Rating: PG13
This bit of stream of consciousness leapt from my keyboard into chat tonight during a very strange 35 minutes. I blame TPTB and all their evil. It's a parody, but I'm sure you figured that out when you saw Ent/Voy cross-over. >8)
[Spiletta42 - Archer's right. There's two words that don't go together!]
[Anne Rose - LOL. Suddenly I want to write an Ent parody.]
[Spiletta42 - LOL. That would be funny.]
And the rest is only marginally my fault.
T'Pol flounced across the bridge, taking her place behind Tom, managing somehow to arch her back to the point that her breasts obscured the view screen.
B'Elanna had to drag her to the back of the bridge where she was less a danger to herself and others.
Meanwhile, Phlox was chatting with the Doctor and comparing medical techniques.
Doctor - "You put live animals on the crew to process their blood through their digestive tracts? And you feel that's efficacious?"
Phlox - "Well yes, it's a most progressive technique."
Doctor - "Have you *heard* of the dark ages?"
Meanwhile, in yet another area of the ship, Tuvok was escorting the Vulcan ambassadors on a tour of the ship and getting an earful on the sins of mind melding. Tuvok was further convinced that their guests were not what they seemed when the "Vulcans" stopped by the Messhall for a cheeseburger, but refused the chocolate cake because it made them drunk.
The Doctor later treated Tuvok for sprained facial muscles - specifically the ones controlling the vertical movement of his eyebrow.
[Spiletta42 - LOL, Oh yes, Enterprise sucks. Every time I watch it, another piece of continuity becomes a tangled mess.]
[Anne Rose - Shush, I'm creating here.]
A staff meeting was organized after their guests, believing they had been beamed back to "the Enterprise", had actually been confined in Holodeck 1 - safety protocols set at level 10.
[Spiletta42 - And Archer finds a way to destroy his own "ship"? Despite the safety protocols? Cause I bet he could do it. Idiot]
[Anne Rose - Hmmmm]
Tuvok began by addressing the Captain, "Our guests are not who they seem."
Kathryn rolled her eyes. "Duh!" she said, in a fit of sudden discontinuity, "Everyone knows Robert April was the first captain of the Enterprise, then Pike, then Kirk."
"Indeed," Tuvok replied.
"And that female Vulcan appropriated a number of my garments without first obtaining permission," Seven added.
"Ideas people," Kathryn said.
[Spiletta42 - Space 'em. Space 'em all. And their little dog too!]
[Anne Rose makes a note: ooh, need to work that in.]
The doors opened and Tom joined the meeting. "I'm sorry I'm late, that creature they brought with them got loose in the Messhall and accosted several crewmen. I had to help the Doctor test its saliva for biohazards."
"Is the crew all right?" Chakotay asked.
"Nothing serious, but Beta shift needs to be wormed," Tom said.
[Spiletta42 - ewwwwwwwwww, lol]
[Anne Rose - lol, uh, might leave that out, or not, bwahahahahaha]
Kathryn muttered under her breath, "The admirals made me leave my dog at home."
Chakotay sighed, "That wasn't all they made you give up."
Kathryn suddenly realized she couldn't survive another second without molesting her second in command, right there in front of everyone. She leaped out of her chair, knocking Chakotay back, onto the floor, with the force of her passion. The rest of the senior staff applauded.
However, Tuvok intervened and performed a quickie mind meld on the two afflicted officers.
Tom was sure he heard Tuvok mutter something like, "Take that you wannabe Vulcans." But then he was equally sure he must have been mistaken.
Moments later the command team was back in their chairs, smoothing their uniforms, and refusing to make eye contact with anyone.
"They have got to go!" Kathryn pronounced.
"And their little dog too," Tom added.
Tuvok addressed the others, "My scans indicate the Enterprise crew carry a pernicious chronoton contagion. According to my research, prolonged contact will result in the breakdown of personality and the ever increasing corruption of the timeline."
"Is there anything we can do?" B'Elanna asked. "Perhaps I could shift the wavelength of the warp core so it was pink instead of blue and then expose them to it? I could rig some cables to suspend them from the ceiling in Engineering. Sort of a warp field flea dip, if you will."
Everyone looked at B'Elanna. Then they looked at Kathryn.
"Right. Did we ever fully repair that hull breach next to Holodeck 1?" Kathryn asked?
"No, but I was going to get to is as soon as I fabricated a backup warp core and a half dozen new shuttles out of that last batch of Leola Root," B'Elanna said. She clapped her hands over her mouth, but it was already too late.
Tom pulled out a hypo and sedated her before any further damage could be done.
Kathryn tapped on her console. A moment later the ship was rocked as if half a deck had suddenly been decompressed. Which, ironically, was exactly what had just happened.
The ship shook again moments later, almost as if 2 type 47b photon torpedoes had just detonated between 500k and 550k off their port bow.
Chakotay got up to look out the window.
[Spiletta42 - window?]
[Anne Rose - wait for it.]
Sure enough, there were little itty bits of debris floating in an ever expanding cloud, not 600k from Voyager.
Kathryn dragged him back from the window and it became a view screen again. She wiped her brow, "Whew, that was close."
She looked at Tuvok, "Are we safe?"
He tapped his console and considered the readout for a minute. "Yes captain. The residual Borg components from the Enterprise were vaporized with the rest of the ship."
"Borg!?!" Kathryn gasped. "This was a Borg plot?"
[Anne Rose - apologies for the pun]
"It is unclear. Further analysis showed that the so called Vulcan ambassadors were actually Romulans," Tuvok said.
Tom stared at the data. "So you're saying the first contact with earth wasn't really Vulcans after all. It was Romulans flying Borg ships?"
Harry elbowed him, "No it was Borg dressed up as Vulcans only pretending to be Romulans."
Chakotay spoke up, "I thought they were assimilated beagles pretending to mind meld with humans but really making them drunk so they could take over the ship."
"And there were leeches. Don't forget the leeches," the Doctor added. "Phlox said they used them to suck out the nanoprobes."
Tuvok rolled his eyes at the senior staff and let out an undignified snort. He gasped in horror and tapped rapidly on his console.
Moments later the ship was flooded with chorontonicantidiscontinuity particles.
When the crew revived, they all went about their business...
...and no one ever spoke of it again.
[Spiletta42 - That's a heckuva word]
[Anne Rose - thx]
THE END
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