MARTIN HAZELBOWER THE
BIG GAY WAR
I hope no-one's offended by this story (gays and animals don't mix well in a South Park cartoon) I just thought it was funny. Go ahead, read it!
"No gay people, gay water buffaloes, or double amputees were harmed during the filming of this episode." We see "Special Guest Voice: Bob Villa" during the titles.
Black screen. Caption: Many
events in the following episode take place in Big Gay Al's Big
Gay Animal Sanctuary. However, in the end of the tale of
"Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride," Big Gay Al moved away
to help gay animals elsewhere. The day after, the gay animals of
South Park were again thrown out by the homophobic residents of
the town, except for Stan Marsh's dog Sparky. Big Gay Al returned
to the town to see how it was doing three days later; he was
horrified by the astonishing amount of big gay animals living in
gutters and moved back immediately to build a new gay animal
sanctuary and take them in. The moral of this story: "The
more things change, the more they stay the same.'
The caption fades, to be replaced by a new one.
Caption: Or maybe, 'The people of South Park are bastards.'
Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. Festive music; balloons and banners are everywhere. One banner says "Happy Birthday Big Gay Al!." Al is sitting on a table with wrapped presents all over it. A big gay dog pushes a present towards him.
AL: For me?
He opens the present and takes some pants out.
AL: Wow, lavender coloured leather pants! Just what I always wanted! Who's next?
A big gay water buffalo pushes a present towards him. He opens it and takes some pants out.
AL: Wow, salmon coloured leather pants! Just what I always wanted!
A big gay lion pushes a present towards him. He opens it and takes some pants out.
AL: Wow, platinum coloured leather pants! Just what I always wanted!
Quick shot of black screen. Caption and voice over : Four Hours Later.
The same scene. AL is waist-deep in wrapping paper. He opens another present and takes some pants out.
AL: Wow, saffron coloured leather pants! Just what I always wanted! Only one more present...
Two cats sit on the table, by the only remaining present.
CAT NO. 1: Meow meow meow meow.
Caption: God dammit.
CAT NO. 2: Meow meow, meow meow meow.
Caption: Hey, I said we should get him a leather top.
Outside the animal sanctuary. The kids walk up.
CARTMAN: What the hell is this? You said we were going to the World's Fair.
KYLE: Um, this is where they're holding it this year.
On the sign saying "Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary." Zoom in on the word "Gay."
CARTMAN (O.S.): So why is it so gay?
On the kids again.
STAN: It's gay like "playful' and "sporting."
CARTMAN: Oh, I thought it was queer.
KYLE: No, no.
KENNY: (Are there any lesbians?)
STAN: Any what?
STAN rings the doorbell. AL opens the door.
STAN & KYLE: Happy birthday Big Gay Al!
CARTMAN: Who the hell is this?
KENNY: (I wonder if there's any big gay pot around.)
KENNY pushes past AL into the sanctuary.
AL: What a great surprise! I'm speechless, little buddies!
CARTMAN: Hey, this isn't the World's Fair!
STAN (whispering to AL): We had to give him a story so he'd come.
AL nods.
AL: And who's your friend, Stan?
KYLE: I'm Kyle.
AL: That's so totally super! I can see we'll get along great.
STAN: How's your birthday coming?
AL: I've gotten some great gifts, and we have a big gay angel's food cake.
STAN: We got you a present too. We thought, what can you get the gay man who has everything?
AL: I'm sure anything will be great.
STAN: Magenta coloured leather pants!
STAN holds up the magenta coloured leather pants.
AL: But I already have nine pairs of mageta coloured leather pants.
STAN: Well, we can exchange them for something.
AL: Oh, no worries kiddo. I'll just dye them puce.
CARTMAN: What the hell is puce?
AL: Are you gay?
CARTMAN: No.
AL: You wouldn't understand.
CARTMAN: You're gay?
AL: Sure am, little buddy.
CARTMAN turns on STAN and KYLE.
CARTMAN: You sons of bitches! You're screwing with me! I hate gay people!
STAN: Shut up Cartman.
AL: Maybe you should visit my big gay boat ride. You would learn about gayness.
CARTMAN: I don't wanna learn about gayness!
AL: You'll thank me later.
AL drags CARTMAN through the door to the boat ride, then comes back a second later and snaps a padlock on the door. The door shakes.
CARTMAN (O.S.): Let me outa here!
The "We're all gay" music starts to play.
CARTMAN (O.S.) Dammit! Dammit dammit dammit... hey wait a second, this isn't so bad.
AL: There. That should hold him for a while. Who wants cake?
KENNY wanders in.
KIDS: Me!
AL: Right this way.
They all walk off, following AL.
The room where AL got his presents. A birthday cake is on the table. AL and the kids enter.
AL: Guys! Cake!
The big gay
animals gather around the cake. A monkey with a lighter lights the birthday
candles. The animals start to sing "Happy Birthday to You" in moos, grunts etc.
Suddenly, a loud noise startles everyone. They rush to the window and look
outside. Some trucks are driving up to the sanctuary.
They park a few feet beside it.
AL: I'm going to see what's going on.
STAN: What the hell? Nobody even knows this place exists!
AL: This could be a threat to our big gay way of life.
AL leaves.
Outside, by the parked trucks. Workers are starting to fence off a big area. AL enters.
AL: What's going on?
WORKER: Just orders. We're surveying this lot.
AL: What for?
WORKER: That's classified. But it's covered under Building Act 421 / A.
AL: 421 / A?
WORKER: Yup.
AL: That's safe havens for homosexual animals on the run?
WORKER: Yup.
AL: Oh my god.
WORKER: What?
AL: Who... who's building this?
WORKER: Can't tell ya. You'll know soon enough; it's gonna be up tomorrow.
AL: Tomorrow?
WORKER: We pride ourself on fast work here.
AL: I can't cope! My animals and I need solitude!
WORKER: Nothin' I can do about it. And button that shirt up, it makes you look gay.
AL: I am gay.
WORKER: It's always those you least suspect, isn't it?
He goes back to work.
Inside the sanctuary again. AL enters.
AL: They're building another big gay animal sanctuary!
KYLE: What a drag.
STAN: Yeah. I think we have to go, you guys. I've got dinner, and there's a show on TV I want to watch.
KYLE: Nice to meet you, Big Gay Al.
AL: Super to meet you too, kiddo.
STAN: Hey, where's Cartman?
KYLE: He was on the boat ride.
AL: Oh no! I locked the homophobic little s*BLEEP*it in!
AL runs to a door in the wall and unlocks it. CARTMAN stumbles out.
CARTMAN (singing): We're all gay... and that's okay... cause gay means...
He collapses.
STAN: What the hell?
KYLE: Dude, I think he's gay!
STAN: Oh.
AL: Prolonged exposure to the music had been proven to cause gayness and insanity, but I didn't listen! Why? Why?
KYLE: Well, it's not as if it matters. Stupid Cartman.
STAN: Come on Cartman. We'll get you some help.
CARTMAN (weakly): Does anybody have any toasted cheese sandwiches?
STAN: He's got it bad.
AL: Well, bye kids. Sorry about your friend, this lifestyle isn't for everyone.
STAN: Bye, Big Gay Al.
The kids leave, dragging CARTMAN with them.
CAERMAN's house. The kids sit on the sofa watching TV. KITTY runs in and starts to lick CARTMAN's face.
CARTMAN (now speaking with a pronounced lisp): Heeheehee! Stop, stop, you're killing me!
KYLE: Okay Cartman, you can stop being gay now.
CARTMAN: Oh, don't be a meanie. I'm the same Eric I always was.
STAN: So why are you lisping?
CARTMAN: I am not lithping.
KYLE: It's on.
On the TV. It's "The Simpsons." BART is sitting on the sofa. HOMER walks into the room, smoking a pipe.
HOMER: Hey boy, how do you like my new pipe?
The pipe explodes, lighting HOMER's head on fire. He screams like Nancy Kerrigan.
BART: Check this out, Dad.
BART shoots him through the face with a pistol.
HOMER: D'oh!
He falls over.
BART: Ay caramba!
On the kids.
KYLE: This crap is so repetitive.
STAN: Check on HBC.
KYLE changes the channel.
On the TV again. TERRANCE and PHILIP sit on their couch as usual.
PHILIP: Terrance?
TERRANCE: Yes Philip?
PHILIP: I think I'm about to fart.
TERRANCE: Well, drink this first.
He takes a bottle from his pocket.
On the bottle. It reads 'Liquid Beans' on the label.
PHILIP: You know I can never turn down concentrated liquid beans.
He grabs the bottle and pours it into his mouth, then tosses it aside empty.
TERRANCE: Oh, this should be a sight.
PHILIP: Yes indeedy.
PHILIP farts. It's the most incredible fart he's ever done, sending him far up in the air on a cloud of brown like a fart powered rocket.
TERRANCE: You stained the couch brown, asshole!
They laugh for about fifteen seconds.
VOICE OVER: This Terrance and Philip was filmed in San Francisco.
On the kids.
STAN: San Francisco?
CARTMAN: My mom says... there's a lot of gay people in San Francisco.
KYLE: Like you?
CARTMAN (screaming): I'm not gay, silly billy!
MS. CARTMAN enters.
MS. CARTMAN: Would you boys like some Cheezy Poofs and Sugar Slop?
KYLE, STAN, KENNY: Yeah!
CARTMAN: None for me, thanks.
MS. CARTMAN: Are you feeling all right, Eric?
CARTMAN: I'm feeling so super, Mom! Do we have any Mountain Dew?
MS. CARTMAN: Mountain Dew? Eric, that's not like you.
STAN: He got locked in a boat ride for a few hours, and the music drove him gay.
MS. CARTMAN: My little pookie pie's gay?
KYLE: Pookie pie? What the hell does that mean?
MS. CARTMAN: Don't worry Eric! We'll do whatever we need to make you well!
She grabs CARTMAN and drags him out.
Outside the house. MS. CARTMAN throws CARTMAN into her car and zooms off. A sign reads "HOSPITAL" and points in the direction she drove.
In the house again.
KYLE: Dude, now we won't get Sugar Slop.
STAN: Is that a new flavor?
KYLE: I think there was always Sugar Slop and Choco Slop.
STAN: Oh.
At the bus stop. STAN, KYLE and KENNY stand there. The bus drives up and the door opens. The kids enter.
Inside the bus.
MS. CRABTREE: Sit down we're runnin' late!
KYLE: You've gained a lot of weight, you stupid ho.
KENNY: (You I really hate. It's goats you blow.)
MS.CRABTREE: What did you say?!
KYLE and KENNY: If we're running late, we'd better go.
MS. CRABTREE: Oh. My sentiments exactly.
KYLE and KENNY: Yes!
They exchange high-fives.
The classroom. GARRISON is droning on as usual.
GARRISON: Hold it. Where's that little fat monster Eric?
STAN: His mom took him to a hospital. She's trying to fix his gayness.
GARRISON: He's gay? Hmm, I'll never look at him the same way again.
STAN: You try to avoid looking at us anyway.
GARRISON: So?
CLYDE raises his hand.
GARRISON: Yes, Clyde?
CLYDE: Um, aren't you gay?
GARRISON: Mister, you are expelled.
CLYDE leaves, looking unconcerned.
GARRISON: I'm not gay! Gay people are bastards. They've committed virtually every unsolved crime in history, from the assassination of Ronald Reagan...
STAN: Didn't he die of terminal oldness or something?
GARRISON: So they've gotten to you too! They've committed every unsolved crime, from Reagan's assassination up to coating my computer keyboard with a milky substance and throwing an entrail of some sort against my door last night. Any questions?
STAN raises his hand.
GARRISON: Yes, Stan?
STAN: If cats always land on their feet, and buttered toast always lands butter side down, what would happen if you attached toast butter side up to a cat's back and threw it off your balcony?
GARRISON: Well Stan, conventional wisdom states that the cat would float.
STAN: Kickass!
KYLE: Doesn't Cartman have a cat?
STAN: Yeah, I think so.
KYLE: My brother always lands on his head, would the same principle apply?
GARRISON: I believe it would, yes.
KYLE: Kick the baby time tonight.
The bell rings. The kids walk out.
Outside. The kids are looking at a pink coloured building far off in the horizon.
STAN: What the hell is that?
KYLE: It's right by that gay place!
Zoom in on the building, and the sign on the door. It reads "Big Gay Mitch's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary."
End of Act 1.
The waiting room of Hell's Pass Hospital. CARTMAN and MS. CARTMAN sit there. CARTMAN is wearing a big gold hoop in his right ear.
MS. CARTMAN: Don't worry Eric, we'll have you cured in no time.
CARTMAN: Mama, listen to me. I'm straight as an arrow.
MS. CARTMAN: Nonsense! That evil big gay man turned you gay!
CARTMAN: Oh mom, I'm not gay.
He picks up a magazine from the table. It says "Crack Gigolo Magazine" on the cover. MS. CARTMAN snatches it from him and throws it across the room.
MS. CARTMAN: None of that!
CARTMAN: Gosh mom, you really don't need to...
MS. CARTMAN: Don't be difficult Eric!
CARTMAN: Well, I was just reading it for the articles.
A DOCTOR enters.
DOCTOR: Eric, I'm ready to see you now.
CARTMAN: Jeez... has everyone gone bonkers?
In AL's animal sanctuary. AL paces back and forth nervously.
AL: I've gotta go see him.
He goes out the door and walks over to the other sanctuary. The door opens silently, but nobody's behind it. AL enters. Inside, it's just a dark hallway. A loudspeaker set into the wall activates.
LOUDSPEAKER: Welcome to my world, Big Gay Al. I've been expecting you.
AL: Who is this?
LOUDSPEAKER: Oh, you know me.
AL: Where are you?
LOUDSPEAKER: Second door on the left, Al.
AL walks down the hall and enters a door. Inside, it's a huge office. A high backed chair sits behind a big desk; the chair faces toward the opposite wall so the occupant can't be seen.
AL: You can't just build your pet sanctuary here!
MAN IN THE CHAIR: I just did.
The MAN's voice sounds like AL's, but more high and lispy.
The chair swivels around. BIG GAY MITCH sits in it. He has the same face as AL, but he's wearing a white bathrobe and a bunch of flashy gold jewelry.
AL: Mitch?!
MITCH: That's right, little brother.
In the doctor's office. CARTMAN sits on the little bench while the doctor examines him.
DOCTOR: So Ms. Cartman, what seems to be the trouble here?
MS. CARTMAN: My little boy's gay!
DOCTOR: Um... you do know that the theory homosexuality was a disease was abandoned in the sixties, don't you?
MS. CARTMAN: Just cure him, you bastard!
DOCTOR: Well, if you're sure.
CARTMAN: But Mom...
MS. CARTMAN: Try not to talk, my brave little soldier.
CARTMAN: Darn it!
DOCTOR: Now according to my clipboard, you have a medically authenticated addiction to Cheezy Poofs, Snacky Cakes, Happy Tarts, Veal Rollups, Choco Slop, and other products by the Fatty Goo Corporation.
MS. CARTMAN: Well, he certainly does like them.
DOCTOR: Eric, would you like a chocolate chicken pot pie then?
CARTMAN: No thanks, I'm on a teensy diet.
MS. CARTMAN: Huh?
CARTMAN: 'Cause it goes straight to my thighs.
DOCTOR: Well, what would you like?
CARTMAN: Rice-a-roni!
DOCTOR: Rice-a-roni?
CARTMAN: The San Francisco Treat!
DOCTOR: Yes, I think I have some of that.
He takes a box of Rice-a-roni from his coat pocket. On the Rice-a-roni. It reads "Cooked by Authentic San Francisco Homosexuals."
CARTMAN: Thanks for listening to my needs.
He starts to eat the Rice-a-roni straight from the box.
DOCTOR: There is a simple test we can perform to check your child for gayness.
CARTMAN: Lay it on me honey, I have nothing to hide.
The DOCTOR takes a mallet like the kind used to test reflexes from his pocket and hits CARTMAN in the knee with it. His knee does nothing, but his arm shoots out and his wrist dangles limply.
DOCTOR: Well, he's certainly gay.
CARTMAN: Oh, son of a bitch.
On AL and MITCH.
AL: But...
MITCH: I'm taking over your business, bro.
AL: Why?
MITCH: Oh, because I'm your evil nemesis, I was ignored as a child, you know all those silly cliches. Why? Well, because I just feel like it!
He laughs in a maniacal, evil, gay way.
MITCH: I already have my first tenants.
He pushes a button on his desk. The wall behind him swivels and turns into a huge TV. It displays the "this show should not be viewed by anyone" screen and then starts to play the familiar South Park theme song.
MITCH: Where's that blasted remote control?
The song continues to play and the titles advance as MITCH hunts around for his remote control. They reach the part where BIG GAY AL appears on the screen.
AL: Wow, it's me. I think they captured my good side.
He giggles.
MITCH: Here we go.
He presses a button on the remote. The episode quickly fast forwards until it shows a big gay lion standing in a much bigger and gaudier pet sanctuary than AL's. MITCH pauses it.
AL: Oh my god! Bimba! You kidnapped him!
MITCH: Oh no, I'll think you'll find he came of his own free will. And as for you, I think you've overstayed your welcome.
He presses the button again. The TV swivels back into the wall.
AL: You monster! I'll whip you into splinters with a pair of lavender coloured leather pants!
MITCH: I don't think so. And Al?
AL: Yeah?
MITCH: You look different since I saw you last. Have you gained weight?
AL: No! No, I...
MITCH: Are you dyeing your hair?
AL: No!
MITCH: Your facelift scars are visible.
AL: I'm not listening, I'm not listening... La la la la...
He claps his hands over his ears, starts singing, and rushes out. MITCH smirks.
Outside MITCH's sanctuary. AL runs out and runs into his own.
In the sanctuary. AL enters.
AL: Well, at least you guys are all my friends.
Pan across the sanctuary. No animals are in it at all.
AL: What the heck?
He looks out the window. A line of animals are entering MITCH's sanctuary.
AL: Johnny... Glenn... Carlos...
Pull back from him. He drops to his knees and howls his defiance.
AL: WHY?!
In the hospital room, with CARTMAN, MS. CARTMAN, and the DOCTOR.
CARTMAN: But... I can't be gay!
DOCTOR: I'm afraid you are.
MS. CARTMAN: What can we do?
DOCTOR: Nothing. He's stuck with being a little homo queer. Er... not that there's anything wrong with that or anything.
MS. CARTMAN: Don't worry, Cartman.
CARTMAN: What?
MS. CARTMAN: Oh. Eric. Sorry. It's just a phase. You'll get over it.
CARTMAN: I'm not gay goddammit!
MS. CARTMAN: Come on, Eric. Let's take you to school.
CARTMAN: I don't wanna go to school!
MS. CARTMAN: Well, you're gonna have to.
CARTMAN: But... I'm sick, okay, ma? I've got big owwy pains in my tummy.
DOCTOR: Oh, you have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicavolcanoconiosis. I've heard of that. Luckily there's an immediate cure.
CARTMAN: Well, I really think I'll let it take its natural course...
He fidgets.
DOCTOR: No, I'd better cure it right away.
MS. CARTMAN: Yes, we have to have my little baby ready for school today.
DOCTOR: Here Eric, have a lollipop.
He gives CARTMAN a lollipop.
DOCTOR: And now time for the injection into the left lung.
CARTMAN: Huh?
DOCTOR: I said, time for another lollipop!
The DOCTOR takes a gigantic needle filled with brown sludge out of his pocket and injects CARTMAN in the lung when he's not looking. CARTMAN screams and collapses.
DOCTOR: Now that wasn't too bad, was it?
MS. CARTMAN: Let's go, Eric.
She drags CARTMAN out the door.
At the bus stop. The kids stand there as usual.
STAN: Hey Cartman, what the hell is that ring doing in your ear?
CARTMAN touches his earring.
CARTMAN: I guess it fell into my ear.
STAN: Yeah right you pansy little fruit!
KYLE: Dude, I thought you liked gay people.
STAN: Well, not when they're Cartman.
KYLE: Good point.
BILL and FOSSY walk by.
BILL: Hey Cartman, you signed up for interior decorating class yet? Heh heh heh heh...
FOSSY: Heh heh heh. He's gay. Heh heh heh...
BILL and FOSSY walk off, muttering weird things. STAN looks in the direction where they went.
STAN: What the hell?
KENNY: (Where the hell did those two shits go?)
Everyone looks right and left. Pull far back; BILL and FOSSY are nowhere in sight.
KYLE: It's like those assholes follow their own set of natural laws.
The bus drives up. The kids get in.
The classroom. GARRISON is droning on as normal.
GARRISON: So you see class, that's how Mexicans are ruining the economy. Now, here's how Mexicans are ruining the world...
CARTMAN raises his hand.
GARRISON: Yes Eric?
CARTMAN: Wouldn't it make more sense to tolerate minorities rather than shun and vilify them with nasty propaganda?
GARRISON: Are you feeling all right Eric?
STAN: Cartman's a gay homosexual now.
GARRISON: Really! Well, er, now we'll all hate him. Yeah, that's right.
He glances around uneasily.
GARRISON: Well, aren't we going to start insuting him?
BILL & FOSSY: He's gay. Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
GARRISON: Very good. Bill, Fossy, I'm giving you both A's in citizenship.
BILL & FOSSY: Huh huh huh huh huh. Garrison's gay.
The bell rings.
GARRISON: Oh, recess.
Outside on the playground. A lot of kids are gathered around CARTMAN.
STAN: Eric Cartman, known in some circles as Fat-ass, Lard-ass, and Butter-ass, your trial will now commence. Do you have anything to say for yourself?
CARTMAN: You're all being very mean and immature.
KYLE: You've tormented everyone for years and years. How's it feel to be a frigging minority here?
CARTMAN: Well for starters, I'm not gay!
KENNY: (Bullshit.)
WENDY: Cartman you fat f*BLEEP*k, you're the only man visible from space!
She kicks him in the head. CARTMAN falls to the ground.
CARTMAN: You cruel little bitch!
He gets up.
STAN: You have been found guilty of the crime of being Cartman, blah, blah, blah. You will be taunted severely.
PIP: Oh! May I try one?
STAN: Go away Pip, nobody likes you.
PIP: It isn't fair! I've been on the receiving end of his insults more than any of you!
KYLE: Oh, let him Stan.
PIP: Oh, jolly good. Hey Cartman?
CARTMAN: Yeah?
PIP: You're so f*BLEEP*ing fat your bathtub has stretch marks!
The kids erupt in laughter.
STAN: All right Pip!
KYLE: Hey, you want to join our gang?
CARTMAN: He's not getting in our gang!
STAN: Piss off Cartman. We never liked you anyway.
KYLE: Yeah! Pip's our new friend!
PIP leans over and spits in CARTMAN's face. CARTMAN runs off.
PIP: Ha! Right in the ol' brain-box!
BEBE: Pip, are you doing anything Saturday night?
PIP: Oh happy day, my life has taken a smashing turn.
The kids lift PIP on their shoulders and carry him off.
KIDS: Pip! Pip! Pip!
CARTMAN sits on the steps of the school.
CARTMAN: Oh, why wasn't I more sensitive? Why did I jeer and mock those different from me?
A bird flies by and craps on his head.
CARTMAN: Goddammit!
In the classroom. PIP sits where CARTMAN normally would. CARTMAN sits on the floor, in the corner.
PIP: Would you chaps like to come to my home after school?
KYLE: Sure!
STAN: Bitchin'! You're way better than Cartman.
PIP: This is amazing! Mr. Mackey told me to be nice, but as soon as I acted like an asshole, everyone liked me!
STAN: Like they say, let your self shine through.
PIP: You're right.
In the cafeteria. CARTMAN goes up to CHEF.
CHEF: Hello children!
CARTMAN (sad): Hi, chef.
CHEF: How's it going?
CARTMAN: Bad.
CHEF: Why bad?
CARTMAN: The other kids are all making fun of me because I inadvertantly became gay in a strange accident.
CHEF:
Um... well, to tell you the truth, I don't really know any songs
about that.
CARTMAN: Oh.
CHEF: You might try to go over to the North Side.
CARTMAN: What's over there?
CHEF: I'm not exactly sure. I've heard rumors of an underground society...
CARTMAN: Thanks! You've brightened up my day! Totally super!
CHEF: All right, keep it down.
Kide rush down the stairs of the school as the bell rings. KYLE, STAN, KENNY and PIP get on the bus. MS. CRABTREE drives it off, screaming as usual.
PIP: What's with that bird on her head, chaps?
STAN: Nobody knows. It's an unsolved mystery.
KYLE: It's my opinion that it's nesting.
KENNY: (Well that goes without saying, you fucking idiot.)
PIP: What's that bird doing on your head, you sod?
MS. CRABTREE: What did you say?!
PIP: If Kenny is dead, that's not odd.
MS. CRABTREE: Yes, I've noticed that it happens every week or so.
STAN: Hey, good one.
PIP: I've been learning from you, gentlemen.
The bus stops. The four kids get out. There's a huge mansion by the road.
PIP: Well, here we are.
KYLE: Sweet!
KENNY: (That's bigger than Hugh Hefner's whorehouse!)
PIP: Yes, it's nice isn't it?
They go into the house. Inside, it's even better. A BUTLER enters.
PIP: Oh, hello Cadbury.
BUTLER: Hello, master Pip. I have taken the liberty of procuring some Cheezy Truffles for you and your friends.
PIP: Excellent, Cadbury.
The kids walk down a huge hall and enter a door. Inside, there's a huge TV in an incredibly cushy room.
KYLE: Whoa, dude!
STAN: You never said you were rich!
PIP: I never thought it was that important.
They sit down on a plush sofa. STAN picks up a bowl of Cheezy Truffles. He throws a few into his mouth.
STAN: Hey, great Cheezy Poofs.
PIP: Oh, those are Cheezy Truffles. Only $1,500 each, if you buy them in bulk. Nice deal, eh?
STAN: Holy s*BLEEP*t!
KYLE: Neat TV, too.
PIP: Only 600 inches, though. I have a bigger one in my other house.
KYLE's mouth hangs open. After a moment, he falls off the couch.
PIP: I love to watch "My Three Sons." The antics of that Chip... they're side-splitting, eh, blokes?
KYLE climbs up onto the couch again.
KYLE: We'll show you some real TV.
He picks up the remote and turns the TV on. He turns it to HBC; it's playing Terrance and Philip as usual.
TERRANCE picks up the phone and dials.
TERRANCE: 1-64-FART-GALS...
PHILIP: Terrance, are you dialing that phone farting line again, instead of sitting here on the couch farting with me?
TERRANCE: Um... no.
FART GAL (on phone): Hi, my name is Crystal. And I just ate a can of old sauerkraut.
TERRANCE: Oh baby. Tell me more.
FART GAL: Here.
A incredible fart issues from the phone. A cloud of fart gas spews from its speaker, cloaking TERRANCE in a brown haze. He and the FART GAL laugh loudly.
On the kids, also laughing.
PIP: Oh my god! Is all TV this bleeding wonderful?
KYLE: See for yourself.
He tosses PIP the remote. PIP catches it and changes the channel; T&P is playing on the new channel too. TERRANCE is laying in a hospital bed. PHILIP sits by him.
PHILIP: I have some bad news.
TERRANCE: What?
PHILIP: The operation didn't take. You need a sphincter transfusion, or you'll never be able to fart again.
TERRANCE screams.
PHILIP: And that dick Bill Clinton just stole our Canadian health care system!
TERRANCE screams again. PHILIP farts. They laugh hysterically.
ANNOUNCER: Yes, Canada's hottest stars appear once more in their most breathtaking movie yet! You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll fart. It's "Without My Anus," coming to HBC next week. Don't miss it.
On the kids.
PIP: By Jove. Friends forever, blokes?
STAN: Sure!
KYLE: Yeah!
KENNY: (Okay. Cartman was a freak anyway.)
On CARTMAN, walking down a road. He passes a sign saying "TO NORTH SIDE."
CARTMAN: Well, today is the first day of the rest of my life.
He keeps walking.
In the pet sanctuary. AL sits there, smoking.
AL: You've pushed me too far, bro.
He stands.
AL: It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of gum.
He rummages through his pockets.
AL: Oh, wait.
He takes a stick of bubblegum from his pocket and pops it into his mouth.
AL: There we go!
Blowing bubbles, he walks out towards MITCH's.
End of Act 2.
CARTMAN walks past a big building. A BUM is leaning on the wall, swigging from a bottle in a brown paper bag.
BUM (singing): Oh when I'm dead, don't bury me at all... just pickle my bones in alcohol... a bottle of scotch at my head and feet... and then I'm sure my bones will keep...
CARTMAN: Hey!
BUM: Yeah?
CARTMAN: Is this the North Side?
BUM: Yup. Northern South Park. Any further, you'd be in southern North Park.
CARTMAN: Wow. Are things there as weird as they say?
BUM: Oh yeah. The triangles there have four sides.
CARTMAN: No way!
BUM: Uh huh. What are you doing here?
CARTMAN: I'm looking for a secret underground society.
BUM: Oh, I know where that one is.
CARTMAN: You do?
BUM: Yeah. The entrance is marked with a four sided triangle.
CARTMAN: You mean a square?
BUM: A what?
CARTMAN: Oh, never mind. Thanks for your help.
The bum guzzles the last of the bottle and falls over, landing on a sleeping cat.
CARTMAN: Wow, I see it already!
He runs down the street to a small door. A triangle is painted on it.
CARTMAN: No, this one has three sides...
The door abruptly opens. A man with no legs (not HALFIE) is standing in the doorway.
MAN: What do you want with our underground society?
CARTMAN: Um, I think I might be in the wrong place.
MAN: Do you want to join us, the double amputees?
CARTMAN: No.
The MAN, not listening, yanks him inside. Inside, it's dark and shadowy. The MAN rags CARTMAN down a hallway.
CARTMAN: But I don't wanna be in the society!
MAN:
You're just in time for our pledge of allegiance. We can get you sworn
in that way.
They enter the door at the end of the hallway. A large amount of people are inside a big room, all missing either their arms or their legs. They move aside, to reveal HALFIE on a throne and wearing a crown.
HALFIE: Now it's time for the pledge of allegiance.
MAN: Your excellence, we have a new recruit today.
HALFIE: Very well. He can follow with the pledge.
MAN: Get ready, boy.
HALFIE: Now who here would have sex with a tomato?
EVERYONE: I would!
HALFIE: Now who here would... wait a minute! Our new recruit has all his limbs! He can't hang around with us!
CARTMAN: Well, I didn'twant to be in your silly society anyway. And another thing. Don't you think that this pledge is causing a strange and unfair stereotype of amputees?
HALFIE: Guards! Seize him!
An ARMLESS MAN and a LEGLESS MAN grab him and carry him back out.
CARTMAN: Um, seriously you guys, I could just walk.
LEGLESS MAN: Enough!
The LEGLESS MAN holds him up; the ARMLESS MAN kicks him out the door.
CARTMAN: Have it your way, you homophobic bastards!
He gets up and looks at another door with a square painted on it.
CARTMAN: Hmm, I wonder if this could be the one.
He opens the door and goes inside, walking down a hallway identical to the other one.
CARTMAN: Hmm, what is this?
He opens the door at the end of the hallway, to reveal a big bar. He walks over and sits on a stool.
CARTMAN: What do you guys have to drink here?
BARTENDER: Here at Big Gay Tony's Big Gay Bar, we have a lot of drinks.
CARTMAN: All right, I'll have a Cheezy Beer.
BARTENDER: But all the drinks are gay.
CARTMAN sighs.
CARTMAN: Right. I'll have a pina colada.
BARTENDER: Hold on a minute, kiddo. How old are you?
CARTMAN: Eight.
BARTENDER: Hmmm.
CARTMAN: I'm very mature for my age.
BARTENDER: What the hell. This is a progressive bar.
The BARTENDER mixes him a pina colada.
BARTENDER: I'm Big Gay Tony, by the way. And these are my friends, Big Gay Nick, Big Gay Cal, and Big Gay Schlomo.
CARTMAN looks at them. They all look exactly like BIG GAY AL, but wearing different clothing.
CARTMAN: Um, nice to meet you.
BARTENDER: Oh, I nearly forgot. Here you go.
He puts a pair of leather pants on the counter.
BARTENDER: Complimentary lavender coloured leather pants with every drink!
CARTMAN puts the pants on.
CARTMAN: I've always loved lavender.
BIG GAY SCHLOMO: You know, I've done my kitchen in lavender!
CARTMAN: You don't say.
SCHLOMO: Oh yes.
CARTMAN: Look, you guys seem really nice and all, but I just want to be my old self again. If someone wasn't born gay, can the gayifing process be reversed?
TONY: There is one way.
CAL: Yes. We know a man on the other side of things. He would be happy to perform the process for you.
CARTMAN; Where is this man?
TONY: At Tom's Rhinoplasty, go west four miles, then north past the lake, then east.
CARTMAN: Thanks!
CAL: Oh, don't mention it. Would you like to stay for some low fat carrot cake?
CARTMAN: I'm in a bit of a hurry.
SCHLOMO: Goodbye then. It was super getting to know you.
CARTMAN leaves.
SCHLOMO: My God! Did you see his hair?
They all break out in laughter.
CARTMAN walks out of South Park and into the horizon. He walks over hills, through forests, etc. It uses the same perspective as SPARKY's journey. Finally he arrives at a building.
CARTMAN: Well, this must be the place.
In PIP's mansion. The kids are sitting on the couch watching TV. An explosion is heard.
KYLE: What the hell was that?
They go up to the window and look out. The animal sanctuaries can be seen far off in the distance.
PIP: Trouble at the animal sanctuaries?
KYLE: Maybe.
STAN: Dude, let's check it out!
PIP: Right-o.
They leave.
Outside MITCH's. AL is crouching in the shadows with a massively enormous grenade launcher. He fires a grenade through a big plate glass window. Flames shoot from within the sanctuary, then die down.
AL: Move in on my turf, will you?
Inside. MITCH is covered with soot. In the background, there's a smoking crater full of debris.
MITCH: He blew up my salad bar... the bastard!
Outside. AL is laughing. The kids come up to him.
STAN: Hey Big Gay Al.
KYLE: Whatcha doing?
AL: Get down!
The kids drop to the ground.
AL: I'm getting back at my big gay nemesis Big Gay Mitch. He's trying to usurp my position as big gay caregiver for the land's big gay animals, and so I've gotta kill him. Stay in the shadows, or else he'll see you.
He blows smoke off the barrel of his grenade launcher.
STAN: Huh?
PIP: Blokes, this is bloody well f*BLEEP*ed up right here.
AL: He's pushed me too far! There's no turning back now!
KYLE: Oh my God! We're caught in the middle!
STAN: It's a big gay war!
Jarring chord.
KENNY: (Cool!)
AL: Boys, I need some mercenaries.
STAN: Sorry, dude.
A searchlight sweeps across the area, illuminating them.
AL: Dammit! Run!
Everyone runs away from the searchlight. They crouch behind a dumpster.
PIP: Oh, what the hell. Let's sodding wage some war.
KENNY: (Count me in. It's been a boring day.)
KYLE: If Kenny fights, I do too.
STAN: Might as well.
AL: Super! Kids, now what we've got to do is destroy the heart of the sanctuary - the techno dance club. I'll give you some plastic explosives.
STAN: Yeah. Techno sucks ass.
AL: Shut the hell up, young man! I have no choice in the matter!
AL hands out some plastic explosives.
AL: Get into the back door! I'll give you covering fire!
He shoots grenades over the kids' heads and into the sanctuary.
AL: Move! Move!
The kids run off, to the back of the sanctuary. They ring the doorbell.
Inside. MITCH hears the doorbell ring.
MITCH: Go away! I'm busy!
STAN (trying to sound foreign): Apologies sir... but we is merely delivery men... we have... package for you.
MITCH: I don't remember ordering any package. What is it?
STAN: It is... plastic explosive.
MITCH: Plastic explosive?
KYLE: Er... we mean Mountain Dew!
MITCH: Oh! Well, come in.
They come in.
MITCH: Hey, wait a minute! You're just a bunch of kids!
KENNY jumps up and belts him in the head with a cosh. He collapses to the floor.
STAN: Um, I'm pretty sure we could have just talked to him.
KENNY shrugs. The kids go through a door into another room. It's the techno dance club. Various gay animals are dancing to the techno tunes.
STAN: We need to create a diversion.
KYLE: Diverson... diversion... Here we go!
He turns to a little glass box on the wall. Written on the box is: "BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF EMERGENCY."
PIP: Who'll do the honors?
KYLE: Let me try.
He breaks the glass on the box. No alarm rings, but a pair of leather pants fall out.
KYLE: What the hell?
STAN: It looks like... emergency leather pants.
He picks the pants up.
STAN: Hey guys! Leather pants!
He throws them out the window. The gay animals jump out after them.
KYLE: Right. Let's do it.
On CARTMAN, standing on the doorstep of the building he came to. On the building's featureless door. Pan up, revealing the sign above the door. It reads: "Big Straight Joe's Big Straight Hunting Preserve."
CARTMAN: Dude, this has gotta be the most f*BLEEP*ed up thing I have ever seen in my life.
He knocks on the door. BIG STRAIGHT JOE opens it. He's a big, flannel wearing woodsman type guy with tattoes on his bare forearms. Bob Villa does his voice.
JOE: Hey, who're you?
CARTMAN: I'm Eric Cartman. I have a little teense of a problem...
JOE: Yeah, I get your type coming here every day. Lemme guess, you want to be de-gayified.
CARTMAN: How'd you know?
JOE: I know everything. Take the fourth door on your right.
CARTMAN enters the hunting preserve. Inside, it's sort of a park full of scared animals.
CARTMAN: You sure do have a lot of animals here.
JOE: Of course I do, dumbass. It's the only place where big straight animals can truly be themselves.
Close up on a rabbit. It steps into a barbed wire noose laying on the ground.
VOICE (JIMBO): Thin out their numbers!
VOICE (NED): Thin out their numbers...
The noose tightens around the rabbit's head, chopping it off in a messy spray of blood and bone fragments.
VOICE (NED): That'll learn it.
CARTMAN: So they come here to get killed?
JOE: Can you think of a better use for animals?
They pass by a door.
JOE: It's in there.
CARTMAN: What is?
JOE: Big Straight Joe's Big Straight Roller Coaster.
CARTMAN: Dude, that's pretty unoriginal.
JOE: Listen kid, I don't need this. I could be sawing up wood with a bandsaw if you weren't here.
CARTMAN: Whatever.
He goes in the door and sits in the roller coaster. Music starts to play.
VOICE (singing): We're all straight, and that's just great...
In the sanctuary's techno dance club. The kids are laying plastic explosive charges.
STAN: Are we done?
PIP: One more.
He takes his shoe off and throws it at the disco ball. The ball shatters. He picks his shoe up and puts it back on.
STAN: What was that for?
PIP: Fun.
STAN: Ahh... right.
KYLE takes a blasting cap and puts it on a charge of explosive.
KYLE: Dude, let's get out of here!
They jump out of the same window the animals jumped out of before.
On MITCH, in the adjoining room. He gets up and looks in the techno dance club.
MITCH: No! No! Nooo!
He jumps out the window. A second later, the sanctuary explodes.
Outside the smoking ruins of the sanctuary. The kids stand there, as do AL, MITCH, and a herd of various big gay animals.
AL: I'm sure glad that's taken care of. Who wants tropical punch?
KIDS: Me!
A dog comes up to AL, looks at him guiltily, and licks his hand.
AL: There, there. All is forgiven.
JOE tries to sneak away.
AL: Not so fast!
AL takes a pair of leather pants from his pocket.
AL: Now you will face the wrath of the lavender coloured leather pants!
JOE: No!
AL lashes out with the pants, but misses. He hits KENNY, who is standing near MITCH. They wrap around KENNY's head like a bullwhip and yank it off. The head flies through the air, hits MITCH, and knocks him unconscious.
AL: Ick.
STAN: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
AL: Let's go get that tropical punch.
End of Act 3.
CARTMAN and JOE stand outside the preserve.
CARTMAN: Well, thanks for everything Joe.
JOE: It's all in a day's work.
CARTMAN: I think I have some unfinished business to finish.
JOE: Well, bye then.
CARTMAN walks off.
Inside AL's sanctuary, full of animals as usual. The three kids are sitting at a table with AL, drinking tropical punch. CARTMAN walks in.
CARTMAN: Get the f*BLEEP* out of here Pip! You little Limey freak! Go back to France you snail-eating communist hippie!
STAN: Oh look, Cartman's back.
KYLE: I was getting tired with Pip.
PIP: But... I thought I was your friend now!
KYLE: Not anymore.
PIP: I'm not your friend?
STAN: No. Go 'way Pip, nobody likes you.
PIP sighs.
PIP: Right-o.
PIP leaves. CARTMAN sits where he was.
STAN: Hey Al?
AL: Yeah kiddo?
STAN: What'd you do with Big Gay Mitch?
AL: Oh, I gave him a good home.
In JOE's hunting preserve. MITCH is hiding behind a bush. Zoom out to show NED and JIMBO hunting him.
JIMBO: There he is! The rare speckled banded albino spiny echidna of Nepal! The very last of its kind!
NED: To hell with quotas.
Closeup of MITCH's head. A crosshairs appears, centered over his right eye.
JIMBO (O.S.) Thin out their numbers!
In the sanctuary.
STAN: You know, I think I've learned something today.
AL: What?
STAN: Gay people deserve the exact same respect as everyone else.
AL: You're a very intelligent young man, aren't you?
STAN: And Cartman deserves the same respect as a dead Ethernopian crack whore, gay or straight.
CARTMAN: Hey! I'll kick you in the nut-sack!
STAN: And I think I learned something else. Plastic explosives kick ass!
Credits. Instead of the normal music, it's the theme from the big gay boat ride. Fade to black.
[End.]
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