MARIANN PALMER PASSION

Novel, original idea - a diary. Personally, I didn't find it as intereSting as some others, but it's still good. Mail Mariann at mariann_babygirl@hotmail.com. The author notes that she is in love with Angel. Hmmm.

~Passion, it lies in all of us...
sleeping, waiting, although unwanted, unbidden,
It will stir...
Open it's jaws and howl...~

Dear Diary,

I'm writing this because Giles wants me to keep a diary of what Angel has..done since his change...I don't know how this will help..except to keep me hurting. I tried to explain it to him, but he said writing about it would ease the pain.

Well, I don't see how...all this is doing is making remember the times before Angelus. I'd heard from Giles how evil Angelus was, and even Angel himself told me how horrible he'd been before the gypsies curse. But, my being blinded by..love..thought that I could keep that darkness away from Angel, and protect Sunnydale at the same time. I was wrong. As much as I hate to admit it..I got careless...

Willow told me that love makes you do that wacky..ya, and I now know that full force of "wacky". Angelus has used that to his advantage. Somtimes, I'll be fighting him, and all of the sudden...I'll feel the urge to look closer, because I see something in his eyes....then he jumps me, and knocks my on my ass. Damn it! I'm so stupid somtimes..I am getting soft..maybe- I don't know...maybe I should just do it.

I should just hunt him down, and kill him...no questions asked...no pain. But then, there would be pain, because if I kill Angelus...I kill Angel. With no body to return to, there would be no hope that he'll be brought back to me...

~It speaks to us, guides us..
Passion rules us all and we obey.
What other choice do we have?~

I wish I could have killed him before he got Ms. Calendar. She never meant me or Angel harm..and now I know it. But, it's too late now. She's dead, and Giles is so angry with himself for it....I've told him so many times, that he had nothing to do with it..and then he gets even more angry, and says that if he hadn't let me choose my own path to take with Angel, then I wouldn't have had the experience of true love..and while I thank him for that..somtimes I wish I had just walked away that night at the Bronze...then none of this would have happened..Angel would be at his loft doing...whatever it was he did, and I'd be...not happier..but I'd be sociable, normal even. Everything I do now is like a routine. I get up, go to school, come home, sneak out and slay, come home and sleep..everyday it's the same, and I don't have the strength to get out of the rut. I put up a front at school, and everybody belives me....Except Giles..he knows the real deal....

~Passion is the sourse of our fun,
The joy of love, ecalrity of hatred, and ecstasy of grief.~

I haven't told anybody the things I'm writing in this thing, and I don't think I ever will...when I'm done writitng I'm going to tear out this page...Giles would worry me constantly about it, the pain, if he read this....

~It sometimes, more than we can bare,
If we could live without passion,
maybe we'd know some kind of peace,
But we would be hollow.
Empty rooms, shuttered and dank.~

And sometimes I just want to crawl into a grave, and wait to die..because I know that when I go to heaven, Angel's soul will be there waiting for me...at least I hope. But I never will give up...i'll keep fighting, as long as there is somthing to fight. Something Willow said the other day, really hit home. Angel wouldn't want me to stop living..he'd want me to go on, and live my life. I know that if there was a way for him to come back to me, he'd be here..All that's left to do now, is something that I haven't donn since I was about six years old....

Pray.

~Without passion...we'd be truly dead.~

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