DAN MARTIN BILL GATES IS A NICE MAN REALLY. . .

Not as funny as other scripts, but still worth a read. LOTS of swaring. And, it has Kenny speaking! E-mail Dan Martin if you like this or want to comment on it.

[Mayor's office. She's on the phone.]

MAYOR: Yes. <listening> Yes. <listening> Wow! Sure, I'll be right on it! And good day to you, sir!

[She puts down the phone]

MAYOR: <to herself> At last, publicity! P-U-B-L...oh, never mind.

[Chef walks in.]

MAYOR: Now, Mr. Chef, what are you here for?

CHEF: I'd like to serve Fried Yogurt and Bacon Sandwich Delight at the school canteen every Wednesday, but it's illegal in 29 states!

MAYOR: <obviously preoccupied with the phone call> Yeah, sure whatever.

CHEF: Thank you Mayor, the little crackers are gonna love you for this.

[The bus stop. Everyone's there.]

CARTMAN: Hey, you guys, guess what?

KYLE: What?

KENNY: {You fucked your mom again?}

[Laughter.]

CARTMAN: No, not that, you poor bastard.

STAN: What is it, dude?

CARTMAN: I heard Mr. Garrison is teaching us about Bill Gates today.

KYLE: So?

CARTMAN: ...Eh...Shut up, Jew boy.  It's Bill Gates, for Chrissake.

STAN: Who the hell is Bill Gates?

KENNY: {I heard he makes porno movies and eats kebabs for breakfast.}

STAN: Wow, I bet he weighs 400 pounds.

KYLE: 'Kay.

[The bus pulls up.]

MISS CRABTREE: Come on, we're running late!

STAN: Whatever, you fat whore!

MISS CRABTREE: What did you say?!?

STAN: I said 'I just repainted my back door'

MISS CRABTREE: Oh, well, so did I.

[The scamps get on the bus.]

[Mr. Garrison's classroom. The room is in a state of disarray]

MR. GARRISON: Settle down, class!

[No response.]

Mr. HAT: Now you little fuckers sit down, before I hit you over the head with this bottle of vermouth! <holds up bottle>

[Everyone settles down.]

MR. GARRISON: Now today class, our friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us all about everyone's favourite bedtime story, "Bill Gates and the Voyage to Uranus."

CARTMAN: Stupid puppet.

MR. HAT: That's right, Mr. Ga...

MR. GARRISON: Eric, do you need to go and sit in time out for a minute?

ERIC: No, Mr...Mr. Garrison...I... was just...clearing my throat.

MR. GARRISON: Oh, OK.

MR. HAT: Now class, Bill Gates and the Voyage to Uranus is an epic fairy tale, written by Jack Nicholson, of how one man built a space craft, and took three friends, Ellen Degeneres, Boris Yeltsin and Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise to Uranus and back again.

[Mr. Hat waffles on in the background. We focus on the scamps.]

STAN: This sucks.

KYLE: School always sucks

CARTMAN: You guys, my mom said you can come over to my house and watch Terrance and Phillip if you want.

KYLE: Cool, dude!

STAN: Yeah.

MR. GARRISON: ...And that's how Bill Gates took over Jack Nicholson's spirit in The Overlook Hotel and built a multi-billion dollar computer corporation.

[Bell rings. Everyone leaves for lunch.]

[The cafeteria. The line is slowly moving up to Chef.]

KYLE: Hey, Stan, did you watch Mortal Kombat last night?

CARTMAN: I did! I did!

KYLE: I wasn't talking to you, fat ass.

CARTMAN: Screw you, hippie!

STAN: Yeah, I saw it, dude. I thought it sucked, apart from that bit at the end, where they kicked each other's asses.

KYLE: Yeah.

CARTMAN: Hey, you guys, I like that bit where that woman met that man on the beach, and they went back to the chick's house and took their clothes off and...

KENNY: What the?!?

STAN: Dude, that wasn't Mortal Kombat!

CARTMAN: My mom said it was.

KYLE: Your mom's a slut with a penis, you can't believe anything she says...ever.

[They reach chef.]

CHEF: Hello, children!

KIDS: Hey, Chef!

CHEF: How are you doing today?

KIDS: Good.

STAN: What's for lunch today, Chef?

CHEF: It's a new recipe I downloaded of the internet, along with some pictures of some women doing it d...but anyway, it's called Fried Yogurt and Bacon Sandwich Delight, it's illegal in 29 states!

KYLE: Whoa.

STAN: Sounds cool!

CARTMAN: I want some Fried Yogurt and Bacon Sandwich Delight, too.

[They all get some.]

CHEF: Have you heard the news?

KYLE: No.

STAN: What news, Chef?

CHEF: Bill Gates is coming to South Park!

CARTMAN: Who's Bill Gates?

CHEF: Dammit, don't you know anything, children?

KENNY: The Bill Gates that makes porno movies?

CHEF: No, not that Bill Gates.

KYLE: The Bill Gates in the "Voyage to Uranus" story?

CHEF: Nah...who told you that?

STAN: Mr. Garrison.

CHEF: The gay teacher? Dammit! Don't believe anything he says.

KYLE: We don't.

CHEF: Oh, good. Now move along, there're other kids here.

[Downtown South Park. The mayor is standing on a stage much like the one in "Weight Gain 4000." There is a flag there, but instead of saying "Welcome Kathie Lee," it says "Welcome Mr. Gates."]

MAYOR: Come on, everybody, we have one day before Bill Gates gets here. Let's go to work.

[Shot of people tripping over each other trying to put up flags and banners and photos of Bill Gates, etc.]

[Cartman's house. The scamps are sitting on the couch. Cartman is stuffing his face with Cheesy Poofs.]

STAN: Dude, everyone's going crazy about this Bill Gates dude coming to town.

KYLE: Yeah, and we still don't know who he is.

ANNOUNCER: <on TV> And now for a feature length episode of Terrance & Phillip...

KYLE: Sweet!

STAN: Kickass!

[We zoom in to the TV screen. It's Terrance and Phillip's house, in the kitchen. Terrance is holding the fridge door open.]

TERRANCE: Look, Phillip, there's no Kroff Dinner left.

PHILLIP: No Kroff Dinner?!?

TERRANCE: That's right, Phillip.

PHILLIP: Are you sure?

TERRANCE: Yes, I just checked. There's none there at all

PHILLIP: <mechanically> Oh no.

TERRANCE: Yes. It's a terrible shock.

PHILLIP: It sure is.

[Back to the couch.]

KENNY: {I think they're running out of ideas.}

STAN: I don't know, Kenny, it might be leading up to something big.

KYLE: Let's watch it and find out.

[Back to TV.]

TERRANCE: Oh, Phillip!

PHILLIP: Yes, Terrance?

TERRANCE: There's something right at the back of the fridge.

PHILLIP: Is is poutine?

TERRANCE: I don't know.

PHILLIP: Flapjack?

TERRANCE: Damn it man, I don't know. Here, hold my legs so I can get a closer look.

[Phillip holds Terrance's legs so Phillip's head is underneath Terrance's butthole.]

CARTMAN: <off screen> Uh-oh. Don't look there, Phillip! You're gonna get farted on!

TERRANCE: <grunt> Uhh...ahh.

[Terrance farts.]

PHILLIP: Can you see it yet?

TERRANCE: Just...one...more...

PHILLIP: Can yo....

TERRANCE: BEANS!!! IT'S BEANS!!! OH GLORIOUS BEANS!!! HOW YOU COME TO
US IN THIS KROFF DINNERLESS TIME OF NEED!!!

PHILLIP: So, what is it?

[Terrance farts. They laugh.]

TERRANCE: Beans, silly.

PHILLIP: Oh, good, I was feeling sick with the thought of no Kroff Dinner.

TERRANCE: Don't worry, now we have beans.

[Phillip farts. They laugh.]

PHILLIP: Beans.

[Back on the couch. Everyone is laughing.]

[Suddenly the channel changes, so Dirty Harry is on. It's the part right at the end where Dirty Harry is about to shoot that guy on the pier.]

CLINT EASTWOOD: ...Ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya...punk?

KYLE: Whoa, dude!

STAN: Who changed the channel?

KENNY: Cartman did, some of his fat landed on it and changed it.

CARTMAN: AY!

[They laugh.]

KYLE: Put Terrance and Phillip back on, quick!

[They change the channel back.]

ANNOUNCER: ...That's the end of Terrance and Phillip for this week. Now it's time for...

STAN: Rats.

KYLE: Dammit, Cartman! We missed the end of Terrance and Phillip!

CARTMAN: Shut up, you guys.

[The lights go out. All we can see is four sets of eyes.]

STAN: Whoa, dude!

KYLE: Aaaahhhh!

CARTMAN: Power cuts piss me off.

STAN: No shit, Cartman.

KYLE: What are we gonna do?  No lights and no Terrance and Phillip!

[A fifth set of eyes join them.]

SCAMPS: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

MRS. CARTMAN: Don't worry, boys! It's only me!

KENNY: {Phew, it's only Cartman's slut mother.}

CARTMAN: Ay!

MRS. CARTMAN: Why don't you boys borrow this torch and find out what caused the power cut?

STAN: Oh, okay.

CARTMAN: Gimme that. <snatches the torch>

MRS. CARTMAN: Bye, Hon'.

[They find the door and walk out. The moon gives minimal light, like just in front of where they are walking.]

STAN: This is gonna take forever.

KYLE: Yeah, where shall we look first?

KENNY: {Let's go to Chef's house and ask him.}

KYLE: Hey, yeah!

[Chef's house.]

STAN: ...And we were just watching Terrance and Phillip and then Cartman changed the channel with his flab...

CARTMAN: Ay!

STAN: ...And then the power went off and we got a torch off Cartman's mom and came here.

CHEF: You did the right thing, children. Now we'll take my car and go visit that crazy cracker up on the hill.

[In Chef's car.]

CARTMAN: Hey, Chef, there's a note on the back seat.

CHEF: What does it say, children?

[Stan snatches the note off Cartman]

CARTMAN: AY! I was reading that, you buttlicker!

STAN: It says 'Dear Chef, thank you for the night of good lovin'. Maybe we can...

[Chef turns round and takes the note from Stan's hand]

CHEF: Children...that's just my order for a Chinese takeaway

KYLE: <believing it> Oh.

STAN: Dude, you had sex with...

CHEF: <worried> Uh... oh look, children: Terrance and Phillip are over there!

KIDS: <excited> Where?!?!

[Their faces are glued to the windows trying to see. There is a long silence.]

STAN: Dude! Chef, Terrance and Phillip aren't there.

CHEF: Oh, well it must have been a squirrel. Oh, look! <relieved> Here we are.

[Outside South Park Genetical Engineering Ranch.]

CHEF: Goddamn, this place gives me the hooboo-jeebies.

STAN: I'm scared dude.

CHEF: Just stay close, where's that torch?

[Cartman switches the torch on.]

[Mephesto is standing right in front of them.]

MEPHESTO: Can I help you?

EVERYONE ELSE: AAAAHHHH!!!

CHEF: Damn, you should get some lighting for this place.

MEPHESTO: This facility is adequately lighted every night of the year, it's just today I had to reroute some power for my secr.... I've already said too much. Why don't you come in?

[Mephesto's Lab.]

CHEF: Do you have any idea why the power went out?

MEPHESTO: There was a power surge from a limo a hundred miles from South Park. I've traced it, and the owner is a....Bill Gates, do any of you know him?

CHEF: You don't know who Bill Gates is?

MEPHESTO: I'm in this laboratory 24-7, working my four asses off trying to push forward the boundaries of genetics, so to answer your question, no, I don't know who Bill Gates is.

KYLE: ...'Kay.

CHEF: Is there anyway you can restore the power?

MEPHESTO: Yes, there is, but it requires great concentration and twenty bucks.

CHEF: Why the hell do you need twenty big ones?

KYLE: Are you gonna phone Bill Gates?

MEPHESTO: Not exactly...

[Chef pulls out his wallet. We see pictures of women in various states of undress before he finds a twenty dollar bill.]

CHEF: Here you go. This better work.

MEPHESTO: It will, believe me.

[Mephesto turns round to a big work station covered in knobs, dials and switches. He looks at them for a minute. Close up of one of the switches, Mephesto flicks it to "on" and pockets the twenty.]

MEPHESTO: There. All done.

CHEF: What the fudge?!? Gimme back my twenty!

MEPHESTO: That was fo...uhh, never mind. Anyway, the power is back on and Bill Gates is coming to town, so I guess I'll be seeing you.

CHEF: <under his breath> That is one fudged up little cracker.

[Chef and the kids exit.]

[The next day. On the stage area.]

MAYOR: Okay, everybody, it's time to welcome everybody's favourite...<covers the mike up> What does he do again?

IGG: I...no one knows, Mayor. It's a mystery.

MAYOR: Uh...everybody's favourite person, Bill Gates. Come up here, Mr. Gates!

[A 3 ft. dwarf wearing bermuda shorts, a string vest, a John Virgo waistcoat and a red bandanna steps out from behind the curtain.]

EVERYONE: Oooooooo!

KYLE AND CARTMAN: Whoa!

STAN: My mom always said there weren't any dwarves, not real ones, but there are, aren't there?

MR. GARRISON: <from the crowd> I have that waistcoat in red!

MR. HAT: <from the crowd> You haven't worn that in ages Mr. Garrison!

KENNY: {Dude, it IS the Bill Gates that makes porno movies and eats kebabs!}

STAN: What?

KENNY: {He makes porno movies!}

STAN: 'Kay.

TOWNSPERSON: <from the crowd> Who's he?

MAYOR: So, Mister Gates, wh...Yeah. Who are you?

DWARF BILL GATES: I make porno movies and eat kebabs.

MAYOR: Really? Well, that's...great. <to her assistants> Lose the press, get them out of here before they...

OOOK: <off screen> Uh Mayor, the mike is on.

MAYOR: This is a disaster!

[A limo pulls up. A man gets out, wearing a T-shirt that says "I built the Microsoft Corporation and all I got was a lousy $100 billion."]

MAYOR: Who are you?

THE BILL GATES: I'm Bill Gates. Here have a free copy of Windows '98!

[Tosses the mayor a CD.]

MAYOR: At last Bill Gates is here!

DWARF BILL GATES: I know I am!

THE BILL GATES: So, it's my evil twin brother, Bill Gates.

DWARF BILL GATES: We meet again!

STAN: You guys are twins?

DWARF BILL GATES: It's a long story, kid.

THE BILL GATES: I have looked for thee for twenty nine years with no avail.  Now, it is time to meet your doom!

STAN: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here!

KYLE: Yep.

MAYOR: Somebody explain this to me.

STEVE BUSCEMI: Maybe I can help.

MAYOR: Not another fucking weirdo!

STEVE BUSCEMI: Hello. I'm Steve Buscemi. 29 years ago, the mother of Bill Gates...

JIMBO: <from the crowd> Which one?

STEVE BUSCEMI: What are you, a retard? Both of them! Didn't you hear them say they were brothers?

JIMBO: No.

STEVE BUSCEMI: My bad.

[The crowd looks blank.]

STEVE BUSCEMI: If I may continue, 29 years ago, the mother of these bastards here had a baby. <points to Dwarf Bill Gates> This baby was so incredibly deformed that at soon, the mother wanted the baby destroyed. But something strange happened.

MR. GARRISON: <from the crowd> Why does that not surprise me?

MR. HAT: Yeah! Weird stuff always happens in this town, mister! Steve Buscemi: The baby grew and gained sentience with great speed, soon, he was old enough to drink, and retired to Mexico with a Plymouth Fury, some fava beans, and a nice Chianti. No one heard of him again, ever!

THE BILL GATES: Until now.

STEVE BUSCEMI: Until Now. When this Bill Gates <points to THE Bill Gates> was old enough, he developed a curious interest in the history of his apparent dead brother, as well as a computer company on the side. When he was 27, the Dwarf Bill Gates gained knowledge that would
make him the most powerful person on Earth, except for Barbra Streisand.

KYLE: <from the crowd> What was it?

STEVE BUSCEMI: Don't you know?

KYLE: No.

STEVE BUSCEMI: What's the most important thing to a man?

CHEF: Oh, not this again!

STAN: Uhh...bicycles?

CARTMAN: Ham?

KYLE: No, it's not ham Cartman, you retard!

CARTMAN: Shut up, Jewey, it's ham, isn't it Steve?

STEVE BUSCEMI: Yes.

EVERYONE: What?!?

STEVE BUSCEMI: Dwarf Bill Gates ate 30 kilos of ham a day for nine years, and after having sex with a goat...

DWARF BILL GATES: And a donkey!

STEVE BUSCEMI: ...He found he had the rule book to Scrabble. He waited for what seemed like an eternity, amassing his Scrabbicular knowledge and reading through every dictionary until he was the best Scrabble player in the world. He has waited all his life to beat his brother in a game of Scrabble, and now, that time has come.

MAYOR: All this over a game of scrabble?

STEVE BUSCEMI: Yeah.

MAYOR: Oh.

STEVE BUSCEMI: And?

MAYOR: It just seems a little...immature, that's all.

[THE Bill Gates walks on stage, joining Steve Buscemi, the Mayor and Dwarf Bill Gates.]

THE BILL GATES: This man is the evil of the Earth, nothing is more nasty and horrible than this piece of shit right here! <points to Steve Buscemi>

STEVE BUSCEMI: Hey!

THE BILL GATES: ...Than this piece of shit right here! <points to Dwarf Bill Gates>

[Kenny rushes on stage.]

KENNY: {Bill Gates! Bill Gates! Can I have your autograph? I loved your "Lesbians After Dark" trilogy!}

DWARF BILL GATES: You did? Oh, that was my best trilogy. Wait, where's your autograph book?

KENNY: {Uh...}

CARTMAN: <from the crowd> His family is so poor they can't afford an autograph book. They have to put their house up for a mortgage every time they want a cup of coffee!

[Everyone laughs.]

KENNY: {Fuck you, fat boy!}

CARTMAN: AY! Why don't you go back to your ghetto in North Dakota, and leave me here to try and tidy up this podunk little town.

[Silence.]

STAN: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?

CARTMAN: I'm just saying Kenny's a poor son of a bitch, that's all.

THE BILL GATES: Enough! Let the final apocalyptic Scrabble match between multi-billionaire computer tycoon and 3 ft. scrabble expert be fought right here in South Park.

[A big area is cleared in the street and replaced by a giant Scrabble board. The tiles weigh about 400 lbs.]

KYLE: Wow, look at the size of those Scrabble tiles!

STAN: I bet they weigh 400 lbs!

[We see THE Bill Gates and Dwarf Bill Gates at either side of the Scrabble board.]

DWARF BILL GATES: You go first.

THE BILL GATES: Haven't you got the courage?

DWARF BILL GATES: No, I've already planned the whole game.

THE BILL GATES: Oh. How many letters do we get?

DWARF BILL GATES: 12.

THE BILL GATES: How long is the game gonna last?

DWARF BILL GATES: One word!

OFFICER BARBRADY: One word?

THE BILL GATES: That was my line!

CROWD: Gasp!

[We see THE Bill Gates trying to shift a giant Scrabble tile. He is struggling. Suddenly, he has a burst of strength and flips it up. It flies over and lands on Kenny, squashing him.]

STAN: Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!

KYLE: You bastards!

THE BILL GATES: Oh well.

[Next day. Still in the road, THE Bill Gates is just tidying up "CAN" as his first word. Everyone is asleep, the scamps are only just awake.]

DWARF BILL GATES: That's a bit lame isn't it?

THE BILL GATES: Have you felt the weight of these fuckers?

DWARF BILL GATES: My turn.

[Dwarf Bill Gates double times his move, effortlessly spelling out "VAS DEFERENS."]

THE BILL GATES: That's not a fucking word!

DWARF BILL GATES: Look it up, dumbass!

[THE Bill Gates pulls a pocket out of his dictionary and looks it up.]

STAN: What's it say? What's it say?

THE BILL GATES: <straining to read> Either of...a pair...of vert...ebrate ducts...that carry sperm from the...Ewwww! That's disgusting.

DWARF BILL GATES: Well, it beats the shit out of 'CAN', and I get a triple word score! I win! I win! <evil laugh> AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

[Officer Barbrady hits Dwarf Bill Gates in the head with his nightstick.]

OFFICER BARBRADY: That's it, Mister; it's jail for you.

CROWD: YEAH!

DWARF BILL GATES: But why?

OFFICER BARBRADY: You beat Bill Gates. I loved him in the "Voyage to Uranus" story. No one beats up my Bill Gates.

KYLE: But you can't read, dude!

STAN: Yeah! How'd you know about it?

OFFICER BARBRADY: I saw the animated version on Cartoon Network. My favourite bit was at the beginning where they had to make a trade with the martians to get the tools they needed to mend their spacecraft.

THE BILL GATES: Uhhh... that was 'Bill Gates and the Voyage to Mars'

OFFICER BARBRADY: It figures! Oh well, I'm off to take this criminal to jail. <drags off Dwarf Bill Gates>

DWARF BILL GATES: You beat me this time, brother. But beware, you will never be safe from my wrath. I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison my brothers, and you will know my name is The Lord, when I lay my veng...

[Officer Barbrady hits Dwarf Bill Gates over the head with a nightstick.]

OFFICER BARBRADY: That's enough out of you!

[The slow piano music starts up.]

STAN: You know, I learned something today.

KYLE: Yeah?

STAN: It doesn't matter if you've been in Mexico for twenty odd years gathering knowledge about some stupid board game. There's always some billionaire computer tycoon out there who's better than you.

KYLE: Yeah.

CARTMAN: And Bill Gates kicks ass!

[THE Bill Gates comes over to the boys]

THE BILL GATES: I can't thank you enough, boys.

STAN: What did we do?

THE BILL GATES: Nothing, but you're the only people still here.

[The camera pans around. It's deserted apart from Chef, the kids and Bill Gates. There is the same sort of rubbish in the "venue" as there was after the concert in "Chef Aid."]

KYLE: Oh.

[Bill Gates walks off into the sunset. A banjo plays C & W in the background.]

CARTMAN: Bye, Bill Gates!

KYLE: Micrsoft Windows '98 Plus! was the best software package EVER!

[Chef walks up to the kids.]

STAN: Chef, are they gonna lock up that mean old dwarf forever?

CHEF: I sure hope so, Stan. That was one mean old cracker.

KYLE: Yeah! No more Dwarf Bill Gates...EVER!

CARTMAN: Kickass!

CHEF: Say what happened to that Steve Buscemi guy?

STAN: That the guy on stage?

CHEF: Yeah.

STAN: He grabbed the diamonds and ran out of the warehouse, but the police got him in the end. They always do.

KYLE: You guys, Terrance and Phillip is on!

CARTMAN: Kickass!

[End.]

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