ANDREW CAMERON FARTBEASTS
Sick but funny. Mail him at tags@thepjs.freeserve.co.uk.
[Cartman's Bathroom]
Cartman is having a bath, playing with rubber duck, etc...
CARTMAN (singing): ....big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide--
Cartman farts
CARTMAN: Goddammit!!!
Cartman sees a spider on the wall. He looks at the spider. It looks back.
CARTMAN: MOM!!!!! Come and kick some spider ass NOW!!!!!!!!!
MRS. CARTMAN: Just coming hon!
Mrs. Cartman enters the bathroom
MRS. CARTMAN: Now where was this spider, dear?
CARTMAN (pointing): Over there
MOM (starts screaming) get it NOW mom get
it NOW!!!!!!!!
Mrs. Cartman kills the spider and drops it's body into the loo.
MRS. CARTMAN: Mommy's just going to have a wee-wee Eric.
Mrs. Cartman pulls down her skirt and proceeds to urinate whilst standing up.
CARTMAN: Mom, that sick!
Cartman farts
CARTMAN: GODDAMMIT!!!!
[Kyle's House]
SHEILA: Come on, Bubala, bath time!
KYLE: But, Mom, having a bath sucks ass!!!
SHEILA: KYLE! You will do as I tell you! Now get a move on up to that bathroom!
KYLE (walking away): Yeah, right, and you can kiss my....
Kyle farts. Kyle laughs.
[Kenny's House]
KENNY'S DAD: We thank you, oh Lord, for this can of beans which you have bestowed upon us, although, we really could do with some more food, and we ARE starving, and the benefits aren't enough, so please, Lord, we could really use some help right now. Amen.
EVERYONE: Amen.
Kenny's Mom spoons out the beans, one spoonful each.
Kenny farts. Kenny farts again. Kenny laughs.
[Stan's House]
STAN: Oh dude, homework sure does suck!
SHELLY: Just do it, okay?
STAN: Shut up bitch!
SHELLY: What did you say?
STAN: Er, I said, um....
SHELLY: Right. I'm gonna--
Stan farts. Stan laughs.
SHELLY: That's disgushting!
[Cartman's House]
The kids are all sitting on the couch, watching TV.
Terrance and Philip can be heard on TV. The kids are silent, watching it.
ANNOUNDER: But now, kids, for the introduction of a new Terrance and Phillip feature.
Kids are eating cheesy poofs. Cartman has two bags.
ANNOUNCER: Can YOU fart?
CARTMAN: I can fart! I can fart!
ANNOUNCER: Well, if you can fart as well as and BETTER than Terrance AND Phillip, then you could be our winner of a year's supply of Cheesy Poofs, and appear on the show with Terrance and Phillip!
STAN: Sweet dude! Be on TV with Terrance and Philip!
KYLE: KICK ASS!!!
KENNY: {But you have to fart your guts out first.}
CARTMAN: No, Kenny, it comes naturally to me.
KYLE: No it doesn't, fat ass, you fart because you're fat and you eat too many snacky cakes!
CARTMAN: I'm not fat, I'm just a nice person, making you think you're thin!
KYLE: Cartman, I AM thin, I eat lots too, aaaaaand, I can fart better than you, too!!!
STAN: So if you eat lots, then you fart lots, right?
CARTMAN: Then that must mean Kenny never farts, he can't afford to eat!
[Laughter]
Cartman: Hey, Kenny! Do frozen waffles make you fart, Kenny? KENNY!! I said, do--
Kenny gets up and does a karate kick on Cartman.
STAN: Kenny, how did you do that dude?
KENNY: {I learned it from my Grandad.}
KYLE: Sweet! Can your Grandad teach US to do that, too?
STAN: Dude, I don't think we want to visit Kenny's family, do we?
Kenny looks at Stan.
STAN: I, I mean, er...
KYLE: Oh yeah, we wouldn't want to bother your family, you've been nice enough, with all that lovely, er...
CARTMAN (just recovering): Yes, Pip, I WILL be kicking you in the nuts....now, now where am I?
KYLE: Kenny just kicked your fat ass!!!
CARTMAN: Ay! Kenny, you son of a--
Kenny does the karate move on Cartman again.
CARTMAN (on the ground): Oh, weak.
[Mr Garrison's Classroom]
MR. GARRISON: And now, children, let's talk about creating fake nude celebrity photographs.
KYLE (whispering): Hey Stan! You ready?
STAN (whispering): For what?
KYLE: Escaping class to go to the Terrance and Philip farting auditions.
STAN: Oh yeah. Hell, that was contrived.
MR. GARRISON: Is there a problem, children?
STAN: No, Mr. Garrison, we were just discussing a, er, a....
KYLE: Fake nude celebrity picture of Monica Lewinsky!
STAN: Oh, sick, dude!
MR. GARRISON: No, Stan, that's wonderful idea Kyle! I should have some fresh pictures of Monica in here somewhere.
Mr. Garrison searches in his desk drawer, while Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Cartman sneak out.
MR. GARRISON: Ah, here it is!
Mr Garrison is holding a video tape called "EVIDENCE". He notices that the children are gone.
MR. GARRISON: Oh, damn, not again!
[Audtion Room]
Lots of farting noises and a visible stench in the room.
DIRECTOR: That's great! Great! Can you do that standing to the left?
Farting noise.
DIRECTOR: GREAT!
[The middle of a long line]
STAN: Whoa, dude! It sure stinks in here.
CARTMAN: Yeah, if these pieces of crap don't stop farting, I'm gonna have to kick them in the nuts!
The guy in front of Cartman farts in his face.
Kyle, Kenny and Stan laugh.
CARTMAN: AY!
STAN: Well, Cartman, what have you eaten to be able to fart?
CARTMAN: Nothing, I told you, farting comes naturally to me, especially when Cheesy Poofs are involved.
KYLE: Cartman, you'd NEVER get this far through the day without eating anything!
CARTMAN: Well obviously, I ate SOMETHING, but--
[HUGE fart noise from the front of the line]
STAN: Whoa, dude! That was, like, the biggest fart ever!
CARTMAN: I bet I can do better than that!
KYLE: Yeah, so could I, easy!
The children are now near the front of the line.
STAN: Look! We're getting there!
CARTMAN: Yes, I can almost taste the success.
The guy in front of them farts and Kenny gets blown back by it. He hits a wall, head first, and his head splits into two.
STAN: Oh my, God! They've killed Kenny!
CARTMAN: You bastards!
KYLE: Hey, fat ass, that's my line!
CARTMAN: What?
DIRECTOR: Next!
STAN: That's me, dude!
Stan goes up on the stage and starts groaning. He manages a squeek. Everyone laughs.
CARTMAN: That was sooooo pathetic.
Stan is now down from the stage.
STAN: Let's see you do better, then!
Cartman gets up on stage. He moans. He groans. Camera moves to shot of mountains and rabbits, and the sound of Cartman's fart echoing all around. The rabbits run away.
[Back to the audition room]
Complete silence. Long pause.
DIRECTOR: The winner!
Cheering and clapping.
CARTMAN: Sweet!
[Mephesto's Lab]
MEPHESTO: Soon, my creation will be ready to unveil to the world! With this creature, work will be a thing of the past! It will mimick anything it sees, and then! Oh, then, life will be so much easier. Oh. Why am I telling you this, Kevin?
Kevin looks blankly at Mephesto.
[The set of Terrance and Phillip]
Terrance and Phillip are in front of the couch.
PHILLIP: Hey, Terrance.
TERRANCE: What, Phillip?
Phillip farts. They both laugh. Cartman appears and sits down on the couch. Terrance farts.
CARTMAN: GODDAMMIT, WILL YOU STOP FARTING!!!!!!!!
DIRECTOR: Cut!
TERRANCE: What? Was that not loud enough?
DIRECTOR: No, no, it was great! It's HIM [points at Cartman] that I'm complaining aboot!
CARTMAN: Ay! That son-of-a-bitch farted in my face!
DIRECTOR: I know he did, that's the whole point of this show, kid. Have you never seen it before?
CARTMAN: Of course I've seen Terrance and Phillip before, I just don't want to be farted on!
DIRECTOR: Oh. Well, that's just tough kid, you won the stupid competition, oh, and one more thing - don't insult the stars of the show! From the top! In 3-2...
CARTMAN: Oh, weak.
[Bus Stop]
STAN: Dude, Cartman was so lucky getting to be on Terrance and Philip.
KYLE: No way! He'll get farted on all the time!
STAN: Oh.
KYLE: Yeah, he'll come back smelling like a fart!
[They laugh]
Chef pulls up in his car
CHEF: Hello children.
STAN AND KYLE: Hey Chef.
CHEF: How's it going?
STAN: Bad.
CHEF: Why bad?
STAN: Well, Cartman won the Terrance and Phillip contest.
CHEF: Why's that bad for you?
STAN: Well, he'll come back smelling like a fart.
CHEF: Oh. Er...well, see you in school.
STAN AND KYLE: Bye Chef.
Chef drives away.
STAN: Well, that was short.
MR. MACKEY appears.
KYLE: Mr. Mackey? What are you doing here?
Mr. MACKEY: I'm glad I found you boys, mmkay? Do you know where Eric is? I need to find him, that genetic engineer guy said that there's a bunch of mad farting mimicking creatures loose in South Park, mmkay?
STAN: Whoa, dude!
KYLE: Yeah, that's pretty heavy! How did THAT happen?
MR. MACKEY: Well, they mimick what they see, mmkay? And the first thing they saw was Terrance and Phillip, and they made their escape by flatulating.
Stan and Kyle look shocked.
STAN So, why do YOU want to find CARTMAN?
MR. MACKEY: Because, boys, he
holds the answer to why, why we should all just calm down and not
fart, mmkay? My fart counseling training would be a benefit
to the town, and combined with Eric's knowledge, we might just
have a chance! We are the only ones who can save South Park
from these creatures, the only ones who can stop their awesome
force, overpower them and come through victorious!
Stan and Kyle look blank.
MR. MACKEY: Basically, Eric's the expert on farting, mmkay?
[Terrance and Phillip set]
CARTMAN: I'm telling you guys, stop farting in my face already!
SOME GUY: Telephone call for Eric Fatass Cartman!
CARTMAN: AY!
Cartman is handed the phone.
CARTMAN: Hello?
STAN: Dude, Mr. Mackey's looking for you, South Park is in trouble, and only you and your big fat ass can save us!
CARTMAN: Yeah, very funny Stan, now go away, a star is being made here!
STAN: No, I'm serious, it's another one of Mephesto's creations, running amock!
CARTMAN: Stan, you have to stop being so jealous, and learn to cope with the fact that I'm the one with the talent, and that you're just a suck-ass-piece-of-crap-loser!
STAN: Suit yourself, dude, for now, but we're coming to get you. For once, we actually need your help!
CARTMAN: Oh yeah? I'd like to see you--
Cartman is grabbed by several men and dragged off.
[Mephesto's Lab]
Cartman appears.
MEPHESTO: So, you made it.
CARTMAN: Eh? What the hell is going on here? I'm trying to make a television programme goddammit!
MEPHESTO: That doesn't matter, South Park is in danger from farting-mad beasts, and we know that you can stop them with your lard-ass.
CARTMAN: AY!
STAN: Yeah Cartman, we believe in you!
KYLE: Yeah, come on dude, you could fart for Colorado! Dammit, you could fart for--
CARTMAN: Alright, alright, I'll save the town. It's at times like these I just don't feel appreciated enough.
[On the streets of South Park]
People are running from their homes, while farting noises go on inside.
CARTMAN: Oh man, that stinks!
KYLE: Hey, this is kinda funny, really?
STAN: Yeah.
Two of the mad mimicking creatures appear behind Stan and Kyle. Cartman farts, killing the creatures.
STAN: Whoa, what was that?
KYLE: I think Cartman's fart was powerful enough to kill those things!
STAN: Cool, so all you have to do now Cartman, is fart on every one of those creatures and you'll be the hero!
CARTMAN: If you think I'm going to fart enough to kill a generation of fart-beasts, then you can kiss my ass!
KYLE: I'll kick you f**king fatass and break both of your f**king legs if you don't!
STAN: Yeah dude, we NEED you!
[Elsewhere on the streets]
Jimbo and Ned have guns, and are hiding under some sandbags.
JIMBO: OK, Ned. I'll go out there now, and then, when I give the signal, you come out as backup!
NED: MmmmJust like the old daysmmmm.
JIMBO: Yup, ol' buddy! OK, I'm ready!
NED: MmmmGo go gommmm!
Jimbo throws on a gas mask, and runs out, firing wildy. He hits several innocent passers-by, then gives the signal to Ned. Ned runs out.
NED: MmmmDiemmmm!
[The Mayor's stand]
MAYOR: There's noting to worry about, people! Just calm down, everything's being taken care of!
STAN: Hey, you guys, look! The big megaphone there! If Cartman farts enough into that, then it'll be broadcast all over South Park!
CARTMAN: Stan, I know we're only eight years old, but if you think I'm doing something as immature as farting into a megaphone at a time like this, then I'm gonna kick you in the--
Stan kicks Cartman in the nuts. Cartman dances around in pain, while Kyle and Stan laugh.
CARTMAN: You son of a bitch! I'll kill you!
Cartman chases Stan and Stan runs up to the megaphone.
STAN: Up here, fatass!
Cartman runs after Stan, as fast as he can. Stan waits for Cartman.
CARTMAN: OK, that's it. I'm gonna kill you now Stan, no excuses this time. This...is...
Cartman drops with exhaustion.
KYLE: Cartman's dead! What are you gonna do now?
STAN: He's not dead, he's just tired. Maybe nature will take it's course.
Cartman's body lets rip an ENORMOUS fart, which goes into the megaphone and kills all of the creatures in South Park.
TOWNSPEOPLE: YAY!!!!
STAN: Dude! Cartman saved the day!
KYLE: Yeah, and he didn't even have to move.
STAN: And you know? I think I've learned something today.
All the townspeople gather around the podium, and makes his speech into the megaphone.
STAN: It doesn't matter if someone doesn't have faith in themselves. If someone has enough faith in them, then that's all that's needed to bring out the creative and helpful energy that can, ultimately, make the difference between life and death.
KYLE: That's beautiful dude.
MAYOR: And I'd like to invite all you wonderful kids to a celebratory dinner tonight, to celebrate the saving of South Park!!
Cartman recovers.
CARTMAN: Dinner? Kick ass!!
[Celebratory Dinner]
Kyle, Stan and Cartman are sitting at a long table eating.
CARTMAN: This sucks! The other nine courses were nice, but this one tastes like ass!
KYLE: Of course it tastes like ass! It's rump steak!
CARTMAN: Rump steak?? You mean I'm eating ass right now??
KYLE: That's about the size of it.
Stan extends his arms to full length.
STAN: No dude, THIS is about the size of it!
CARTMAN: AY!
There is the meow sound of a cat. Cartman looks under the table. Kitty is there.
CARTMAN: No Kitty, this is my--actually, you can have my ass Kitty.
Cartman throws Kitty the rump steak.
CARTMAN: Well, today sure was satisfying.
STAN: Yeah, we saved the town, AND got a huge meal!
Cartman farts. Kitty runs out from under the table.
CARTMAN: GODDAMMIT!!!!!
Kyle and Stan laugh.
[End.]
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