CHRIS ANDERSON KENNY'S B*TCH
This is my personal favourite because it's funny and long enough to be a real episode. Well done Chris! Mail the author here.
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are there.]
KYLE: Did you guys see Terrance and Phillip last night?
STAN: Yeah! It kicked ass! Except I wish Cartoon Central would stop showing reruns and get some new shows on.
CARTMAN: Yeah, those guys that, like, thought that show up are a couple o' lazy assholes!
KYLE: Hey, where’s Kenny?
STAN: I don’t know; I haven’t seen him for a few days.
KYLE: Do you guys think he’s OK?
CARTMAN: Heh heh. His dad probably sold him to buy more booze.
[The kids laugh. Kenny walks up. He has his eyes half-closed and there are little flashes and hearts around his head.]
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Hey, Kenny.
KYLE: Where were you, Kenny? Cartman was just making fun of your family again.
[Kenny is just standing there with what would be stupid grin on his face.]
KYLE: Kenny?
[No change.]
KYLE: Kenny!?
[No change.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit, you poor son-of-a-bitch! You will answer when you are spoken to!
[Cartman punches Kenny in the face. No change.]
STAN: Damn, man! What the Hell is wrong with him?
KYLE: Dude! I know what this is!
STAN: You do?
KYLE: Yeah! That the same look you get when you see Wendy Testaburger from far away!
STAN: You mean Kenny’s in love!?
KYLE: I think so.
CARTMAN: Heh heh. Yeah. He’s in love with your little, hippie girlfriend, Stan!
STAN: F*ck you, fat-ass! She is not my girlfriend!
CARTMAN: Ay! Cartman 3:16 says Ah will kick you in the nuts!
STAN: Cartman 3:16? What the Hell is that!?
KYLE: Nothing. Lard-ass has been watching wrestling again.
STAN: Oh.
CARTMAN: You will shut up and that’s the bottom line, son! You guys, Ah know what’s wrong with Kenny.
[There is silence. Cartman is getting very impatient waiting for someone to ask him what he thinks is wrong with Kenny.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Somebody ask me what’s wrong with him!
STAN: Oh, all right. (Mechanically.) Cartman, what do you think is wrong with Kenny?
CARTMAN: Well, Ah was watching this movie the other day and it had all these animals that could talk in it, right? Well, whenever one of them fell in love, this little skunk would say they were twitterpated and that’s what wrong with Kenny.
[Stan and Kyle start laughing at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: What the f*ck is so f*ckin’ funny!?
STAN: You were watching Bambi!
[Stan falls over from laughing so hard.]
CARTMAN: Mah mom said that was how she wanted me to learn about the birds and the bees!
KYLE: (Laughing.) Why? Doesn’t she have enough magazines at your house to share?
[There are tears rolling down Kyle’s face from laughing so hard.]
CARTMAN: Weak!
[The bus pulls up and the kids start to get on board except for Kenny who is still just standing there with that stupid grin on his face.]
STAN: Come on, Kenny!
[Kenny doesn’t move.]
STAN: Goddammit! Kyle, give me a hand with Kenny!
[Kyle and Stan each grab one of Kenny’s feet and drag him onto the bus, hitting his head on every step. Kenny’s expression never changes.]
[Int. view, the bus. Stan and Kenny stick Kenny in a seat and take their usual seat in back.]
STAN: Dude, this is more serious than I thought!
KYLE: Yeah! We better see if we can find someone at school to help us!
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison’s classroom.]
MR. GARRISON: And now, class, our friend, Mr. Hat is going to tell us all about the wonders of fire safety.
MR. HAT: That’s right, Mr. Garrison. Fire is mankind’s oldest and most dangerous enemy. It was first captured when Marco Polo joined the Seattle Seahawks in 1237. After that, it took a holiday in Denmark where it met its future in-laws, the Johnson family from Copenhagen....
STAN: (To Kyle.) Dude, we have to see if Kenny is in love with Wendy!
CARTMAN: Why, Stan? Are you afraid of a little competition for your hippie girlfriend?
STAN: She’s not my girlfriend, fat-ass!
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah don’t hafta take that kind of sh*t from some asshole with a gay homosexual dog! Screw you guys, Ah’m goin’ home.
[Cartman gets up and starts to leave.]
MR. GARRISON: Eric, where do you think you’re going?
CARTMAN: (Pointing at Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.) Ah ain’t gonna sit with those assholes no more! Screw you guys, Ah’m goin’ home.
MR. GARRISON: Eric, sit your fat ass down and shut up!
CARTMAN: But Ah don’ wanna!
MR. HAT: You sit down right now, you little f*cker, before I kill everyone in this room!
CARTMAN: (Under his breath.) Weak.
[Cartman sits back down.]
MR. GARRISON: Now, if there aren’t any more interruptions, Mr. Hat can continue his lecture.
[Mr. Hat continues his lecture in the background.]
STAN: Hey, Wendy, could you do me a favor?
WENDY: What’s up, Stan?
STAN: I...um...I need you to talk to Kenny.
WENDY: Why?
KYLE: Well, Kenny looks just like Stan does when he sees you from far away so we think he might be in love.
WENDY: What!?
STAN: Dude! Just say hi or something!
WENDY: Oh, all right. (To Kenny.) Hi, Kenny.
[Kenny doesn’t do anything. He still just sitting there with his eyes half shut and little hearts and flashes around his head.]
KYLE: Well that proves it. Kenny’s in love but it’s not with Wendy.
STAN: How do you know that?
KYLE: Simple. Every time Wendy talks to you like that, you barf.
STAN: Oh, yeah!
CARTMAN: So, who’s Kenny in love with, then?
KYLE: Well...I don’t know.
STAN: Then there’s only one way to find out!
[Film montage of all the girls in the class saying hi to Kenny. Stan and Kyle are wearing white lab coats and holding clipboards, taking notes. Some of that corny 1950s “science film music” is playing the whole time. Cartman is busy emptying bag after bag of Cheesy Poofs. Kyle and Stan compare notes and shake their heads.]
KYLE: Dammit! There’s no one left!
STAN: Well, there’s one more thing we can do.
CARTMAN: Ah thought you said that last thing was the last thing we could do?
STAN: No one asked you, nostril-f*cker!
[Int. view, South Park Elementary cafeteria. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman walk up to the end of the line for lunch, dragging Kenny, who still has all the little hearts and flashes around his head, behind them. Cartman is sweating.]
CARTMAN: Goddamn, Kenny’s heavy. Ah don’t think Ah have ever worked this hard in my life, you guys, seriously.
STAN: Jesus, Cartman! You’re only carrying part of him! How hard could this be!?
CARTMAN: Ay! You Whities have oppressed mah people long enough!
KYLE: What the Hell are you talking about!?
CARTMAN: Mah black people have been held down in this country for over 400 years and we ain’t gonna take this bullsh*t no more, Goddammit!
STAN: But, Cartman, you’re white.
CARTMAN: Ah am not listening to you, Whitey!
[The line moves up a few people.]
KYLE: Well, let’s get up there. Cartman, grab Kenny.
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.) Oh, yes, Massa! Ah carries him real good, Massa!
[Cartman starts singing “Swing Low Sweet Chariot” as he drags Kenny behind him.]
KYLE: So what are we doing?
[Cartman is singing in the background.]
STAN: Dude, Chef knows more about love than anyone we know, right?
[Cartman is still singing in the background.]
KYLE: Right.
[Cartman is still singing in the background.]
STAN: So, we’ll ask him to help us with Kenny!
[Cartman is singing in the background.]
KYLE: Goddammit! Will you shut up already, Cartman!?
[The line moves up to where Chef is.]
CHEF: Hello, children!
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Hey, Chef!
CHEF: And how are my little whitebreads today?
STAN: Bad.
CHEF: Why bad?
KYLE: We think Kenny’s in love; he won’t do anything but just sit there and look all weird.
CARTMAN: Ah think he’s twitterpated.
CHEF: You mean like in “Bambi?”
CARTMAN: Yeah that’s it!
CHEF: Were you over at Kyle’s house when his brother was watching it?
CARTMAN: No, Ah saw it at mah house. Mah mom wanted me to watch it so Ah could learn how the birds and bees get each other pregnant.
CHEF: Say what?
CARTMAN: Yeah! Every time some animals would fall in love, they’d get these little hearts around them and they’d fall all over the place and this skunk would say they were twitterpated!
STAN: Yeah! And then Bambi’s mom got shot!
CARTMAN: She WHAT!?
CHEF: So, you were actually just watching “Bambi” at home?
CARTMAN: Yeah?
[Chef starts laughing and falls behind the lunch counter, knocking a big spoonful of peas into the air.]
STAN: Chef! We really need your help!
[Chef gets up from behind the counter and wipes a tear from his eye.]
CHEF: All right, children. What can I do for you?
KYLE: We checked with every girl in our class and Kenny’s not in love with any of them!
CHEF: Uh-huh.
STAN: So we need to know who else there could be to check!
CHEF: Hmm. Well, I’m not Sherlock Holmes, children, but there is that new girl in school.
KYLE: What new girl?
CHEF: She just moved here this weekend and today is her first day. I think Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey were showing her around the school earlier today.
STAN: Do you know where she is now?
CHEF: Oh, children, that’s easy. She’s just over there.
[Chef points off screen. The camera zips off in the direction he pointed to show a girl who looks a lot like Kenny except that she is wearing a purple and pink parka and hood and she has blond pigtails sticking out of her hood.]
[Cut back to Chef and the kids.]
KYLE: What’s her name?
CHEF: I think it’s Kelly McGuire.
STAN: Killer! Thanks, Chef!
[Stan and Kyle walk off screen.]
CHEF: (To Stan and Kyle.) Wait, children! I have a song for this! I...oh, forget it.
CARTMAN: Ah wanna hear your song, Chef!
CHEF: That’s nice, children. Now get your food and go sit your fat ass down.
CARTMAN: Ay!
[Cut to Stan and Kyle. They are walking toward Kelly.]
STAN: Dude, this is weird.
KYLE: Totally! She could almost be Kenny’s twin sister!
[They stop dead in their tracks.]
STAN AND KYLE: Ew.
[They walk up to Kelly.]
STAN: Uh...Kelly? My name’s Stan and this is Kyle.
KYLE: Hi.
KELLY: Mmnm.
STAN: We were wondering if you’d do us a favor?
KELLY: Nmmn?
KYLE: (Points to Kenny.) See, that’s our friend, Kenny. We...uh...we think he may have...um...fallen in love with you.
KELLY: Mnmm nmm?
STAN: Yeah, but we don’t know for sure. Could you just go up and say hi to him?
KELLY: Mnmm.
[Kelly walks over to Kenny.]
KELLY: Mnmmn, Mmnmn.
[Kenny barfs but nothing comes out of his hood. Instead, a puddle starts forming at his feet. Stan and Kyle walk back to Cartman.]
STAN: That’s it!
KYLE: Dude! We did it! We found the girl Kenny’s in love with!
CARTMAN: Rock the Casbah! We know who Kenny twitterpated Kenny!
[Stan and Kyle stare at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: What?
STAN: Goddamn, Cartman! Can’t you say anything that’s not so f*cking lame!?
CARTMAN: Ay! You can just kiss mah black ass!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Stan’s house at night. Stan’s parents are on the front steps while Stan is standing just inside the door, which is open.]
MRS. MARSH: Now, Stanley, you boys behave and don’t get into any trouble while were at the movies.
STAN: I won’t, Mom.
MR. MARSH: Here, Stan.
[Stan’s dad hands Stan $20 bucks.]
MR. MARSH: Order some pizza or something for dinner.
STAN: Dude! Cartman’s here! Twenty bucks isn’t going to be enough money for pizza if he’s eating too!
MRS. MARSH: We’d better go or we’ll miss the music and those movie trivia things before the movie!
MR. MARSH: See you later, Stan!
[Stan’s parents get into the car and back out into the street. Mrs. Marsh sticks her head out the window.]
MRS. MARSH: And remember, Stanley, don’t watch that awful Terrance and Phillip, all right?
STAN: OK, Mom.
[Mrs. Marsh sticks her head back in the car and they leave. Stan goes inside and closes the door.]
[Int. view, Stan’s living room. Kyle and Cartman are sitting on the couch.]
CARTMAN: (Acting like Stan’s mom.) Don’t watch that awful Terrance and Phillip, Stanley! Bwahahahahahahahaha!
KYLE: That sucks that your mom says we can’t watch Terrance and Phillip, Dude.
STAN: I know.
KYLE: So, what are we going to watch now?
CARTMAN: We could watch “Working!” That show is coo’!
KYLE: Cartman! That show couldn’t suck any more if it were the vacuum of space!
CARTMAN: What do you mean!? Fred Savage is one of the greatest actors of our time, Goddammit!
STAN: Cartman, Fred Savage hasn’t been in a show as bad as “Working” since he was on “Full House!”
KYLE: Seriously, what are you going to do, Stan?
STAN: I’m going to do what any red-blooded American kid would do.
CARTMAN: So, are we watchin’ Terrance and Phillip, or what?
STAN: Totally.
[Stan hops up onto the couch, picks up the remote control, points it at the TV, and turns the TV on. Terrance and Phillip are on. Cut to TV screen.]
TERRANCE: (On TV.) Oh, Phillip?
PHILLIP: (On TV.) Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: (On TV.) I bought a new car today!
PHILLIP: (On TV.) A new car, Terrance?
TERRANCE: (On TV.) Yes! Would you like to smell the air freshener that came with it?
PHILLIP: (On TV.) You know I would, Terrance!
[Terrance farts. Terrance and Phillip both start laughing. Cut back to the kids on the couch. They’re all laughing, too.]
CARTMAN: Man! That was sweet!
KYLE: He farted right on him again!
STAN: Hey! Where’s Kenny?
CARTMAN: He probably had go help his family root around in the dumpster behind Happy Burger!
[The kids all laugh.]
STAN: This isn’t like him to miss Terrance and Phillip. Maybe I should call him?
KYLE: Does Kenny even have a phone?
CARTMAN: Yeah, Stan. If Ah was you, Ah’d just tah a note to a brick and through it through Kenny’s window.
KYLE: Do they even have windows?
[Stan and Cartman both shrug.]
STAN: I’m going to try and call him anyway.
[Stan gets a phone book off the table the phone is sitting on, next to the couch.]
STAN: Here it is!
[Stan picks up the phone and dials Kenny’s number.]
[Int. view, Kenny’s living room. Kenny’s dad is drinking, naturally. Kenny’s mom and brother are sitting in front of an old picture of a fireplace.]
KENNY’S BROTHER: Ma, you think some day we can get a real heater?
MRS. MCCORMICK: Maybe some day, son. If yer father ever stops drinkin’ so we have some f*ckin’ money!
MR. MCCORMICK: Shut up, bitch! I work hard all day to support this family and I don’t wanna come home and hear that sh*t all the time, Goddammit!
MRS. MCCORMICK: You don’t work fer nothin’ you son-of-a-bitch!
MR. MCCORMICK: Woman, so help me...
[Kenny’s brother has been laughing the whole time. The phone rings. Mr. McCormick picks it up.]
MR. MCCORMICK: Yeah?
STAN: (On the phone.) Is Kenny there?
MR. MCCORMICK: Has he won the lottery or somethin’?
STAN: (On the phone.) Uh...no.
MR. MCCORMICK: Well, sh*t. Yeah, he’s here. Hold on.
[Mr. McCormick sets down the phone, gets off the couch, and trips over several empty bottles next to the couch. He gets up and goes to Kenny’s door and pounds on it.]
[Int. view, Kenny’s room. Kenny and Kelly are sitting on the floor facing each other so we can’t see their faces but we can hear kissy sounds. Kenny’s dad pounds on the door.]
MR. MCCORMICK: (Behind the door.) Kenny! One of your little asshole friends on the phone!
[Kenny gets up and leaves his room. He goes over the phone and picks it up.]
KENNY: Mmnmm?
[Cut back to Stan on the phone in his living room.]
STAN: Kenny! Why aren’t you over here? We’re all watching Terrance and Phillip!
KENNY: (On the phone.) Mnnmmnm, mnmm mnn Nmnmm mmnnm.
STAN: What!? What’s she doing there?
[We can hear Kenny laughing on the phone.]
STAN: Oh. So, are you coming over later, then?
KENNY: (On the phone.) Nm. Mnmmn mnm nmnm.
STAN: Why the Hell not, Dammit!?
KENNY: (On the phone.) Mnm nmmmnm mmnmm nnmm nmmm nmmmmnnmmn mmnnm.
STAN: That’s sick, Dude!
[We can hear Kenny laughing again.]
STAN: Well, I guess we’ll see you at school tomorrow, Kenny. Bye.
[Stan hangs up the phone.]
KYLE: So, is Kenny coming over?
STAN: No! He says he’s busy with his “girlfriend!”
KYLE: Who? Kelly?
STAN: Yeah, I think so.
CARTMAN: Dude, this is f*ckin’ weak! First we got Stan’s little hippie girlfriend and now we got Kenny’s bitch! What the Hell is goin’ on hya!? Is Kyle gonna get all hitched up to some skanky Jewish tart next!?
STAN: Maybe you and Sally Struthers will get together.
[Stan and Kyle laugh.]
CARTMAN: Ay! Don’t you go and put me in your world of misery, ass-master! I will kick you squa’ in the nuts!
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are all there.]
STAN: Do you guys think we’ll see Kenny today?
CARTMAN: Is he bringin’ pah?
KYLE: (Sarcastically.) Yeah, Cartman. Kenny is bringing pie to school just like every other day because his family is so rich that they can just give away pies every f*cking day.
CARTMAN: Ay! If you’re gonna talk bad about pah, then I don’t wanna have anything to do with you, dog sucker!
STAN: Ooo, that’s a big loss.
[Stan and Kyle laugh.]
CARTMAN: Ay! Screw you guys! You guys are totally heli-immature.
STAN: Oh, not that stupid “heli” sh*t again!
[Kenny and Kelly walk up to the bus stop holding hands. They both have their eyes half-closed and have little flashes and hearts around their heads.]
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Hey, Kenny.
STAN AND KYLE: Hey, Kelly.
CARTMAN: Hey, Little Miss Kenny’s Bitch.
[Kelly roshambos Cartman. Cartman falls down.]
CARTMAN: (Coughing.) Ugh! Christ! What the Hell was that for, ya damn dirty skank!?
[Kelly kicks Cartman in the face. All the kids, except Cartman, laugh.]
STAN: Dude! You’re pretty cool, Kelly!
KYLE: Yeah! Do you and Kenny want to hang out with us?
KENNY AND KELLY: Mnmmn!
STAN: Killer! Well, Miss Crabtree must be sleeping it off again. Let’s go.
[The kids, except for Cartman, start to leave.]
CARTMAN: Ay! What about me!?
KYLE: What about you?
CARTMAN: Are you assholes just gonna leave me hya to dah on the cold, cold ground?
STAN: Well, basically.
CARTMAN: What!?
KYLE: You heard him, Cartman! You’re out of the group! Come on guys.
[The kids, except for Cartman, leave.]
CARTMAN: (Yelling.) Fine! Screw you guys! I don’ need none of you! I’ll find...*sniff*...new...*sniff*...friends.
[Cartman gets up and a tear runs down his face.]
CARTMAN: I can’t believe it. They abandoned me.
[He starts crying.]
CARTMAN: (Crying.) Dude, this is f*ckin’ weak! I need somethin’ to drah mah ahs.
[Cartman starts fishing around in his pocket. When he pulls his hand out, he has a few Cheesy Poofs in it.]
CARTMAN: Cheesy Poofs! Sweet! (To the Cheesy Poofs.) You guys are mah real friends. Yeah. You’d never leave me like those bitches did, would you? No.
[Cartman eats the Cheesy Poofs.]
CARTMAN: Too bad you’re so delicious!
[He burps loudly.]
CARTMAN: Well, Ah guess Ah better get to school.
[Cartman leaves the scene.]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison’s classroom. Mr. Garrison is writing “CIGARETTES” on the blackboard.]
MR. GARRISON: All right, class, settle down. Now, today we’re going to learn about why cigarettes are bad for you.
[The class groans.]
MR. GARRISON: But first, we’re going to learn about how we got the devil weed, tobacco, from our friend, Mr. Hat.
[The class groans louder.]
MR. HAT: All you little f*ckers shut up and die!
MR. GARRISON: Mr. Hat, I understand you have a lesson for us?
MR. HAT: That’s right, Mr. Garrison. Tobacco first came to this country in 1922 when Al Capone ruled Australia. It was here that the Japanese decided to raid India to exchange some crappy beads for a large chunk of the American continent. This was followed by the Pilgrims landing at Rocky Balboa’s mansion and...
[Mr. Hat continues in the background. Shot of the class. Kelly is now sitting at Cartman’s regular desk. Cartman is off in a corner by himself.]
STAN: Hey, Kelly? Do you and Kenny want to come over to my house tonight to watch Fat Abbot?
KENNY AND KELLY: Mnmmm.
KYLE: Why the Hell are we watching Fat Abbot?
STAN: Because it’s really f*cking funny to hear cartoons curse.
KYLE: Oh, yeah.
CARTMAN: What about me? Can Ah come over, too?
STAN: You’re not invited, Cartman.
CARTMAN: What!?
KYLE: You heard him, fat-ass. We don’t want you around anymore.
KELLY: Mnmmnm nnmm nmmm nm, mnnmm!
[The whole class, except for Cartman bursts out into laughter.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit, you f*ckin’ bitch! Ah ain’t gonna take that kinda sh*t from some Power Puff Girl lookin’…uh…girl.
MR. GARRISON: Eric! What is the meaning of this outburst!? Mr. Hat was in the middle of an important lesson!
CARTMAN: (Pointing at Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Kelly.) Those assholes kicked me out of being their friend…
KYLE: Dammit, Cartman! You were never our friend!
CARTMAN: …And now they’re all, like, “You…you can’t come in here when Ah’m screwin’ the neighborhood dogs and wearin' mah maid’s outfit while singin’ the score from the ‘HMS Pinafore!’”
[There is an awkward silence.]
MR. GARRISON: Eric, just what the Hell are you talking about!?
CARTMAN: Ah’m just sayin’ they’re a bunch of bitches is all.
MR. GARRISON: Eric, shut your fat mouth.
CARTMAN: Ay!
[Int. view, South Park Elementary cafeteria. Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Kelly are just going to sit down while Cartman is still standing in line next to Pip and Terrance (Mephesto’s son).]
PIP: Cheerio, Eric! I was wondering…
CARTMAN: Shut up, Pip!
PIP: Righto. But, first, I was wondering why you aren’t with your chums?
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.) Well, Ah am not sitting with them because Ah feel that they were in need of their personal space. (Yelling.) Why the Hell do you give a sh*t, Pip!?
PIP: Well, I was thinking that if your friends aren’t your friends anymore that perhaps we might become chums?
CARTMAN: Why, Pip, that is the most touching and deeply meaningful expression of friendship anyone has ever shown me.
[Cartman bursts out into laughter.]
CARTMAN: (Laughing.) That is so f*ckin’ lame! Bwahahahahahahahahaha! You heli-suck, Pip!
TERRANCE: Then you don’t miss your friends, fatty?
CARTMAN: Hell no, I don’t miss them. And Ah’m not fat; Ah’m perfectly portly!
TERRANCE: What if I were to tell you that I knew how you could get friends who would never make fun of you and who would do everything you say?
CARTMAN: Ah’d say that sounds pretty sweet to me.
TERRANCE: Come to my father’s lab tonight. We’ll take care of everything.
CARTMAN: Kick ass!
[Cut back to Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Kelly.]
STAN: I’m not sure we should have been so hard on Cartman, you guys.
KYLE: Why not?
STAN: I don’t know. It’s just that we’ve known Cartman all our lives and it doesn’t seem right just kicking him out all of a sudden.
KENNY: Mnmm mmnnmmm mmnm mmnmm mnm mmn mnmnmmm nmmm nmm, nmm nmmnmmnmm mmm mnnmmm nmmm nm; mmnmmnmm mnmm nmm nmmnnnmm.
KYLE: Totally.
STAN: Good point, Kenny.
[A tentacle suddenly springs out from Kelly’s back.]
STAN: What the Hell is that!?
KELLY: Mnmnn?
KYLE: Dude! There’s a tentacle sticking out of your back, Kelly!
STAN: Uh…I don’t think I’m hungry anymore.
[Ext. view, South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch. Lightning flashes ominously in the background. There are sounds of wolves howling.]
[Int. view, Mephesto’s lab. There are assorted chemicals in tubes and test tubes all over the place. Of course, there are also four-assed monkeys. Mephesto is working at a microscope. Terrance and Cartman enter.]
TERRANCE: Father, this is Eric Cartman.
MEPHESTO: Ah, yes, the boy who wanted a pig-elephant and whose mother has a penis. What can I do for you, Master Cartman?
TERRANCE: He’s “volunteering” for your continued research, Father.
MEPHESTO: He wants four asses?
[Cartman puts his hands behind his back.]
CARTMAN: Hell, no! This suck-ass here said that you could help me get some friends that wouldn’t call me fat and stuff!
MEPHESTO: You don’t have any friends of your own?
CARTMAN: Those assholes kicked me out and let Kenny’s bitch, Kelly, in.
[Int. view, Stan’s living room. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Kelly are all sitting on the couch, watching Fat Abbot.]
FAT ABBOT: (On TV.) Hey hey hey! Ah gots me a whole case of Colt .45! Who wants some?
RUDY: (On TV.) Man, Fat Abbot, you so fat you look like you ate 45 colts!
FAT ABBOT: (On TV.) Shut up, bitch!
[Shot of the kids on the couch. They’re all laughing. Kelly’s neck suddenly elongates so that she is about three times as tall as the rest of the kids.]
KYLE: Uh…
[Int. view, Mephesto’s lab.]
MEPHESTO: What were those names you said?
CARTMAN: What’re you, f*ckin’ retarded or somethin’!? Ah said “Kenny” and “Kelly.”
MEPHESTO: Kenny McCormick?
CARTMAN: Yeah, so!?
MEPHESTO: Oh, crap. I was so deliciously worried that this might happen.
CARTMAN: What?
MEPHESTO: Well, you see, I took some blood samples from your friend, Kenny
CARTMAN: Where the Hell did you get some of Kenny’s blood!?
MEPHESTO: Christ, boy! It’s all over the town! Anyway, I took some samples of his blood and created a clone of him that is nearly genetically identical except that I modified the DNA to be that of a female. I called this clone Kelly but she disappeared recently. I’m afraid I haven’t yet perfected the cloning process and she may still be mutating.
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.) Oh, well, nice job, Einstein!
[Cut back to Stan’s living room. The kids are still sitting on the couch, watching TV. Kelly suddenly sprouts a lobster claw from one side of her head.]
STAN: (To Kyle.) Dude, this is pretty f*cked up right here.
KYLE: Yep.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Int. view, Mephesto’s lab.]
CARTMAN: So, what you’re sayin’ is that Kelly is really Kenny?
MEPHESTO: In a way, yes.
CARTMAN: Goddamn, this town is f*cked up.
MEPHESTO: Now, then, would you like for me to make those friends for you now?
CARTMAN: Yeah, whatever.
[Mephesto pulls a syringe out of his shirt pocket and sticks Cartman with it.]
CARTMAN: Ay! What the Hell was that for!?
MEPHESTO: I need a little bit of your blood to make your new friends.
[Mephesto puts equal amounts of the blood into three test tubes.]
CARTMAN: Is this gonna take long?
MEPHESTO: Oh, it’ll take about ten minutes or so. Here, why don’t you play with this?
[Mephesto gives Cartman a paddleball. Cartman starts playing with it.]
CARTMAN: One…two…three…four…uh, the number after four…
[The rubber band breaks and the ball goes flying off.]
CARTMAN: Goddamn, this is weak.
[Ext. view, Stan’s house.]
STAN: OK, Kelly, this was funny at first but now it’s gotten out of hand.
[Int. view, Stan’s living room. Stan and Kyle are standing on the floor now. Kenny and Kelly are still on the couch. Kelly now has a stegosaurus tail and a beaver’s head for a hand.]
KYLE: Kelly, are you okay?
KELLY: Mnmmm mmnmm nnm.
KYLE: If you say so.
STAN: What the Hell are we supposed to do now!?
KYLE: Well, you could ask the Lord for guidance.
STAN: (Sarcastically.) Oh, yeah. That’s always worked before.
KYLE: Well, ex-f*cking-scuse me, Ann Landers! I’m not the one with a freak girl that could wreck my house at any moment!
STAN: All right, all right. We’ve got to think here. What would Bobcat Goldthwait do?
KYLE: What would Bobcat Goldthwait do?
[The phone rings. Stan picks it up.]
STAN: Hello?
[The view goes to split-screen with Stan on one end and Bobcat Goldthwait on the other.]
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Is this Stan Marsh?
STAN: Yes.
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Stan, this is Bobcat Goldthwait. I heard that you were in need of some advice.
STAN: Dude!
KYLE: Who is it?
STAN: It’s Bobcat Goldthwait!
KYLE: Really? Sweet!
STAN: How did you get my number, Dude?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Whenever I am needed, my network of secret agents sends me the phone number of the person that needs me via satellite.
STAN: Soooo, there’s some guy here in my house spying on us for you?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Pretty much.
[Shot of a man in black hiding behind Stan’s couch.]
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: So what is that you need, Stan?
STAN: Well, my friend Kenny’s girlfriend keeps mutating and we don’t know what to do. If she keeps this up, she might get too big for my house and trash the whole place on accident. What would you do?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Well, what I would do is I would just take her outside.
STAN: That’s it!?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, that way if she gets too big, she won’t tear apart your house.
STAN: Oooh. Thanks, Bobcat!
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: No problem, Stan. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m getting a message from one of my agents in Zimbabwe.
STAN: OK. Hey, wait a second!
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: What?
[Kyle grabs the phone.]
KYLE: Mr. Goldthwait, I’ve got a question.
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: OK, but make it quick.
KYLE: What was the deal with that sh*tty “Shakes the Clown” movie?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Hey, kid?
KYLE: What?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: F*ck you.
[Bobcat Goldthwait slams down the phone.]
KYLE: Man, what a dick!
STAN: OK, listen; we have to get Kelly outside.
KYLE: Right. How are we going to do that?
STAN: How the Hell should I know?
KYLE: Wait! I’ve got it! Kenny, get your ass outside right now!
KENNY: Mnmmnmm nnmm nmmnmmn nmm, nmmnm mnmm nnmm!
STAN: How would you do that with a watermelon?
KYLE: Kenny, we need for you and Kelly to go outside so she does get even weirder and makes Stan’s house look like yours.
STAN: Totally.
KENNY: Mnmm.
[Kenny takes Kelly’s non-beaver hand and takes her outside.]
STAN: So, what now?
KYLE: I don’t know.
[Ext. view, Stan’s house. Kenny and Kelly are in the front yard. Kelly has gotten noticeably larger. Stan and Kyle come out of the house.]
STAN: What the f*ck!?
KYLE: What happened to Kelly, Kenny?
KENNY: Mnmmnm nmm nmmm nmmmnmmn mnmmnm nmmnhnmn!
KYLE: Oh, well, that makes sense.
STAN: Totally, Dude.
[Int. view, Mephesto’s lab.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Where are mah new friends, you son-of-a-bitch!?
MEPHESTO: They’re lusciously ready! Come on in, boys!
[Cut to a shot of Cartman’s face. His eyes go wide and his mouth drops open.]
CARTMAN: What the…
MEPHESTO: I’ve finally perfected the art of human cloning! Behold my greatest works yet!
[Shot of Cartman’s three new friends. They all look exactly like Cartman except that they are dressed like Stan, Kyle, and Kenny, respectively.]
CARTMAN: Wow! They sure are handsome!
CARTMAN/STAN: Shut the Hell up, you fat f*ck!
CARTMAN/KYLE: Yeah, Cartman, you eat so many Cheesy Poofs that even if you owned stock in the company you’d still be losing money from buying so many!
CARTMAN/KENNY: Mnmmnm mnmm nmmnm, mnmnmnmn!
CARTMAN: Goddammit! You sons-of-bitches are supposed ta be mah friends, dammit!
CARTMAN/STAN: Why the Hell would we want to be your friends!?
CARTMAN/KYLE: Come on, guys. This place sucks ass!
[Cartman’s “friends” leave.]
MEPHESTO: Well, what do you think?
CARTMAN: What do Ah think? What do Ah think!? Ah’ll f*ckin’ tell ya what Ah f*ckin’ think, you Goddamn ass f*ckin’ piece of donkey sh*t! You have done nothin’ but screw me over tahm and tahm again! First you wanna to do crazy sh*t to mah Fluffy, then ya want $3,000 just to tell me mah mom is mah dad! Now ya go and make three of me that treat me like as much sh*t as mah old friends did! Ah’ll tell what Ah think! Ah’m gonna f*ckin’ kill you!
[Cartman tackles Mephesto and starts beating the Hell out of him.]
[Ext. view, Stan’s house. The kids are still in the front yard. Kelly now has feathers all over her body. Her head remains the same.]
STAN: (To Kyle.) This isn’t cool.
KYLE: Yeah. But how are we supposed to tell Kenny there’s something wrong with his girlfriend?
STAN: We’ve got to be subtle. Kenny is our friend and we don’t want to hurt his feelings.
KYLE: Yeah. I mean, it’s not like he’s Cartman.
STAN: Right.
[Stan and Kyle walk over to Kenny.]
STAN: Kenny, we need to talk to you about Kelly.
KYLE: It’s not that we don’t like her but she’s…uh…well…she…she’s got this…um…
[The three Cartman clones walk in.]
CARTMAN/STAN: Goddamn! Look at the freak!
CARTMAN/KYLE: Dude! I hope she doesn’t touch me!
CARTMAN/KENNY: Mnmmnmm nmnmn nnnmmnn mmmmnm nmmm nnm mmmmnmnmm nmnm, nmnmmn, mnmnm, nmmmnmnmm, mmnmmmn, mnmnmnmmn!
[The three Cartmans laugh.]
STAN: Yeah. That’s pretty much it, Kenny.
KYLE: Yeah, sorry.
[Kenny looks at Stan and Kyle, then at Kelly. He goes back and forth for a while. Finally, he shakes his head and walks over to Kelly.]
STAN: Dude, I never thought Kenny would leave us for a girl.
KYLE: Yeah, I thought for sure he’d die first.
[Cartman enters with a bandoleer of syringes strapped to his chest.]
CARTMAN: There you are, you sons-of-bitches!
STAN: Cartman!?
CARTMAN: Not now, Stan. Ah’m talkin’ to them.
[Cartman points at his clones.]
CARTMAN/KYLE: Jesus Christ, Cartman! How f*cking pathetic are you!? Can’t you not follow us around!?
CARTMAN/STAN: Yeah, Cartman! We don’t want your fat ass hanging around with us!
CARTMAN: Eeeeeeeeee! Goddammit! Ah am not fat you fat slug rapin’, ass-rammin’, Spice Girl lovin’ freaks of science! DAH!
[Cartman pulls three syringes out of his bandoleer and charges the clones.]
CARTMAN/STAN: Well, at least he’s running at us.
CARTMAN/KYLE: Yeah, we’ll still be able to outrun him.
[The clones try to run away. They’re even slower than Cartman.]
CARTMAN/KYLE: What the!?
CARTMAN: Dah, you freak!
[He sticks Cartman/Kenny with a syringe and injects him. Cartman/Kenny turns into a puddle of protoplasm on Stan’s lawn.]
STAN: Oh, my God! He killed…uh…he killed something that looked like Kenny!
KYLE: So?
STAN: I don’t know.
CARTMAN/STAN: All right, fat-ass! Bring it on!
[Cartman/Stan takes a swing at Cartman. Cartman dodges out of the way and sticks Cartman/Stan in the arm with another syringe and injects him. Cartman/Stan is reduced to a puddle of protoplasm.]
CARTMAN: It looks like it’s just the two of us now, bitch!
CARTMAN/KYLE: Y-you can’t kill me!
CARTMAN: And why not?
CARTMAN/KYLE: Because, like it or not, I’m part of you. The part of you that doesn’t like the way you are. You can’t just ignore me or try to kill me somehow; you’ve got to accept me for what I am.
CARTMAN: You’re…*sniff*…you’re right. Come here, friend!
[Cartman/Kyle comes over to Cartman.]
CARTMAN: No hard feelin’s. Gimme a hug.
[Cartman/Kyle hugs Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Sucker!!
CARTMAN/KYLE: What!?
[Cartman sticks Cartman/Kyle in the back with a syringe and injects him. Cartman/Kyle becomes a puddle of protoplasm.]
CARTMAN: Well, Ah guess Ah don’t need these anymore!
[He takes the last two syringes off his bandoleer and tosses them over his shoulder. One of the syringes sticks into Kelly and gets injected into her. She turns into a puddle of protoplasm. The other syringe hits Kenny and injects him. At first, nothing happens. Then, Kenny turns into a small fish. He starts flopping around in the yard.]
STAN: Jesus, Cartman! What was that stuff!?
CARTMAN: The only thing that can undo the cloning process, Stan.
KYLE: And that would be?
CARTMAN: Jell-O pudding, duh!
STAN: We’re sorry we treated you so bad, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Really? You guys mean it?
KYLE: No.
[Stan hits Kyle.]
KYLE: I mean, yes.
CARTMAN: Ah love you guys.
STAN: We’re not that sorry, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Fahn! Then screw you guys!
KYLE: Hey! Isn’t almost time for Terrance and Phillip?
STAN: Hey, yeah! Let’s go inside and watch it! Are you coming, Cartman?
CARTMAN: Hell yeah, Ah’m comin’!
[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman all go inside. As Cartman is walking up to Stan’s house, he steps on Kenny and squishes him.]
CARTMAN: Oops.
[Cartman wipes his feet on the door mat before going into the house, smearing Kenny all over the door mat. Kenny’s eyes dangle over the step. A bird flies in and eats them.]
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are there.]
STAN: Man, that was weird last night.
CARTMAN: What?
STAN: You know, how Terrance and Phillip decided not to be friends anymore so Terrance had Ugly Bob make a clone of Terrance that was dressed like Phillip but it treated Terrance the same way that Phillip treated Terrance so Terrance had to kill it by injecting it with Jell-O pudding and turned it into protoplasm and then Terrance and Phillip were friends again?
KYLE: Uh, Stan? That didn’t happen on Terrance and Phillip last night.
STAN: It didn’t!?
KYLE: No, that was last week, remember?
STAN: Oh, yeah.
CARTMAN: Hey, you guys, let’s never fight again, seriously.
KYLE: Cartman, we wouldn’t ever fight if it wasn’t for you anyway, you fat, sweaty Mongoloid!
STAN: Yeah, Cartman! We’d all get along just fine if you weren’t such a retard!
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah am tryin’ to make peace hya and you two assholes are f*ckin’ everything up! F*ck both of you! You go to Hell!
[The bus pulls up to the stop.]
STAN: It’s about f*ckin’ time.
[Stan and Kyle get on the bus. Cartman stays behind. We hear Stan and Kyle scream followed by them running off the bus and out of the scene.]
CARTMAN: What?
[Cartman gets on the bus.]
CARTMAN: Hmm. Somethin’s not right hya…
[Cartman looks around the bus. Everyone on the bus is a clone of Cartman dressed as someone else.]
CARTMAN/MISS CRABTREE: Sit down, fat ass! We’re running late! Ahhhhhh!
CARTMAN: Son-of-a-bitch!
[End.]
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