MIKE K. ERICKSON BART.COM
Very strange because Bart actually GETS the girl...unlike the one with the reverend's daughter, the new neighbours or any others. It doesn't really work out because the computer doesn't dissapear at the end...but still quite funny with a plot twist. Send feedback to here.
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
Inside Barney's apartment where Barney argues with his landlord.
LANDLORD:
(Annoyed) Mr. Gumble, it's been 4 months since you last made a payment!
BARNEY:
(Ashamed) But I told you I would pay you next week sir.
SFX: BELCHING
LANDLORD:
(Disgusted) Ugh! That's it... unless I get some sort of payment in the next 48 hours you are history pal!
The landlord leaves SLAMMING THE DOOR
SFX: DOOR SLAMMING
BARNEY:
He's bluffing!
CUT TO:
The curb in front of Barney's building 48 hours later. Shot of Barney and his belongings from the street.
SFX: STREET NOISE.. CARS/PEOPLE
BARNEY:
(In disbelief) Then again...
Homer walks into the scene from the left eating an ice cream cone. Barney, hungry, yearns for a taste.
BARNEY:
Hey Homer! Can I have some ice cream?
HOMER:
(annoyed) Get your own!
BARNEY:
(pathetic) Come on man, I just got kicked out of my place.
HOMER:
(surprised) They kicked you out?
BARNEY:
(sad) No place to go.....
Homer thinks for a moment.
HOMER:
(with energy.. shouting) YOU CAN STAY WITH US!
BARNEY:
(hopeful) REALLY?
Homer's thinking process really digs in. He imagines what Marge will say if he brings Barney home
SFX: HARP... DREAM SEQUENCE
MARGE:
(annoyed) Homer what is that?
HOMER:
(stupid voice) I don't know....
Back to reality.
SFX: HARP
BARNEY:
You don't think Marge will mind do you?
HOMER:
Nah! Let me find the car.
CUT TO:
Outside Simpson home looking in from street... Homer and Barney are walking toward the front door.
MUSIC: SIMPSON STANDARD TRANSITIONAL MUSIC
CUT TO:
Inside house with shot of front door. Homer and Barney enter.
HOMER:
(shouting) MARGE! I'm home!
Marge come running in from the kitchen ala Edith Bunker.
MARGE:
(shouting) Oh HOMER......
Stops when she sees Barney.
MARGE:
(in disbelief) Barney...?
Turns to Homer.
MARGE:
(demanding) Homer... what is he doing here?
HOMER:
(nervous) It's only for a few weeks...
MARGE:
(shouting) WHAT is only for a "few weeks"?
Homer begins to look around... very nervous
HOMER:
Him... staying.. (softer) with us?
MARGE:
Why is he staying with us?
HOMER:
He got kicked out of his place!
MARGE:
(groans)...
Turns to Barney.
MARGE:
Mr. Gumble, I understand you need a place to stay for a while, but I cannot have you staying here. Springfield has many shelters for the unfortunate!
BARNEY:
(cheerful) That's me! (belches)
SFX: BELCHING
HOMER:
But Marge.....
MARGE:
What... do I also have to pretend I'm his wife?
HOMER:
(annoyed) Stop bringing up the past... you've made your point... but the next time Patty and Selma.....
Marge cuts off Homer.
MARGE:
(angry) Grrrrrr... Patty and Selma are FAMILY! I've made up my mind!
Marge goes back toward the kitchen.
HOMER:
(ashamed) I'm sorry buddy....
BARNEY:
That's OK!
CUT TO:
Outside Simpson home.. shot of driveway from front lawn. Homer and Barney are unloading the car into Bart's old red wagon.
BARNEY:
I feel bad about taking your kids wagon.
HOMER:
(brushing it off) Nah! He hasn't played with that thing in years!
Barney reaches into the trunk and pulls out a computer
HOMER:
I didn't know you had a computer...
BARNEY:
I won it at Moe's in a belching contest sponsored by Duff. I don't know what I'm gonna do with it... you want in Homer?
HOMER:
Well.... OK!
BARNEY:
That'll be 500 dollars!
HOMER:
(in disbelief) What?? I'm giving you my sons cherished wagon to haul your stuff off my property, and you have the nerve....
BARNEY:
What if I trade for the wagon?
Homer thinks it over for 2 seconds.
HOMER:
(happy) OK!
Barney puts the computer down in the driveway
BARNEY:
It's a deal! Homer (shakes his hand) you've helped me alot durning a difficult time. Now it's Moe's turn to do a good deed.
Barney pulls the wagon off the property. Shot of Barney pulling the wagon up the streeywith the sun setting. We see Homer's back as he waves a hankerchef toward Barney. Some sentimental music is playing
MUSIC: SAD
CUT TO:
INSIDE SIMPSON HOME AS HOMER COME IN THE FRONT DOOR. BART IS MAKING HIS WAY DOWN THE STAIRS
HOMER:
(proud) Boy! Look what I have...
BART:
(surprised) Wow... a computer!
HOMER:
(laughing) Yeah... I traded your wagon for it.
BART:
(in shock) wha??
HOMER:
I knew you'd understand!
Homer begins to walk upstairs with the computer.
BART:
Ahem... ahhh... Homer.... I believe that is my computer... since you traded my WAGON FOR IT!
Homer stops on the stairs and begins to think...
SFX: HOMER'S VOICE WITH ECHO
HOMER:
(thinking) He's got you on this one....
Homer speaks to Bart.
HOMER:
Son... you're too young to own a computer!
Homer thinks again.
SFX: HOMER'S VOICE WITH ECHO
HOMER:
(thinking) Got him on that one!
Homer turns and sees Bart staring at him. Homer's face goes from happy to disappointed.
HOMER:
(sad) D-oh!
Homer walks back down the stairs and lays the computer on the floor.
HOMER:
(angry to Bart) You've won this round boy!
Bart thinking to himself.
SFX: BART'S VOICE WITH ECHO
BART:
(thinking) The old puppy-dog-eyes work every time! (snickers out loud)
CUT TO:
BART IN HIS ROOM WITH COMPUTER ON HIS DESK... ALREADY ON
Bart sits at his desk.
BART:
Let's see what this baby can do...
Desktop comes up with wallpaper of a beautiful woman in a bathing suit
BART:
(questioning himself) Why is that so interesting.....
Bart notices "CONNECT TO INTERNET" on the screen.
BART:
(excited) THE INTERNET! Only in my dreams did I imagine I would go on-line.... WOW! Radioactive Man web sites, Itchy and Scratchy newsgroups, and a listing of every episode of the Krusty the Clown show... (more excited) all at the click of this button!
Bart clicks his mouse on the "CONNECT TO INTERNET". A smaller screen comes up that says "NO DIAL TONE"
BART:
(in disbelief) NO DIAL TONE!
Walks over to his Mary Worth phone and picks up the reciever.
SFX: DIAL TONE
Bart hears the dial tone and looks back toward the computer.
BART:
Must be broken I guess....
END ACT ONE
ACT TWO
MUSIC: SIMPSON TRANSITIONAL MUSIC
FADE IN:
Outside shot of Springfield Elementary.... next scene inside cafeteria during lunchtime. Looking down a table, Bart is on the left across from Milhouse. Bart is depressed.
MILHOUSE:
Hey Bart... what's wrong?
BART:
(sad) Dad gave my wagon away....
MILHOUSE:
(snickers) You play with a wagon?
BART:
(angry) Lay off, man! He traded it for some dumb computer that doesn't even work right.
MILHOUSE:
(excited) Whoa! You have a computer? Is it like Martin's?
BART:
How the hell should I know?
MILHOUSE:
I bet if I come over I can make it work... I can get you on the internet...
Bart's eyes open wide as Nelson comes over to the table.
NELSON:
Hey Simpson! I hear you have a computer!
BART:
How do you know?
Lisa walks by....
LISA:
I told him.......
And keeps going....
BART:
(mumbles) Big mouth......
NELSON:
So when can I see it... BART!
MILHOUSE:
(interrupting) Well, I'm going over this afternoon....
NELSON:
(to Bart) See ya this afternoon cyberboy!
BART:
(sarcastic to Milhouse) A quick painless death would have been better.
CUT TO:
Outside Simpson house... then into Bart's room with Bart, Milhouse and Nelson huddled around the computer.
BART:
(to Milhouse) See! No dial tone!
The dial-tone message is on the screen.
MILHOUSE:
Is your modem plugged in?
BART:
My WHAT?
Milhouse looks behind the computer and finds the cord for the telephone jack and plugs it in the wall.
MILHOUSE:
Try it now!
Bart tries it and it connects.
NELSON:
(hits Bart) Doofus!
The kids explore the internet...
MILHOUSE:
Let's see if we can chat...
Milhouse opens up the chat rooms and the kids look at the screen.
BART:
Let's go THERE!
Bart points to a chat room that says singles only.
NELSON:
You're looking for girls?
BART:
(ashamed) ahh... no?
NELSON:
That's better!
The kids enter the room and Bart enters the name Bartman
MILHOUSE:
What is that???
BART:
I think it's original.
In the room are 3 other guys names and a girl named Kira
MILHOUSE:
Get her attention.
The kids strike up a conversation with the girl. Meanwhile downstairs...
LISA:
(annoyed) MOM! Bart's tying up the phone line with his computer.
MARGE:
Lisa, it's an important world your brother is discovering...
Back upstairs...
BART:
(nervous) Oh my God.. Oh my God..
NELSON:
Bart you stud!
MILHOUSE:
Way to go Bart.... you lucky lucky dog!
BART:
(nervous) Oh my God... Oh my God..
MILHOUSE:
Catch ya later Bart (giggles)
NELSON:
You know, I never thought I'd say this... but you're somewhat cool.
Nelson and Milhouse leave laughing... they meet Marge downstairs.
MARGE:
Did you boys have fun?
NELSON:
Yeah... so did BART!
Nelson and Milhouse go out the door. Marge, curious, goes up to Bart's room.
MARGE:
Honey... your friends said you were having a good time on the computer...
BART:
I'm dead meat.
That night at dinner.
HOMER:
(points to Bart) Son, I need to use the computer tonight.
BART:
(worried) I don't care....
HOMER:
(laughing) What's wrong boy! Girl trouble?
Bart looks at Homer... Marge and Lisa also give him a look.
HOMER:
Aww... what did I do?
Later that night... Homer is pounding away at the keys on Bart's computer. Bart is lying on his bed staring at the ceiling.
HOMER:
(to nobody in particular) Stupid computer!
Homer begins to hit the keyboard
SFX: HITTING KEYBOARD
All of the sudden an e-mail message comes in...
SFX: AOLish "You've got mail!"
BART:
(thinking to himself) tell me he's not online!
Homer clicks on the message
HOMER:
What's this...........
FADE OUT: END ACT TWO
ACT THREE
FADE IN:
Bart's room with Homer reading the e-mail aloud. Bart is sitting on his bed covering his eyes.
HOMER:
(reading) Dear Bart... I had a great time chatting with you and can't wait until I meet you tomorrow outside your junior high. St. Mark's doesn't get out until 3:00, but since I'm in 7th grade I can ride my bike straight to your school! Can't wait to meet you.. love Sarah?
Homer turns around and sees Bart smiling at him...
HOMER:
Boy... you better have an explanation for this!
BART:
Well......
Cut to Marge coming up the stairs and walking toward Bart's room.
MARGE:
You two having.... (screaming) HOMER!
Homer is strangling Bart.
BART:
Ack! Ack!
Homer stops.
BART:
That's the LAST time you do that!
MARGE:
(yelling at Homer) Stop picking on him!
HOMER:
Marge, your son is dating a 13 year old girl!
MARGE:
(shameful) I know.....
HOMER:
(continuing) And another thing, we're... (pauses) what did you say?
MARGE:
(even more shameful) I know...
BART:
(in defense) I'm NOT dating her.....
HOMER:
(to Bart) I think we've heard enough outta you!
MARGE:
Bart told me the whole thing. He's meeting her after school.
Marge sits next to Bart on the bed.
MARGE:
(to Bart) Honey, you can't possibly think this girl is going to like you.... she's 3 years older than you.... and you've never seen each other.
BART:
(shameful) Yeah... I know.
MARGE:
I think you should meet this girl so she knows the truth about this....
BART:
Yeah, you're right mom.... thanks!
Bart kisses Marge on the cheek
SFX: KISS
MARGE:
Goodnight honey!
Marge and Homer leave... not noticing Lisa hiding in the hallway...Lisa walks into Bart's room and sits on his bed.
LISA:
Whatta ya gonna do Bart?
BART:
I guess I'll meet her after school...
LISA:
Oh Bart.... love makes the heart do strange things....
Turns to Bart
LISA:
You remember when you told me I wasn't ugly?
BART:
When you entered that beauty pageant....
LISA:
(smiling) yeah! (stern) BART! (pauses) (caring tone) you're not ugly...
Kisses Bart on hs cheek and leaves
BART:
(quietly) Thanks Lis....
CUT TO:
Outside of Springfield elementary... 2:30... all the children are boarding buses.
MILHOUSE:
(to Bart) You gonna do it?
BART:
(not so sure of himself) Uh-huh.....
Milhouse gets on the bus....
MILHOUSE:
Call me later... OK?
BART:
(still unsure) OK.....
The bus pulls away... Bart is all alone in front of the school. He begins to walk down the street. As he walks, he's imagining what Sarah will say when she meets him...
DREAM SEQUENCE:
SFX: ECHO UNDER VOICES..
SARAH:
Look at this little twirp... nice hairdo BART!
She pushes him down.. suddenly a bunch of Junior High girls appear... each prettier than the next. They start calling him names.
GIRLS:
Hey... look at this... a little 4th grader in love...
SARAH:
You actually thought I would like you didn't you? What's there to like?
BART:
(sobbing) But... But... But....
GIRLS:
(in chorus) Look at the crybaby.....
All the girls start to laugh and Bart comes out of the dream... He's in front of the Junior High.... just as deserted as Springfield Elementary.... the wind begins to blow on a cloudy afternoon.
BART:
(shivering in the wind) Let's get this over with....
Suddenly a hand taps his shoulder....
BART:
(screaming) AHHHHH!
It's Kira... not only is she pretty, but she looks short for a 7th grader.
SARAH:
Get what over with?
BART:
(skeptical) Are you Sarah?
SARAH:
(playfully) Uh-huh... and you don't look like a 7th grade student...
Bart is lost for words....
BART:
I'm not.... (defensive) But you don't either!
Kira looks down...
SARAH:
I'm a 5th grader....
Bart suddenly looks VERY happy...
BART:
(with excitement) YOU ARE! (re-thinks)...I mean... you are....
SARAH:
Yep!
BART:
You lied...
SARAH:
So did you!
BART:
So what does this mean?
Sarah pulls Bart close to her and kisses him on the lips. Bart's eyes go askew and his spikey hair becomes spiker.
SARAH:
(pushing him away) I guess we're a PERFECT match!
Bart is speechless.....
SARAH:
Bart?? (giggles)
Bart shakes his head
SARAH:
(walking toward Bart) Oh BART!
Pulls him close again and kisses him.... strains of Joe Cockers "With A Little Help From My Friends" plays.... pan out to street where Homer drives by. Homer recoginizes Bart kissing Sarah and pulls over to watch.... Back to the kiss.... Bart looks out of the corner of his eye and stops kissing Sarah.
BART:
(yelling at Homer).. DAD! Quit spying on me!
Shot of Homer looking out the window as Sarah and Bart kiss again.
HOMER:
(chuckles) He-He... they grow up so fast.
Wide shot of the scene from above as Homer drives away and Bart and Sarah still kiss.... with Joe Cocker still singing in the background...
FADE OUT:
CREDITS:
Credits roll with normal music... but with a taskbar at the bottom of the screen... the Gracie Films closing runs normal except that the music and "shhhsh" is replaced by the sound of a modem.
Press the back button your browser to return.