Rating: PG13
Chakotay breathed a sigh of relief when they finally located Voyager, but just as quickly, his breath caught again. There were no life signs on board, and the power readings barely registered on sensors.
What had happened?
They boarded the ship and Chakotay was surprised to find the Doctor in command, or rather The Emergency Command Hologram as he preferred to be called. The Doctor was flushed with the excitement of his first command, but showing all too human signs of stress from his ordeal.
Chakotay hid his anxiety as best he could and occupied himself with the many critical repairs needed to make Voyager space-worthy again. The crew had already been missing for five days and repairs would take several more. At least they had recovered the ship, he told himself. Soon they would find the crew, and everything would be back to normal.
A lot of work, and several days later, Chakotay was still concerned about the crew, but less so. They had finally been able to start searching, as soon as sensors and propulsion had been repaired. He was confident they would find the lost crew, and the lost captain, alive and well.
But after several days of fruitless searching, fatigue had taken its toll and frustration was setting in. As he strolled through the empty corridors during a break, his mind wandered. Free for the moment from the onslaught of repairs and scans, as well as mediating between the Doctor and Harry's endless bickering, his thoughts drifted to other things. He knew it was ridiculous to feel guilty for not being on the ship when Kathryn... when it was attacked.
The pirates, who had set the subspace mines, were clearly experienced and quite deadly. He told himself it was better that he had been away so he was able to return, reclaim the ship, and rescue them. Still, the feelings of guilt persisted. He wished he were with her, helping her with whatever she and the crew were going through.
Chakotay stopped and noticed where he was. He sighed as he realized his wandering had brought him once again to the corridor outside Kathryn's quarters. The door slid quietly open, he stepped inside, and made his way back to the couch. Moving the blanket aside, he sat down on the end of the couch, then took off his boots and jacket.
Running a hand through his hair, he stood again and made his nightly circuit of Kathryn's rooms. The first night he had rationalized that he was making sure everything was all right. After all, she might have left the tub full, or food on the table. He smiled, as he paused in front of the tub and reached up to touch one of the decorative jars filled with a rainbow of bath crystals.
He wandered back out of her bedroom, and paused at the table to examine the vase of roses. A couple petals had started to turn brown. He reached down and gingerly plucked them off. They felt so delicate and soft as he ran his thumb over them in his palm.
There were two today. He wondered when he had started measuring the time in spent petals.
He leaned down to inhale the roses' scent. They were still just as beautiful as the night he'd given them to her, seven days ago. He and Kathryn had had dinner before his away mission, and looking again at the flowers, he vowed to have her home before they lost their freshness.
The petals went into the recycler as he passed it on the way to the view port. Leaning on the sill, he stared out at the stars streaking by.
"Where are you?" he asked.
When only the silence answered him, he turned and went back to the couch. Peeling off the rest of his uniform, he slid under the blanket of his makeshift bed. "Computer, reset alarm," he said to his co-conspirator.
The computer would report that he was in his own cabin, if anyone happened to ask. He wadded up the pillow and then mashed it back down in a vain attempt to get comfortable. He hadn't had a good night's sleep since before his away mission, but laying here on her couch, he would at least get some sleep, just enough to get him through the next day.
~*~*~
Days later, repairs were progressing well. Chakotay was working on the Bridge's systems when the turbolift doors opened and the Doctor strode out onto the Bridge, still in his red and black command uniform. "I've repaired the deuterium injectors, brought secondary propulsion back online, and soothed Ensign Kim's upset tummy."
"Good work," Chakotay said, barely looking up as he moved from console to console, tapping in commands. "Why don't you get started on the ruptured plasma conduits on deck ten?"
The Doctor followed him down to the lower level. "Can't you take care of those?"
Chakotay stopped walking and turned toward the Doctor. "I beg your pardon?"
"Emergency Command Hologram. Doesn't that suggest my place is here, in Voyager's command center?"
Chakotay sat down in his chair and examined the data on the console. The crew was missing, the captain was missing, and Doc was bucking for a promotion. Chakotay suppressed his irritation and forced himself to answer the Doctor in a light tone. "Look, Doc, I'm impressed with the way you handled yourself while we were gone. But right now, we've got to prioritize."
They were interrupted by a hail. "Kim to Chakotay."
"Go ahead," Chakotay answered.
"I've found them, Commander." Harry's eager voice came across the link. "They're on an M-class planet. At maximum warp, we can be there in less than three days."
Chakotay was out of his seat immediately. "Transfer the coordinates to the helm. I'll be in Astrometrics." He glanced at the Doctor on his way to the turbolift, his voice still calm and light. "Doctor... The command center is yours."
As the turbolift doors closed behind him, Chakotay slumped against the wall. Relief flooded through him. They were alive and on an M-class planet. "Just hold on, Kathryn," he whispered. "Just hold on for three more days."
~*~*~
Chakotay paced back and forth in the Ready Room, trying to work off some of his nervous energy before his next conversation with the Quarran official. Their last conversation had been frustrating in the extreme. They had come so far in the past two weeks, only to be stonewalled by a petty bureaucrat. He knew Kathryn was on the planet, possibly in danger, and definitely being held against her will.
He slammed his hand down on the table in silent rage. He needed to compose himself before walking out onto the Bridge. Taking another deep breath, he tried again. Losing his temper with that idiot official would not get Kathryn back. He unconsciously clenched and unclenched his fists, as he went back to pacing.
Moments later, Ensign Kim hailed him. The Quarran was ready to speak to him. He squared his shoulders and walked out onto the Bridge.
Only a few minutes into the conversation and it was already going badly. The official's square face stared at him, taunting him with his dispassionate replies. "I have personally interviewed several of the individuals on your crew manifest. None of them know who you are, nor have they heard of a Starship Voyager."
"I'd like to speak to them myself," Chakotay replied.
"That's not possible."
"If you're telling the truth you have nothing to lose by letting us talk to them." Chakotay said in a barely civil tone, the anger starting to leak through.
"Unlike other planets in this system we grant our guest workers the full protection of our laws," the official stated.
Sensing Chakotay's rising anger, the Doctor jumped in, "What exactly are you protecting them from?"
"Unscrupulous individuals attempting to acquire skilled laborers."
"We're not trying to acquire laborers. We're trying to find our friends," the Doctor retorted, starting to get hot under the collar himself.
"Most of your friends have excellent positions in the central power facility in the capital. Why would any of them want to travel thousands of light-years to a planet on the other side of the galaxy when they have safe, comfortable lives right here?"
"Because it isn't their home," Chakotay replied.
"I suggest you look elsewhere to increase your labor supply and if you attempt to disturb any of our citizens we will respond with force."
The Quarran ended the link, and Chakotay stared at the blank screen for a moment. Then he turned to Harry, "Any luck?"
Harry shook his head. "There's no way to beam them through the shield grid."
Chakotay grimaced. "Take us out of orbit."
The Doctor looked surprised. "We're not leaving them behind?"
"No, but I want these people to think we are," Chakotay said. He outlined his plan and then left the Bridge.
Too little sleep and too much worry were taking their toll. He needed to rest for a few hours. He opened the door to Kathryn's quarters, smiling as the fragrance from the roses washed over him. Plucking off a stray petal, he stared at it, lost in thought. "Soon Kathryn, very soon I'll bring you back home."
He added water to the vase, and went to bed.
~*~*~
Chakotay and the Doctor entered Astrometrics and found Neelix hard at work. "Any progress?" Chakotay asked.
Neelix shook his head. "I've spoken to the captains of eight vessels that left Quarra in the last two weeks."
Chakotay's lips thinned as he listened to the report. "No one knew anything about the crew?"
"No. But every one of them asked me if I was looking for employment," Neelix said, hopeful his information would be useful. "Apparently, there's a severe labor shortage throughout this system. There's a lot of competition for workers."
Chakotay nodded. "That ambassador said most of our people were working at the main power facility. I wonder if they still have any positions to fill."
Neelix looked confused, but wanted to be helpful. In spite of Chakotay's professional façade, Neelix and Harry, even the Doctor, could tell the strain their commander was under. They also knew it was only in part because of the missing crew. Oddly, it showed most in his outwardly cheerful demeanor. With only brief lapses, Chakotay was unflaggingly optimistic, and far too "business as usual". But even Neelix was wise enough not to broach the subject, reasoning that the commander didn't need the added embarrassment of the crew discussing his personal life.
"I can make some inquiries," Neelix answered. "Why?"
"Because you and I are going to find ourselves jobs." Chakotay said, the smile firmly back in place.
They discussed the details briefly and then went their separate ways to prepare.
~*~*~
Chakotay and Neelix separated once they reached the central power plant on Quarra. The day crawled as Chakotay navigated the process of becoming a guest worker. His face itched and even without the surgical alterations, he felt like he was going to jump out of his skin. According to their information, he had been assigned to the same power plant and area as Kathryn, but he had yet to see her.
"We have a diverse workforce. Our thermionic converters operate on a rotating frequency so they have to be closely monitored," his supervisor droned on, as Chakotay swiveled his head around, looking for Kathryn. "You'll be required to report your readings to the controller at a regular interval."
Chakotay froze as he saw Kathryn step out from behind one of the workstations. She looked healthy, unharmed, and none the worse for her time here on Quarra. He wanted to rush up and hug her, to touch her and make sure she was real.
"Any questions?" The man stopped talking and looked at Chakotay. "Are you listening to me?"
Chakotay realized he'd been caught not paying attention. He tried to look apologetic. "Sorry, sir." He caught another glimpse of Kathryn. "I'm just excited to be here."
The supervisor nodded and left Chakotay to get started with his work. The moment the man was gone, Chakotay rushed over to Kathryn's station.
He kept his head down and pretended to study a PADD. He was bursting at the seams, but if she didn't recognize him, he couldn't afford to put her off. "Kathryn."
"Yes," she replied.
"It's Chakotay." He held his breath, hoping she would know him.
"I'm sorry?"
There wasn't even a glimmer of recognition. He swallowed his disappointment and continued with his plan. "I'm new here. The supervisor said you would be a good person to speak to if I had any questions."
"Mmm." She looked away, and tossed her head before answering, so relaxed, so unlike herself. "What can I help you with?"
"Nothing. I just wanted to introduce myself."
"Oh, what did you say your name was?" She was more serious now.
"Chakotay. Actually, that's just what my friends call me. My employment file lists my given name... Amal Kotay." He said the name, hoping it would spark some memory.
"Well, whatever your name is, I'm happy to help you any way I can."
They talked for another minute and then he went back to his station to start his work. By now he was certain she wasn't putting on an act, she really didn't know him. He mulled that over as he monitored his converters. It was maddening to be so close, to talk to her, and still to be just as far away from his goal as ever.
~*~*~
Neelix was chatting with Tom across the bar by the time Chakotay arrived at the café.
"I was wondering when you'd get here. Amal Kotay, this is my new friend, Tom Paris," Neelix said, indicating the bartender.
Tom nodded. "What can I get you?"
"That looks good," Chakotay said.
When Tom left Neelix leaned in toward him. "I was assigned to the primary fusion chamber along with Mulcahey and Celes. Neither of them recognized me."
Chakotay nodded. "Let me guess. They really love their jobs?"
"It's like they've all been programmed to be happy here," Neelix said.
"It's a safe bet they're not going to leave willingly," Chakotay added.
Tom returned with Chakotay's drink, and set it on the bar. "Here you go."
A woman brushed by behind him and Chakotay felt his heart rate increase as he realized it was Kathryn. He stared at her, smiling, as she stopped and turned to look at him.
"Hi, how was your first day?" she asked.
"Not bad." His mind was racing, thinking of how to get her outside and back to Voyager.
She smiled. "Would you and your friend like to join us?"
Chakotay froze for an instant. His eyes broke away from Kathryn's and moved up, behind her. For the first time he noticed the man standing behind her. "That would be nice," he managed, the smile still on his face. Then he noticed something else. The man reached forward and took Kathryn's arm, possessively.
"Um, actually, I was hoping we could eat alone tonight," he said.
Kathryn looked shocked and embarrassed for a moment, but she allowed herself to be led away.
"Maybe another time," Chakotay said, as she left.
He watched them go. They sat at a table not far away. He was doubly upset by this development. There was no way he and Neelix could quietly whisk Kathryn out of there, with her friend present.
And who was this man?
Chakotay shook his head. It was probably nothing. After all, she'd invited him and Neelix to eat with them. She was an outgoing person. It didn't mean anything. He told himself that, but a dull ache was forming in the pit of his stomach. The sooner he had her out of there and back on Voyager, the better for everyone.
~*~*~
Chakotay wanted to ease over, closer to Kathryn's table to hopefully hear what was going on, but Neelix interrupted him. B'Elanna was leaving the bar. They abandoned their drinks and followed her.
What happened next was a blur. They seized B'Elanna, but she resisted, alerting security. She and Neelix were transported to Voyager, but Chakotay was left behind and found himself running for his life.
He yelled into his communicator as he ran along an alley. "Harry, I need an emergency transport now."
"Sorry, Commander, we're under attack. I had to raise shields," Harry answered.
It looked like he was on his own. The ship couldn't be endangered just to transport him.
He had no idea where he was and ran blindly through the alleys and side streets. Locating a staircase, he vaulted up them, two and three at a time. But as he turned a corner, he saw that the walkway ended at a railing, overlooking the city.
He heard his pursuers calling back and forth. "He turned into the access way. I'll call for reinforcements."
"I think he went in there!"
Chakotay turned and his back slammed against a force field extending up from the top of the railing. He turned back to face it and pressed his hands against it. Light sparked all around his hands and he pulled them back. He searched around desperately and then looked down, over the railing, to the street many levels below.
He was trapped.
He felt fear rise up in his throat. He had to escape. The crew and Kathryn were depending on him, even if they didn't know it.
His eye caught a pipe lying on the ground, and he grabbed it. The pipe made short work of the force field controls. As the shield flickered off, he ducked back into an alcove and waited. His heart was pounding in his ears and he tried to calm his breathing as he heard the sound of the security officers' feet pounding on the walkway.
Chakotay hesitated for a moment as the security guard informed the others that their fugitive might have jumped, but then the man turned and Chakotay had no choice but to jump at him. He overpowered the two security officers, grabbed a weapon, exchanged fire, and ran.
He quickly doubled back on his previous course. There were very few people he knew in the city and only a couple locations, work and the café. The latter seemed the safest.
As he ran, he became aware that his left arm was not responding. It was heavy, sluggish, and heat radiated from his shoulder. He stopped a short distance from the café to tidy his appearance before going inside. That was when he noticed the blood and the hole in his sleeve. He pulled at the torn fabric and discovered that the wound penetrated all the way into the muscle.
In the heat of battle, with the adrenaline flowing, he hadn't realized he'd been hit by one of the energy weapons. Yet another setback, he was now stranded, alone, and injured.
He didn't think his day could get any worse.
Chakotay tried not to draw attention to himself as he limped into the café. He pulled his outer shirt closed, over the shoulder wound, and held his arm tight against his body. The pain was increasing as the adrenaline wore off, and was now radiating up and down his arm and into his chest.
He was fiddling with the torn cloth at his shoulder when she walked up.
"Listen, I'm sorry about my friend."
"Excuse me?" Chakotay said.
"Jaffen," Kathryn explained. "He wasn't very nice when I invited you to join us."
She looked at him for a moment. He could see the concern, and it took away a little of the pain. "Are you all right?"
"I'm just a little tired," he lied. "First day on a new job."
"I know how that can be. Well, I just wanted to let you know you're more than welcome to sit with us."
He wanted to spend some time with her, to make sure she was all right, but he didn't want to arouse suspicion. "Actually, I was thinking about going home."
Kathryn looked mildly disappointed, but then brightened. "Well, if you change your mind, we're celebrating."
Chakotay returned her smile. "What's the occasion?"
She smiled broadly. "I've decided to move in with Jaffen."
His mouth went dry. He opened and closed it, but nothing came out. He felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room, and the dull ache in his gut blossomed into a stabbing pain.
"Congratulations," he finally managed.
Kathryn turned and left.
Chakotay watched her go, and with every step she took, it was harder for him to breathe. It felt like there was something pressing on his chest, not letting him draw any air in. He needed to leave - now.
~*~*~
Chakotay wandered around, avoiding the patrols, and looking for a place to hide. Finally he arrived at Kathryn's building and located her apartment. It was a simple matter to break in. Once inside, he found a spot, away from the door and collapsed.
Voyager wasn't responding to his hails. He realized that they must be out of range. He considered his options and realized he had very few. Until he could contact Voyager, staying put was the best plan, and Kathryn's empty apartment seemed like the safest location.
With nothing to do, Chakotay had only his own thoughts for company. And as he looked around the empty rooms, his thoughts naturally turned to their former occupant, where she was now, and the things she might be doing.
He thumped the back of his head on the wall, willing those images to leave. He was only partially successful. Now instead of just Jaffen's face, he saw others as well.
It wasn't as if they hadn't both had affairs before. Riley and Kellin leaped to mind, the latter being only a memory from his hand-written journals. Kathryn had dallied with Gath on Sicarus, but to what extent, Chakotay didn't know. And he also had his suspicions about that snake, Kashyk. But in the end, none of them were serious. When Voyager left that area of space, their lives, and their relationship, had gone back to normal.
Neither of them had ever seriously considered a long-term relationship with one of those people, or treated it as anything other than a temporary situation. He had never imagined that the Kathryn he knew would throw herself into a relationship like that, or commit herself to this extent in such a short time.
He closed his eyes for a moment, and his thoughts went back to just before he had left Voyager for Quarra.
~*~*~
He stopped off at the cargo bay on his way to Sickbay. He let the doors slide open and walked in slowly. He'd only checked on the crate once since storing it. He didn't even know why he was here now, except that he felt drawn to it. Maybe because this was the farthest he'd been from Kathryn since they'd been "rescued" from New Earth.
Far in the back, he found the crate, and keyed in his code. The lock popped open, and the lid hissed as it slid back. The smell of the wood filled his nostrils, as he sucked the escaping air into his lungs. He closed his eyes and tried to pick out each of the individual scents. The wood was the most powerful note, but then he found the delicate floral scent of her bath oils, mixed with a soapy tang.
He wasn't sure how long he stood there, lost in his memories: the way the wood had felt as he had carved the wood for the tub, the anxious moments when he had thought she had discovered him, and how her skin had glistened in the moonlight as she soaked in the warm water.
~*~*~
He shook his head. On that planet, he'd allowed himself to hope. The evening he'd told her his story, he'd been stripped bare, with none of his defenses, just his heart and soul offered to her. Then they had been rescued, and she had closed him out of her life. And yet, he couldn't stop loving her. He was doomed, and he knew it, because he couldn't make himself stop hoping.
He looked up as the door opened. He recognized Kathryn immediately as she walked in and began collecting things. He didn't move, hardly breathed. If only Voyager were in range, he could snatch her and leave this place.
"Lights." Kathryn looked around and noticed him. "What do you want?"
Chakotay searched her eyes again for any spark of recognition, but all he saw was fear and confusion. "You told me you were moving out. I needed a place to hide."
"Jaffen knows where I am. He'll come looking for me."
'Of course he will,' Chakotay thought, 'like I came looking for you.' Out loud, he said, "I'm hoping you won't tell him I'm here."
"They say you had something to do with the disappearance of a woman at the plant."
"I did." He nodded, hoping some honesty would gain her trust. "Her name's B'Elanna. She was brought to this planet against her will. Something was done to her so she'd forget her real life."
"And what? You helped her get home?" Kathryn challenged.
"That's right. There are other people in this city who I'm also trying to help. I'm not here to hurt anyone. You have to trust me." He said the last almost in a whisper, pleading.
Kathryn gave him an appraising glance. "You're pointing a weapon at me."
He lowered it. "Go ahead. Report me. But if you do... a lot of innocent people are going to suffer. All I'm asking for is a place to stay until my friends come back for me."
There was a long pause as she considered his request. "We're going to have to do something about that arm."
He nodded and she left the apartment.
The next 30 minutes seemed like hours to Chakotay. It was maddening to look into her eyes and see a stranger staring back at him. Her memories of him had to be in there somewhere.
Even in the depths of Teero's mind control, even while he was taking over the ship and throwing her into the brig, there was always something in the back of his mind, nagging at him. It came very near the surface several times. Chakotay had reassured himself many times, after that incident, that if the mutiny had lasted for more than a few hours he would have overcome the programming and returned for Kathryn. He was certain of it.
His thoughts were interrupted by Kathryn's return. She walked over to him and made a seat for herself on the boxes next to his chair.
"You need a doctor," she said as she leaned over him and started to work on the wound.
"That'll have to wait till I'm back on Voyager." He was trying, a little at a time, to remind her of her real life.
"Voyager?"
"My ship." He studied her face as she concentrated on his arm. She still looked as beautiful as ever, but her expressions were different.
"You live on board?"
"For almost seven years."
"Don't you ever want to stay in one place?" She seemed amazed that anyone would want to live like that.
This wasn't the direction he wanted the conversation to go. He needed to keep her talking about herself. He looked at her again, and a gentle smile crept across his face. She was so intent on healing him that he wondered if she was aware how close they were. He could feel the warmth coming off her body, as she leaned over him, and from her breath on his face and neck. Occasionally her leg brushed against his, as she moved slightly to get a better angle on his shoulder.
He wondered again about her life on Quarra. "You seem happy here," he said, almost to himself.
"I've got a good job."
A good job? His hope rose again as he wondered why she chose that. A good job, not a good man, not a good relationship, but a good job. The rational side of his brain reminded him it was likely due to the programming. Perhaps that was something he could capitalize on. "Ever consider doing something more challenging?"
"My job's challenging enough."
"You monitor reactor coils, right? You're obviously a very capable woman. You could probably run that power plant."
"Why would I want all that responsibility?"
And there it was, another piece of the puzzle. The Quarrans seemed to play on each person's past, accentuating some things, and negating others, like Tom's convenient space sickness to keep him grounded. Or was responsibility something Kathryn had always longed to give up, to be free from? Certainly having the lives of 150 people weighing on you for seven years would make anyone long for some sort of relief.
His transceiver chirped, halting any further conversation.
"What's that?" she asked.
"My people are trying to contact me. Chakotay here."
Harry's voice came over the link. "Are you okay, Commander?"
"For the time being. Can you get me out of here?"
"No, sir. We're eight light years away."
Chakotay grimaced. "How are you transmitting a signal that far?"
"We're using a triaxilating frequency on a covariant subspace band. It was B'Elanna's idea."
Kathryn looked surprised when she heard that name.
"I take it she's feeling better," Chakotay said.
"She's responded well to treatment. Have you located anyone else from the crew?"
Chakotay considered his options before answering. He wasn't going to get back to the ship for days, so his only hope was for Kathryn to become his ally. He decided to risk it all. "As a matter of fact, I'm sitting with Captain Janeway right now."
"How is she?"
Chakotay watched her reactions. Shock registered on her face, but she hadn't bolted from the room. "A little... suspicious - just like B'Elanna was at first. How soon can you get back into transporter range?"
"We'll need a couple more days to finish repairs," Harry answered. "What about the shield grid?"
"I have an idea how to shut it down. Until I get back to you, let's maintain com silence just in case we're being monitored."
"Understood. Good luck, Commander."
Kathryn looked at him as the link closed. "Why did you call me 'Captain'?"
"Because that's who you are."
She stood up and backed up. "That's absurd. So what are you saying? That I was brought here by force, too? That my memories were manipulated?"
Chakotay watched Kathryn pace, helpless, as the situation started to spin out of control. "I know it sounds strange, but..."
"Helping you was a mistake." She turned and made a dash for the door.
"Listen to me," he said as he stood, trying to keep the panic out of his voice. "There are more than a hundred members of Voyager's crew working at that power plant, your crew. And when our ship gets here I'll be able to prove it to you."
He walked toward her, trying to close the distance without causing her to run away. "Look... I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to. But don't you at least want to know the truth? Let me prove who I am. Hand me that dermal regenerator."
She put it in his hand, and he walked back to the mirror. She followed and watched as he ran the instrument over his face. The ridges and raised lines disappeared from his face.
"We're the same race," she said in awe.
Chakotay looked at her, emotion welling up in him again. "We're more than that. We're friends."
Kathryn reached out and touched his face, running her fingers along the lines of his tattoo. She was quiet for a moment, then she got up and went to the door.
"I'll be back later."
~*~*~
Chakotay tried to get some sleep while he waited. He'd found some food in the kitchen, nothing very appetizing, but enough to tide him over. He hoped Kathryn would bring food when she returned.
He lay on the couch, with his arm thrown over his head, still awake. This situation was different than any they'd encountered before. Even with the Hirogen games, he and Kathryn had found themselves working together, trusting each other. She would break through the programming somehow. He just needed to trust in the connection they had.
He relaxed and thought about Kathryn's expression when she had seen his face tonight. He could have sworn there was a glimmer of recognition. There was definitely something. He would talk to her more about it when she came back. He had a couple days to jog her memory.
But something he had said earlier echoed over and over in his brain. "We're more than that. We're friends." He had meant to say something else, but at the last moment he had pulled back. There had been a time when he hadn't been so timid. He tried to remember when that had all changed. There were just so many missed opportunities. He'd believed they had all the time in the world. He'd even said as much to her, when she'd confided in him about Mark's marriage.
So many lost opportunities.
He was surprised to hear her at the door since he hadn't expected to see her again until the next day. She must have remembered there was no food and brought something for dinner.
He walked towards the opening door. "I was starting to think..."
He stopped short, frozen, as three men came through the door.
"Stay where you are."
Chakotay made a grab for the weapon. He'd foolishly left it on top of a box, since no one but Kathryn knew he was here. He felt the pain of a bolt hitting him and then the lights went out.
~*~*~
Chakotay awoke strapped to a table. His head was foggy and for a minute he didn't remember how he had gotten there. He'd been hiding, waiting for Kathryn, and then the goons had found him. She was the only one who knew where he was - he hoped desperately that she was all right.
And then the awful truth hit him. She was the *only* one who knew where he was, and the only way they could have found him.
Kathryn had betrayed him.
He groaned and closed his eyes, as if that would block out the pain of her betrayal. He yanked on his restraints and cursed the universe for his fate. 'It wasn't her,' he told himself over an over. 'You told Tuvok to shoot her,' he reminded himself. 'But the phaser wasn't charged,' he argued back.
His thrashing and groaning alerted the security officer, Yerid, that his prisoner was awake. His wound had been healed the rest of the way and there was no reason not to start questioning him right away.
~*~*~
"I don't know them," Chakotay repeated. Yerid had been questioning him for several minutes.
Chakotay tried another tack. "Listen to me. You and I have something in common."
"Oh?" he replied. Chakotay wasn't sure if he was intrigued or just playing along to extract more information.
"We're both investigating disappearances. If you answer my questions, I'll answer yours."
But before Yerid could reply, another man walked in. "I have an order to transfer this patient to division six."
"Division six?" Yerid questioned.
"Neuropathology. We believe that he's mentally ill."
Chakotay struggled again. He turned his head toward Yerid. "He's lying. How could they know that? They've never examined me."
Yerid considered for a moment, and then looked at the man. "I'll come with you."
"I'm sorry, sir, but my orders are to bring him for immediate treatment."
Yerid wasn't going to give up so easily. "This man is a suspect in a serious crime. I'm not letting him out of my sight."
"If you check that order, you'll see it's been approved by the director of investigations."
Yerid read it and nodded. There was nothing else he could do.
Chakotay was helpless to stop them as the others started to wheel him away. He made a last appeal to Yerid, who seemed at least to have an open mind. "My real name is Chakotay. I'm an officer aboard the Federation Starship Voyager. Members of my crew were abducted and their memories were altered and they were put to work here. I can give you names, descriptions! Listen to me!"
He continued to call out until one of the men injected him with something. After that, everything went dark.
~*~*~
Chakotay opened his eyes tried to see where he was. All around him were bright fuzzy shapes, some stationary, some moving and talking. He blinked several times and the shapes started to coalesce into recognizable objects.
He heard a voice say, "It's fortunate he was only in the first stages of the engram resequencing. Using the technique I pioneered with B'Elanna, I've restored his memories. In fact, he'll be ready to return to his quarters as soon as he wakes up, days before any of the others."
"That's wonderful, Doctor," another voice said. The gushing enthusiasm was unmistakable.
"Neelix?" Chakotay asked. "Doc?"
"We're right here, Commander," the Doctor replied.
"Where? And how?" Chakotay asked.
"You are on board Voyager again. After the shield grid was deactivated, we beamed you all up. I've been working since then to restore the crew's memories. I expect them all to make a full recovery, but you're the first."
"And Kathryn?"
"She's fine, although not nearly as far along in the treatment as you are. I'll need to keep her under close observation, along with the others, until they begin to have a sense of who they really are. We can't afford to have them running around the ship accessing things and getting into trouble, now can we?"
"No, of course not." He sat up slowly and rubbed his head. He looked around and saw all the biobeds full, the stasis units' lights indicated they were in use, and the floor was covered with yet more patients. "Where have you got the rest of them?"
"Ah, that was quite a challenge. We put most of them in unused crew quarters," the Doctor said.
Neelix jumped in, "And the rest are in the Mess Hall. I can barely get to the kitchen to prepare food," he grumbled.
Chakotay smiled at him. "I'm sure the crew and the captain will be grateful for your sacrifice." Turning back to the Doctor, he said, "Now, what about me being able to leave here?"
"As soon as you feel up to it. I need the bed space." The Doctor waved his arm at the door.
"Thank you," Chakotay said as he carefully swung his legs over the edge of the biobed. After a moment, he stood and walked out.
"Don't try anything strenuous," the Doctor called after him.
Without turning, Chakotay waved, and then the doors slid closed behind him.
He wandered around the ship for several hours, looking at the different departments, letting the memories slowly sort themselves out. The bits and pieces were fitting together, but much of it seemed extraordinary. 70,000 light-years from home, enemies banding together, and falling in love with that enemy - he had been living a strange but exciting life these past seven years.
And so, he found himself at the door to the cargo bay. He'd been to his quarters already, but there was another element of his life he needed to verify. It seemed so dreamlike; he needed to know if it was real.
~*~*~
For the second time in less than a week, he stood and took in the sight and smell of the tub he'd hand carved for Kathryn. Chakotay's memory was still fuzzy. He knew he and Kathryn were friends - good, close friends - but what did it really mean? He knew he loved her, and perhaps when her memories came back, she would remember she loved him?
There was one thing nagging at him - the name Jaffen. He couldn't remember exactly where he'd heard it, but it made him uneasy whenever he thought about it. Enough so that he decided to speak to the Doctor about it.
When Chakotay arrived in Sickbay, he found the Doctor at one of the biobeds. "Excuse me," he said. "When you have a free moment, there's something I need to discuss with you. Some unanswered questions from my time on Quarra."
The Doctor nodded, as he injected a hypo-spray into the crewman he was treating. "I'm almost done here. You can wait for me in my office, if you'd like."
"Certainly, Doctor." Chakotay turned and went to the office. He took a seat and waited.
A few minutes later the Doctor arrived. "Well, Commander, what can I do for you?" He took his seat behind the desk and looked at Chakotay.
" I'm still confused by some of my memories. I'm not sure which are real and which were planted by the Quarrans." Chakotay paused, his eyes darted back and forth from the Doctor to the floor, the walls, anywhere else.
The Doctor tapped his console, sliding his office door shut. "Please go on, Commander. I assure you, anything you say will be kept in the strictest confidence." He gave Chakotay a reassuring smile.
Chakotay nodded and took a breath before speaking. "My memories of the ship seem to be intact, but..." He looked at the Doctor who gave him a nod of encouragement. "My memories of Kathryn seem disjointed. I'm not sure if they're all real." He looked up at the Doctor, an earnest, almost frightened expression on his face.
It was the Doctor's turn to squirm now. This was not something he wanted to discuss with either of the command team. "Give it more time. Your real memories will become clearer and the false ones will fade." He gave Chakotay a reassuring smile.
Chakotay shook his head. "Perhaps I should ask Kathryn about them?"
The Doctor sat up straight. "Why don't you talk to me about them instead? After all, the captain's memories are scrambled too."
"All right, but the memories seem so strange," Chakotay said. "I remember very clearly being stranded on a planet for several weeks, with Kathryn. She spent the entire time hunting for bugs while I did woodworking. I thought it was just a garbled false memory they didn't have time to fully implant, but then... I went by the cargo bay, and I found the bathtub I made. It was exactly as I remembered it."
The Doctor suppressed a sigh. "Yes, you were stranded on a planet for a couple months while we tried to find a cure for you. We did get a cure from the Vidiians, Voyager returned for you, and I administered the treatment."
Chakotay grimaced as he digested that information. "There's another thing." He looked up at the Doctor. "A name. Jaffen?"
The Doctor started at the name. He tried to think of a way to escape from this conversation. But Chakotay was insistent.
"Doc, what does that name have to do with Kathryn? And why do I feel anxious and angry when I think about it?"
"Commander..." The Doctor rubbed his head and looked down while scanning his database for the best way to relate this information. He tried to sound sympathetic. "Chakotay, the rest of the crew received far more complete programming than you did. They believed they were... had, different lives. Jaffen is a man she met on Quarra." He stood and paced before continuing.
"She and this man became... close, they were sharing living quarters. That's where we found him, to transport him up to Voyager." He noticed Chakotay's stricken expression.
"Then, I didn't imagine it," he breathed.
"No. She asked us to locate him during one of her lucid moments. She was agitated and I felt it would be best for her recovery if we complied with her wishes." He looked out over the beds in Sickbay to the back wall and the chair Jaffen was sitting in. "He's been sitting with her and keeping her calm during the treatments."
Chakotay gritted his teeth as he followed the Doctors gaze. "He doesn't belong here, Doctor. I should be the one sitting with her, taking care of her."
The Doctor put a hand on his shoulder. "Chakotay... and this is off the record... I think I understand your concerns. I'll be releasing her to her quarters later today."
"Will he be watching over her, in her quarters?" Chakotay demanded.
"Give it some time," the Doctor pleaded, evading the question.
"Time?" Chakotay snapped. "She was on Quarra for three weeks. We've been on this ship for almost seven years." He stood and walked to the door. "Time is not going to help," he said, before walking out.
~*~*~
Jaffen, the name rang in his ears. Kathryn had brought him on board. Chakotay felt like he'd been kicked in the gut. He pasted on his usual calm, controlled expression as he hurried back to their quarters. He hadn't been back to her quarters since returning to the ship, and with things the way they were, he needed to collect his things before Kathryn was released from Sickbay.
He opened the door and the smell assaulted him. It was no longer a fresh smell; a pungent, sickly sweet scent filled the cabin. He rushed to the couch and grabbed his blankets and pillow along with his spare uniform. As he spun around to leave, his eye caught the vase on the table. The roses were brown and wilted, their stems bent and drooping - a halo of fallen petals surrounded the vase.
He had been too late. In three weeks, his life had turned upside down.
He stared at it for a moment, his heart breaking. With no one to see him, his guard was down, and the façade he'd maintained for days crumbled. He gripped his bundle against his chest and tried to breathe. His head was whirling, images of Kathryn flooding his mind - all the times he had wanted to tell her he loved her, all the looks they'd shared, the touches. And now, she had brought that man on board.
He threw his head back. "Why!" he howled. Then he sank to the floor. "Why?" he whispered, burying his face in the blanket. He rocked slowly back and forth, trying to wrap his mind around what had happened, to make some sense of it. The emptiness where his heart should be was almost more than he could bear.
He struggled to compose himself. In minutes, he had to walk back out into the corridor and face the crew as if nothing were going on. He almost laughed at the grim irony. Nothing. Nothing described his life, as long as Jaffen remained on board.
Burying his face in his blanket, Chakotay took deep, calming breaths. He needed to keep moving forward and eventually this day would end. One day at a time he would get through them until they reached home, or another M-class planet where he could leave the ship and lose himself.
He set the bundle down and went to the mirror to look at himself. After splashing water on his cheeks and forehead, he felt ready to face the crew. He grabbed the bundle again and took a last look around before leaving. He knew he should dump the roses into the recycler, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
Chakotay spent the next day following Doctor's orders and resting in his quarters. The wounds were too fresh to risk meeting Kathryn and Jaffen in a corridor or the Mess Hall.
~*~*~
The day did come when enough of the crew was healed for Kathryn to decide to leave orbit. Chakotay had known it was coming, but was not aware it had arrived until the Doctor paid him a visit.
Chakotay looked up at the Doctor, from his seat on the couch. "Are all your patients getting house calls, Doc?"
"No, only the ones who haven't answered my hails," he said.
"Sorry, I told the computer to block anything that wasn't flagged as urgent. I was taking your advice and resting."
"I see." He looked at Chakotay, ignoring the attempt to butter him up. "The Captain has returned to duty." He pointed at his own uniform. "You'll notice, I'm in blue again instead of red."
Chakotay smiled at him. "You did a fine job in command. We wouldn't be here if not for you."
The Doctor was pleased with the genuine compliment. "I... I just did what I was programmed to do," he stammered slightly. "But back to what I came here for. If you are fully recovered, you'll be needed on the Bridge at the start of the next shift." He looked into Chakotay's eyes, studying him. "Have you recovered enough for that?"
Chakotay stood and walked away from the Doctor, to the view port. "I don't think I'll ever be recovered enough for that." He said quietly, but the Doctor's audio processors picked it up.
"Would it help to know that Jaffen just transported down to Quarra?"
"What?" Chakotay's mouth fell open in shock as he spun around to face the Doctor. "Why would he do that?"
The Doctor regarded him for a moment. "It seems that he and the captain did not care to pursue a relationship, once she regained her memories. As to why... you know the captain better than I do."
Chakotay considered this new information.
The silence dragged on and finally the Doctor spoke. "I'll inform the captain that you are fit to return to duty. I'll be leaving now so you can change and prepare for your shift."
Chakotay was lost in thought and didn't respond.
"Your shift that starts in less than an hour, Commander," he said, louder, finally rousing Chakotay.
"Thanks." Chakotay waved at him absently.
The door slid shut behind the Doctor and Chakotay set about showering and dressing for his shift. He completed the tasks as if on autopilot. His thoughts were elsewhere.
He wondered whether it was Kathryn or Jaffen who had decided to end it. Had she given him the parameters speech or did he just decide Earth was too far away?
He paused and took a deep breath. Was there any chance he was the reason?
He was going to drive himself crazy thinking like this. He checked the time and realized he needed to leave for the Bridge now.
Both excitement and dread filled him as Chakotay stepped out of the turbolift. He looked around and didn't see Kathryn, so he stood next to his seat and waited for her.
A minute later, he heard Harry say, "Captain on the Bridge!"
He watched Kathryn walk slowly onto the Bridge and look around before proceeding to her chair. They sat down together.
He wondered what she was thinking. The thought crossed his mind that she looked like she'd just lost her best friend. "Ready to go?" he asked.
She thought for a moment, and a wistful look crossed her face. "It may not have been real, Chakotay, but it felt like home. If you hadn't come after me I never would've known that I had another life."
Chakotay's stomach dropped and the pain that had briefly left him was back. In spite of it, he asked, "Are you sorry I showed up?" He braced himself for her answer.
She turned and gave him a brief hint of a smile. "Not for a second."
Chakotay was shocked. He wasn't sure he had heard her correctly until she reached over and took his hand.
His face broke into a wide grin. Perhaps he would stay with Voyager. Maybe this wasn't the end, but instead, this was a chance for them to start again.
"Resume course, Mr. Paris," Kathryn said.
"Aye, sir," Paris replied.
THE END
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