Rating: PG
Janeway rolled up her sleeves and held still as Chakotay draped an apron over her head. It settled onto her shoulders and she tied it behind her. He ducked down as she did the same for him. He grabbed her hands by mistake as she started to tie it. They both grinned and after squeezing her hands he let go and let her tie it.
Tom rolled his eyes. "Why are we here?"
B'Elanna glared at him as Janeway and Chakotay pulled apart. "Because the Captain and Chakotay are setting a good example and supporting Neelix's latest morale booster."
"So..." he asked again. "Why are we here?"
Janeway glanced at B'Elanna and they shared a moment of female communion on the general childishness of men. "Because you chose this over round the clock shifts in sickbay."
"Oh, right." Tom snatched up an apron and slipped it on, showing his full support.
While all this was going on around him, Chakotay pretended to be studying a recipe.
Neelix bustled in from the back of the kitchen, carrying a tray covered in metallic foil. He set it down and grabbed the edge of the sheet. "Walla!" He dramatically whipped the foil off and there sat four, whole, feather covered somethings.
"It's voila, Neelix," Tom muttered.
B'Elanna elbowed Tom again. Janeway rolled her eyes. Chakotay checked to see if there was something he had missed in that recipe.
Janeway stepped forward with B'Elanna and they inspected the creatures on the tray from the tips of their beaklike snouts, across their scaly bellies, to the ends of their clawed feet. She and B'Elanna exchanged another look, this time about the similarities between human and Talaxian males. "Neelix, these...creatures seem to be completely unprocessed."
Neelix smoothed the feathers on one and patted it. "Yes indeedy!" he gushed. "The only way these hens could be fresher is if they were still alive and barking."
'Barking?' Tom mouthed silently.
B'Elanna shook her head and Tom wisely decided to let it go.
Neelix's voice moderated. "The Doctor insisted the animals be dispatched before coming on board so he could run them through a more rigorous decontamination."
He reached over the counter and grabbed a handful of knives. "Here you are." He handed one to each of them. "You get started cleaning them, I'll get the rest of our ingredients, and then I'll tell you the story of how I managed to obtain such fine specimens. It wasn't easy, let me tell you."
While he was scurrying around the kitchen collecting items the others looked expectantly at Janeway.
"After you, Captain," Chakotay said.
"Mr. Neelix," Janeway said. "This is a holiday, not survival training."
Neelix gave her a confused look. "Of course not, Captain. We would all be sharing a bird if this were. And it would be a much smaller one." He chuckled at his own joke.
Janeway pulled him aside and spoke quietly. "Most of the crew never grew up with the tradition of plucking and gutting their dinner. In fact, many would find it repulsive and I think that's the opposite of the experience you were trying to create."
"I see your point, Captain. I think I know just what we can do." He took the tray and carried it over to the replicator and popped them in. Neelix fiddled with the console for a minute. He tapped the last command and the birds re-emerged without any of their extraneous parts.
"Is that better, Captain?" He held up one of the birds for her inspection. All the feathers were gone as well as the head and feet. In fact, it appeared boneless as well.
Janeway nodded. "Much better, Neelix. And that was a creative use of the replicator."
Neelix preened. "I've been using it to process some of the more volatile items I've acquired. We don't want a repeat of that incident with the Brill cheese."
Each of them stood staring at their deflated bird and a pile of ingredients, only some of which were recognizable, waiting for instructions. They weren't disappointed since Neelix immediately explained the various ingredients in front of them -- in great detail. Then he talked them through the process of mixing it up. "Mr. Paris, you will want to stir your stuffing a little more, it needs to all be wet."
"What now, Neelix?" B'Elanna asked.
He dashed over to her. "That looks very good, very good indeed! Now you just need to stuff your bird and it will be ready to cook."
B'Elanna looked at the bowl of damp, seasoned, breadcrumbs and then at the limp bird in front of her. "Stuff it?"
"Yes, just take the stuffing in your hand and put it..." He lifted the bird by its leg, causing the cavity to gape open."
Tom blanched. "You've got to be kidding me."
His comment galvanized B'Elanna. If she had doubts or *concerns* about filling the inside of dead bird with bread soaked in eggs, she wasn't showing it now. She grabbed a leg in one hand, scooped up stuffing in the other, and shoved it in. She turned to Tom and whispered, "Now, if you don't want me to do the same thing to you, get back to your bird and get it stuffed so we can get out of here."
Tom scooted back to his spot. Given those options, the prospect of stuffing his bird seemed much less daunting now. Yes, it seemed quite doable and reasonable even. The stuffing almost transported itself into the bird. After all, it was the bird or him.
Meanwhile, Janeway and Chakotay were struggling with their own hens. The lack of bones was proving to be a difficulty. Janeway had finished stuffing hers but in the process the bird had become more square than round. She wasn't quite sure how. Glancing over at Chakotay, she noticed his looked even worse. The poor thing lay there on its belly with its wings splayed out while the front and back ends bulged out and the middle, well, it looked like someone had stepped on its middle.
Chakotay looked up as she stifled a giggle. He shrugged his shoulders helplessly before shoving in more stuffing and trying to get it redistributed. After a minute, they were both chuckling at the futility.
When all the stuffing was inside the birds, Janeway looked expectantly at Neelix. She wanted to ask if they were done and could leave now, but instead she opted for tact. "What's the next step, Neelix?" She tried to tread the thin line between politeness and a dangerous enthusiasm that could be mistaken for volunteering for yet another culinary adventure.
Neelix examined their birds. "Splendid, they just need to bake and then we can eat." He took the trays from their willing hands and popped them into his oven. "They should be done by the time we have this all cleaned up.
Janeway hid a grimace behind her forced smile as she and the others began clearing away the debris from cooking.
Soon the timer sounded for the oven and they gathered around to see their creations. Neelix pulled them out and the air filled with the delicious aroma. Janeway was surprised and relieved to see that the birds looked golden brown and smelled edible.
"You've all done very well." Neelix beamed with pride at his trainees. He popped each bird into an insulating carrier and then handed it to the appropriate cook. "If you'll take these down to Holodeck 2, I'll follow with the odds and ends."
Naomi greeted them when they entered the banquet room. As the two couples walked in they noticed the room was beautifully decorated in a White Christmas theme. "Neelix said to put the birds over here." She led them to one end of a long table.
They studied the table as they walked and noticed rows of items. There were cookies shaped like dancing people, women with cows, a lot of birds, and five bowls of sauce with thick golden rims.
"Put the hens here." Naomi indicated a free spot.
Neelix had entered and came up to the table. "We have our Four French Hens and we're all ready for dinner." He clapped his hands together with glee.
"Uh." Tom waved his hand at Neelix. "Four French Hens? That doesn't sound right." He looked at Chakotay and B'Elanna, but they just shrugged. Janeway raised an eyebrow. "You know the song, don't you, Captain?"
"Tom, I'm sure it's fine," she started to say.
But Neelix had already asked the computer for clarification and was shaking his head. "I don't know how I could have mixed up the verses. Four Calling Birds and Three French Hens. Mr. Paris, what is a calling bird?"
"You've got me, Neelix."
Neelix fretted and walked back and forth between the rows on the table muttering to himself. "I wanted it to be perfect, Captain. I don't know how this could have happened."
Janeway was about to say something when Naomi stepped in and took one of the birds. She carried it to the top of the table and set it under the miniature pear tree. "There, now this one is a partridge." She put her hands on her hips and nodded.
Chakotay put a hand on Neelix's shoulder. "You've outdone yourself Mr. Neelix. You've found the only bird in the quadrant that can pass equally well for a French Hen, a Calling Bird, or a Partridge. Let's eat."
Janeway looked baffled until Chakotay raised his eyebrows at her and flicked his eyes toward Neelix.
"Yes, you're right Commander. We're very lucky to have such a fine trader on the ship. Neelix, if you'd be so kind as to do the honors and start the party." She waved him to the front of the room.
Janeway hung back with the others as he announced that the dinner was ready and the crew started to line up. Chakotay stood with her as they watched the crew enjoying themselves.
"This will certainly be a Christmas to remember. For a little while I thought we were going to be reenacting some of my least favorite childhood memories." He was remembering his father's hunting trips when Kathryn caught him by surprise.
She winked at him and stepped back, farther from the crowd. "The evening's not over yet."
"Whatever do you mean?" he asked, drawing her farther into a darkened corner.
She leaned in and looked deep into his eyes. "I only meant that," she moistened her lips that were now a hairsbreadth away from his. "We still have to eat those birds we cooked."
She gave him a quick peck on the cheek and then turned and dashed back to get into line.
He paused for a moment, stunned by what she had done. Then his face broke into a grin and he followed her.
THE END
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