CHRIS ANDERSON INDEPENDENCE
GAY
The second gay-related script. Mail Chris at anderson@cjnetworks.com. Weird but good.
[Ext. view, space. Several spacecraft come into the scene and hover in place. We can hear the ships communicating. It sounds like gay cows.]
SPACECRAFT #1: (In subtitles.) Sir, we are in position. Shall we commence?
SPACECRAFT #2: (In subtitles.) Not yet, Silly Billy. My crumpets are done yet.
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
MR. GARRISON: All right, class...
[Int. view, South Park Elementary. For once the kids are all in their seats and quiet. Mr. Garrison is at the front of the room.]
MR. GARRISON: ...Today we're going to learn all about "Three's Company."
[The class groans.]
MR. GARRISON: Now, to the trained eye, it's obvious that John Ritter was playing a gay man trying to act un-gay so that he wouldn't be shunned by society but was acting like a gay man around Mr. Roper because they had a mutual sexual attraction to each other. Are there any questions?
[Pip raises his hand.]
PIP: Um...Mr. Garrison, sir?
MR. GARRISON: This better be good, Pip, or else I'll have your ass deported back to France.
[The class, except for Pip, laughs.]
PIP: Righto. I was wondering: what does this have to do with mathematics?
MR. GARRISON: Nothing. Now, class, because Pip doubted my teaching skills, we're going to have a pop quiz...
[The class groans.]
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.) Oh, thank you ever so much, Pip! Ah always wanted an excuse to kick your ass!
MR. GARRISON: ...And everyone's grade in math will be determined by one person's answer, so you'd all better do a good job if you want to pass. Who should we pick to be our one person, Mr. Hat?
CARTMAN: (To himself.) Please be Wendy...Please be Wendy...Please be Wendy...
STAN: (To himself.) Please not Cartman... Please not Cartman... Please not Cartman...
KYLE: (To himself.) Please not fat-ass... Please not fat-ass... Please not fat-ass...
WENDY: (To herself.) Please pick me...Please pick me...Please pick me...
KENNY: (To himself.) Mnnmnm mnm mnnmnmnm...Mnnmnm mnm mnnmnmnm... Mnnmnm mnm mnnmnmnm...
MR. HAT: Hmm... Let's see, Mr. Garrison...How about Eric Cartman?
[The whole class groans.]
KYLE: (Sarcastically.) Oh, I didn't see that coming.
CARTMAN: Super weak.
MR. GARRISON: OK, class, here's your question: In which season of Knight Rider did KITT suddenly become a convertible? And remember, no cheating. If anyone cheats or tries to help Eric, Eric will get an F and you'll all fail math and you'll all have to be in the third grade again next year.
[The lunch bell rings.]
MR. GARRISON: Well, I guess we'll have to put off the quiz until another day. Everyone downstairs for lunch.
[Ext. view, space. The ships are communicating again.]
SPACECRAFT #1: (In subtitles.) Sir, all weapons systems are online and functioning at 100%. Shall we commence with our initial attack?
SPACECRAFT #2: (In subtitles.) That would be super! Commence the attack! Say, would you boys over there like some of my crumpets? They're to die for!
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are standing there. Suddenly, they are bathed in a green light. When the light goes away, all four of them are dressed just like Big Gay Al except with their hats, or hood, in Kenny's case. They all look down at their clothes.]
CARTMAN: OK. Somebody tell me what the f*ck just happened.
STAN: Dude! We're all dressed just like Big Gay Al!
CARTMAN: Stan, whatever you do own your tahm with your big gay homosexual friend with your gay homosexual dog is your own gay homosexual business, all right? But don't you go and drag me down inta your gay homosexual Hell, seriously.
KYLE: Shut up, Cartman! Stan, do you have any idea what's going on here?
STAN: No, dude! I think we need to go see Big Gay Al. If this is a big gay problem, it makes sense that Big Gay Al should be able to solve it. And I'm not gay, Cartman!
KENNY: Mmnnmnnm mnmnmm nmmmnnmn mnmmnnmmn Mnmnmnnm!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
KYLE: Yeah, just like that Mr. Roper guy!
CARTMAN: You poor, gay piece of crap, Kenny! Ah'll kick your ass!
[Kenny roshambos Cartman. Cartman falls into the snow.]
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) Kill...you...Kenny.
KYLE: OK, let's each go home and see if our families are all right.
STAN: Right. Then, we'll meet back here and go to Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.
[Ext. view, South Park City Hall.]
MAYOR: Barbrady, you're supposed to keep the peace around here...
[Int. view, the Mayor's Office. The Mayor and her two assistant are standing behind her desk. Officer Barbrady is standing in front of the Mayor's desk. All of them are dressed exactly like Big Gay Al.]
OFFICER BARBRADY: That's right, Mayor!
MAYOR: (Pointing to everyone's clothes.) Then, would mind telling us just what in the Hell this is!?
[Officer Barbrady looks around at everyone's clothes.]
OFFICER BARBRADY: Hmm...Well, this is obviously just an illusion caused by the Aurora Borealis reflecting off of Jupiter and a weather balloon. Nothing to see here.
[Officer Barbrady exits.]
MAYOR: (To her assistants.) Find out how much it would cost to have that man killed and replaced.
[Ext. view, Stan's house.]
STAN: Mom? Dad?
MRS. MARSH: In the kitchen, Stanley.
[Int. view, Stan's kitchen. Stan walks in, looks around, and walks right back out. The camera pans back to show Stan's mom and dad, Shelly, and Grampa Marsh are all sitting at the kitchen table, dressed just like Big Gay Al.]
[Int. view, Kyle's living room. Kyle enters.]
KYLE: Mom? Dad?
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: We're just putting Ike down for a nap, bubbelah!
[Kyle goes into his room. Mr. and Mrs. Brofslovski are both in there. Mrs. Brofslovski is putting Ike in his crib. All of three of them are dressed just like Big Gay Al.]
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Oh, hello, Kyle! How was school?
KYLE: Fine. Why are you all dressed like that?
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: You know, it's the weirdest thing; there was this green light all over in the house and when it went away, these were the clothes we had on.
KYLE: And you didn't go change?
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Oh, we tried to, bubbelah, but all of our clothes look like this now.
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: I tell you, I've never seen so many pairs of leather pants in my life!
IKE: E skoo buhf gay.
[Int. view, Cartman's living room. Cartman enters.]
CARTMAN: Mom? Mom!? MOM!?
[Cartman goes into incomprehensible whines. Mrs. Cartman rushes in, dressed just like Big Gay Al.]
MRS. CARTMAN: What's the matter, Hon'? Is Mommy's little precsious hungry?
[Cartman stops whining.]
CARTMAN: Well, yeah, Ah suppose Ah am a little bit hungry...
MRS. CARTMAN: I just made some Beefy Rolls and there are Sweety Pops in the freezer. I'll go get some for you.
[Mrs. Cartman goes to the kitchen.]
CARTMAN: Kick ass!
[Mrs. Cartman comes back with Cartman's food.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Here you go, Eric. Now, eat up so you can grow up to be a strong man someday!
CARTMAN: Just gimme the food, Goddammit!
[Cartman grabs the food away from his mom and starts eating it. Suddenly, he stops and looks at his mom, finally noticing that she is dressed just like Big Gay Al.]
CARTMAN: Uh...Mom?
MRS. CARTMAN: Yes, Pumpykins?
CARTMAN: Whah are you dressed like that?
MRS. CARTMAN: Because all my clothes look like this, Eric.
CARTMAN: Oh. OK.
[Cartman continues eating.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are there, still dressed like Big Gay Al.]
STAN: So, everyone was dressed the same way?
KYLE: Yeah! My mom said that all the clothes in the house changed!
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Where the Hell is Kenny!? Ah'm gettin' tired of waitin' for his poor ass to get here!
KYLE: Oh, here he comes.
[Kenny walks up with a piece of paper in his hand.]
STAN: Hey, Kenny. Was your family at home?
KENNY: Mnm-mnm.
KYLE: Where did they go?
[Kenny hands the piece of paper to Kyle. Kyle looks at the paper. The camera zooms in on it to show that it reads: "Kenny, gone to take your brother to market so we can get some food."]
KYLE: Oh.
STAN: Wait. Why are they taking your brother to market, Kenny?
KENNY: Mmnmn mnmnmnm nmnm mnmn nmnmnmmmnnm nmnmnmn.
KYLE: By the pound?
KENNY: Mmnmnm.
STAN: Dude! We would be rich if we sold Cartman!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.) Yeah. Ha ha. Very funny, you gahs. Let's all laugh at Cartman.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny start laughing again.]
CARTMAN: Ay! Wait a minute! Did you gahs just call me fat!?
STAN: Yes.
CARTMAN: How many tahms do Ah hafta tell you stupid sons-of-bitches!? Ah am not fat; Ah just have a wider center of gravity than most people.
KYLE: Cartman, I don't think your center of gravity could get any wider!
CARTMAN: Ay! You shut your mouth 'fore Ah kick you squa' in the nuuuuts!
[Ext. view, a big snow field. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are walking through it.]
CARTMAN: Hey, you gahs? How the Hell are supposed ta find Big Gay Wad's...
STAN: It's Big Gay Al, you asshole!
CARTMAN: ...Big Gay Homosexual Animal Sanctuary?
[The kids stop.]
KYLE: I hate to say it but, I think fat-ass has a point. The last time you tried to bring us out here it was gone. How are supposed to find it, Stan?
[The background fades into a huge American flag. There is a choir softly singing "America, The Beautiful" in the background.]
STAN: In times of big gay crisis, Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary always appears to server as a beacon to all the oppressed big gay people and animals of the world. To show them that there is hope for acceptance in this closed-minded world. To let them know that there is someone out there who knows what they're going through and who will always offer them a place where they can come and live a big gay life free from oppression for the rest of their lives!
CHOIR: (Suddenly becoming louder and still singing.) ...From sea to shining sea!
[The background fades back to normal.]
KYLE: Oh.
[The kids start walking again.]
[Ext. view, Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. The kids are walking up to the front door.]
STAN: See? I told you it would be here!
CARTMAN: (In awe.) This truly must be the biggest gay homosexual animal sanctuary there has ever been. Ah cannot wait to have a hamburger made from a big gay homosexual cow.
KYLE: Cartman, do you even know that a sanctuary is, you fat retard!?
CARTMAN: Well, Ah assumed that "sanctuary" meant "all you can eat" in the gay homosexual language. And Ah am not fat, Goddammit! Ah'm just too short for mah weight, that's all.
KYLE: Cartman, if you were the right height for your weight, you'd be 18 feet tall!
CARTMAN: F*ck you!
STAN: Cartman, stop arguing with Kyle. We've got to get Big Gay Al's help!
CARTMAN: (Whining.) But he...eeeEEEEEE...he called me...eeeeEEEEEE....he called me fat!
STAN: Cartman, you are fat!
CARTMAN: All right, that does it! Screw you gahs; Ah'm goin' home!
[Cartman just stands there.]
KYLE: Well?
CARTMAN: Well what?
KYLE: Go home, then, you fat baby!
CARTMAN: Ah was under the impression that Stan was comin' with me.
STAN: Why the Hell did you think that!?
CARTMAN: Well, huh, let me think 'bout that for a minute hya...Oh! Ah, know! Because you're the asshole who brought us hya!
STAN: Cartman, shut the Hell up.
[The kids go up to the big gay front door. Stan rings the big gay doorbell. Big Gay Al answers the door.]
BIG GAY AL: Yes? Oh, it's you, Stanley! How are you?
STAN: Fine. How are you?
BIG GAY AL: I'm super! Thanks for asking! Oh my! I just looooove your outfits! Come in, come in.
[The kids go inside and Big Gay Al closes the door.]
[Ext. view, space. We hear the ships communicating again.]
SPACECRAFT #1: (In subtitles.) Sir, we are ready to begin the invasion.
SPACECRAFT #2: That's super! Let's start the invasion! Wait...do these pants make me look fat?
[Several small comet-like pods fire from the bottom of each ship and head towards...]
[Ext. view, South Park Main
Street. The pods come crashing down into the street.
There is smoke coming off of them from their entrance through the
atmosphere. The pods sit there and sizzle as several South
Park citizens (all dressed like Big Gay Al) and Officer Barbrady
(still dressed like Big
Gay Al) gather around.]
MAN: W-what are they?
[Officer Barbrady steps between the people and the pods, facing the people with his arms spread out.]
OFFICER BARBRADY: OK, people. Nothing to see here. Move along.
WOMAN: What the Hell are you talking about, Barbrady!? We can plainly see these...things!
OFFICER BARBRADY: Uh...
[Suddenly, the pods start to hiss loudly. Door start to open from their sides. The citizens and Officer Barbrady step back. Huge clouds of smoke pour out from the pods. When the smoke clears, the crowd gasps. The camera zooms in on the bottom of one of the pod doors. A foot appears. The camera pans up to slowly reveal a visitor dressed like Big Gay Al, with very similar hair and a moustache. Several more big gay visitors join him.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: Moo moo moooo moo!
[Another big gay visitor taps Big Gay Visitor #1 on the shoulder.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: (In subtitles.) You silly goose! You need your universal translator! Here.
[Big Gay Visitor #2 hands Big Gay Visitor #1 a cigarette.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: (In subtitles.) Thanks, Lance.
[Big Gay Visitor #1 puts the cigarette in his mouth.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: People of the Earth. We have come to enslave your puny race and make sure everyone is color coordinated from this day on!
[Dramatic chord.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: And you will never eat another creature for the rest of your pathetic lives! You shall eat only from...
[He gestures to one of the pods. Two more big gay visitors are wheeling out a salad bar.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: ...The salad bar!
[Dramatic chord.]
[Big Gay Visitor #1 pulls out a dildo-shaped blaster and fires off screen.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: And there will be no more dramatic chords!
[The camera pans over to a charred skeleton sitting at a charred organ. Suddenly, the Underpants Gnomes music can be heard. The camera pans back to the big gay visitor. Several Underpants Gnomes come in and collect Big Gay Visitor #1's underpants. The Underpants Gnomes walk off screen.]
UNDERPANTS GNOME #1: Ooooo! Extraterrestrial underpants!
UNDERPANTS GNOME #2: Big profit in Roswell!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.]
[Int. view, Big Gay Al's big gay living room. The whole big gay room is done up like some big gay 70s housewife nightmare. The kids are sitting on the big gay couch. Big Gay Al enters wearing a big gay apron and carrying a big gay cake.]
BIG GAY AL: Who wants carrot cake?
STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY: Yeah!
BIG GAY AL: OK, boys. Here you go.
[Big Gay Al gives each of them a huge piece of cake.]
BIG GAY AL: Eric, don't you want any?
CARTMAN: Ah don't want none of your damn gay homosexual cake! Ah...Ah...well, actually, Ah would like some cake.
[Big Gay Al gives Cartman the rest of the cake.]
CARTMAN: Sweet.
[Cartman starts devouring the cake. Big Gay Al takes off his big gay apron and sits in his big gay love seat.]
BIG GAY AL: Now, what brings you boys to my Big Gay Animal Sanctuary?
STAN: Well, Big Gay Al, it's our clothes...
BIG GAY AL: I know! They're just fabulous!
STAN: Yeeeeah. The thing is, everyone in town is dressed like this now and no one knows why.
KYLE: Yeah! These clothes just aren't "me."
BIG GAY AL: I understand. Big gay clothes are for everyone.
STAN: So, do you have any idea why everyone's clothes turned this way?
BIG GAY AL: I might, Stanley, but first I need to know something.
STAN: What, dude?
BIG GAY AL: How did your clothes change?
KYLE: We were just standing at the bus stop after school and this green light shined on us and, when it went away, we were just dressed like this!
BIG GAY AL: Oh, dear. I see now what the trouble is.
STAN: What?
BIG GAY AL: To make you understand, I have to start some time ago...
[The scene fades into a black and white flashback.]
BIG GAY AL: (Voice over.) I remember it was nighttime I was out catching big gay fireflies. Wait a minute.
[The scene changes to color. Now it looks like one of those old shows where nighttime scenes are shot during the day but are darkened.]
BIG GAY AL: (Voice over.) That's better. I was out catching big gay fireflies in the suburbs of San Francisco.
[Little Gay Al skips into the scene with a bug net. He pretty much looks like a little kid version of Big Gay Al, complete with moustache and cigarette.]
BIG GAY AL: (Voice over.) It was many years ago, when I was about the same age as you boys are now...
CARTMAN: (Voice over.) How old are you now?
[Little Gay Al stops skipping and just stands there. After a while, he starts tapping his foot impatiently.]
BIG GAY AL: (Voice over.) Thirty-something. Now, let me continue.
CARTMAN: (Voice over.) Damn, Stan, your gay homosexual friend here sure is an asshole!
STAN AND KYLE: (Voice over.) Shut up, Cartman!
STAN: (Voice over.) Go on, Big Gay Al.
BIG GAY AL: (Voice over.) Thank you, Stanley. As I was saying, I was about the same age as you boys are now...
[Little Gay Al starts skipping along through the woods again.]
BIG GAY AL: (Voice over.) I was out in the woods at night so I could catch some big gay fireflies for my big gay insect circus.
CARTMAN: (Voice over.) Goddamn, this is lame.
KYLE: (Voice over.) Shut UP, Cartman!
BIG GAY AL: (Voice over.) While I was out in the woods, a strange blue light suddenly shined on me and I was lifted into the sky...
[Little Gay Al is bathed in a blue light and lifted off the ground into the sky.]
BIG GAY AL: (Voice over.) ...Where I was taken aboard an alien craft.
[Little Gay Al is taken aboard a spacecraft that looks just like one of the big gay visitors' ships.]
STAN: (Voice over.) I'll bet this is pretty familiar, huh, Cartman?
CARTMAN: (Voice over.) Goddammit! Ah did not have an anal probe, you son-of-a-bitch!
KYLE: (Voice over.) What happened then?
[The flashback fades away. The scene shifts back to Big Gay Al's big gay living room.]
BIG GAY AL: The visitors performed all sorts of different tests on my rear and anal region but they stopped when they found out that I liked it.
CARTMAN: Ugh. God, Ah think Ah'm gonna be sick.
STAN: What did they do then, Big Gay Al?
BIG GAY AL: Well, Stanley, they gave me a choice...
[The scene fades back into the flashback again. Little Gay Al is standing before two big gay visitors. The big gay visitors both have their universal translators in their mouths. One of them is holding an Easy Bake Oven and the other is holding some papers.]
BIG GAY AL: (Voice over.) They gave me a choice of what I wanted to keep me quiet about my big gay abduction: an Easy Bake Oven or their future plans for invasion of the Earth. I chose the Easy Bake Oven.
[Little Gay takes the Easy Bake Oven. The big gay visitors look at each other and nod. One of them reaches off camera. The camera pans over to show that he is holding a lever. He pulls it and a trapdoor opens up underneath Little Gay Al. Little Gay Al and his Easy Bake Oven fall to the ground. The flashback fades away and the scene returns to Big Gay Al's big gay living room.]
BIG GAY AL: So, the big gay visitors have come back. I could have stopped them all those years ago but I was so enthralled by that Easy Bake Oven that I couldn't see what repercussions my actions might have had on the future.
STAN: Now is your chance to
make up for your mistake, Big Gay Al. In this crazy life,
we don't get a second chance often and when we do, we have to
grab a hold of it and make sure that we do things right the
second time. We have to learn from the past and look ahead
to the future so we won't repeat
our mistakes. If there's one thing I've learned in the
eight years I've been alive, it's that you can't let your past
control your life forever. You have to live in the now!
[Everyone stares at Stan.]
STAN: What?
KYLE: Dude, do you even remember what you did yesterday?
STAN: Um...no.
BIG GAY AL: I'm sorry, Stanley. I can't face the big gay visitors again. I let the people of Earth down once and there's nothing I can do to fix that now. This is my big gay shame that I must live with for the rest of my big gay life.
STAN: But, you're the only one who can stop them, Big Gay Al!
BIG GAY AL: No, I can't. I've lost something, Stanley. Something I don't think I can ever get back.
KYLE: Your honor?
BIG GAY AL: No.
KENNY: Mmnmn nmnmnmnmn?
BIG GAY AL: No.
CARTMAN: Your pah?
KYLE: It's not pie, you fat f*ck!
CARTMAN: Go to Hell, hippie! It's pah, ain't it?
BIG GAY AL: No, it's not pie, either, Eric.
STAN: Well, what is it, then?
BIG GAY AL: I...I can't talk about it right now, Stanley. Please, you boys should leave now. I need to be alone.
[The boys start to leave.]
STAN: Man, I can't believe that Big Gay Al won't help us.
CARTMAN: Yeah, Stan, your big gay homosexual friend sucks ass.
KENNY: Mnmn mnmn mnmnmnn, mmnmnmn.
CARTMAN: What the Hell does that mean: "Ah would know?"
[The boys exit. Big Gay Al gets up off of his big gay love seat. He walks over to one of the big gay windows in his big gay living room and stares out the window.]
BIG GAY AL: (Sighing.) I wish I could help those boys but I can't. I've lost a big gay part of myself and I don't know if I can ever get it back.
[Big Gay Al turns to a big gay picture on his big gay coffee table and picks it up. The camera zooms in on the big gay picture to show that it's obviously a picture of a man dressed as a woman.]
BIG GAY AL: (To the picture.) Oh, Dad, I know I've let you down. I don't know if I can face another day in this wretched state that I'm in. Those big gay visitors took something from me, Dad. They took...my gayness!
[Dramatic chord. Big Gay Al puts the picture back down.]
BIG GAY AL: Well, there's no denying it anymore. From this day on, Big Gay Al is no more. (Big Gay Al's voice turns manly.) I am now Enormously Straight Jack!
[Dramatic chord.]
[Ext. view, South Park Main Street. The big gay visitors are separating the people of South Park into three groups. One group consists of all the females of South Park, one consists of most of the men in South Park, and one consists of Mr. Garrison.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: Is that all of them?
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: No, silly! We have accounted for most of them, though. We have patrols out searching for the remaining inhabitants.
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: Excellent, Lance. Now, are you sure that out of the entire population of this town, he is the only one!?
[Big Gay Visitor #1 points to Mr. Garrison.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: Quite sure.
MR. GARRISON: The only one what?
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: Oh, don't be a Difficulty Danny! You know what we're talking about. Your not fooling anyone, you know.
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: Not even yourself.
MR. GARRISON: Mr. Hat, do you know what they're talking about?
MR. HAT: Mr. Garrison, a blind man in a dark room could see it plainly.
MR. GARRISON: What?
MR. HAT: If you can't stop living in denial, then you'll never know.
MR. GARRISON: In denial of what, Mr. Hat?
[Mr. Garrison stares at Mr. Hat for a while.]
MR. HAT: Oh, nothing.
MR. GARRISON: Oh. Well, that's a relief. I thought you were trying to tell me that I'm gay or something like that.
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: (Pointing to Mr. Garrison still.) See to it that that one is put aboard the pleasure ship once we leave.
[Ext. view, Big Gay Al's...er...Enormously Straight Jack's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. Enormously Straight Jack is driving the big gay animals out.]
ENORMOUSLY STRAIGHT JACK: Go on! Get outta here! I don't wanna see your big gay faces around here again, dammit! This isn't a big gay animal sanctuary anymore! It's gonna be an Enormously Straight Stripclub!
[The big gay animals look at Enormously Straight Jack with big gay sad eyes.]
ENORMOUSLY STRAIGHT JACK: No no no! Don't try any of that big gay animal hypnosis on me! I...I...(His voice changes back to Big Gay Al's.)...can't let any of you, my big gay animal friends, go out into the cold, cold world without...(His voice changes back to Enormously Straight Jack's)...a piece of hot lead between the eyes to warm ya!
[Enormously Straight Jack pulls a shotgun out from behind his back. All the big gay animals scatter.]
ENORMOUSLY STRAIGHT JACK: Now I gotta get me some dancers...
[Ext. view, South Park Main Street. Several big gay visitors are overseeing the people of South Park. The people all have energy shackles on their ankles. Some of them are building something while others are carrying materials over to the builders. The boys start to walk into the scene.]
STAN: Holy sh*t!
[The boys run behind City Hall.]
KYLE: What's going on, dude?
STAN: The big gay visitors must be taking over South Park!
CARTMAN: What are we gonna do, you gahs? I can't stand all that big gay homosexual health food they eat all the tahm! Ah'll waste away!
STAN: Get a hold of yourself, Cartman! You need to calm down.
CARTMAN: B-but the health food! The horror! The horror!
KYLE: Goddammit, Cartman! Eat something, you fat moron!
CARTMAN: Ay!
[Cartman reaches into his big gay shirt and pulls out a box of Happy Tarts and starts eating them.]
STAN: Happy Tarts?
KYLE: Where did you get those, Cartman?
KENNY: Mnnmnmn m nmnnmmnnm nmnnmn mnnmn nmmnmn.
KYLE: Oh, so his mom got them on the set of that movie?
KENNY: Mm-mnm.
KYLE: Oh.
STAN: We've got to come up with a plan. I know! I'll ask my dad! He's really smart!
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.) Oh, yeah, Stan. Your dad's a real genius, all right.
STAN: Shut up, Cartman! What has your dad done!?
CARTMAN: Well, she...Goddamn, Ah hate you, Stan.
[Stan goes to the corner of City Hall and stick his head around. Mr. Marsh is conveniently nearby.]
STAN: (Whispering.) Psst! Dad!
MR. MARSH: Huh?
[Mr. Marsh looks around.]
STAN: (Whispering.) Over here.
[Mr. Marsh still can't find Stan.]
STAN: (To himself.) Dammit.
[Stan bends down, picks up some snow, makes a snowball, and clobbers Mr. Marsh in the back of the head. Mr. Marsh turns around to see Stan.]
MR. MARSH: (Whispering.) Stanley! What are you doing here!?
STAN: (Whispering.) We're going to try to rescue you, Dad. Can you set up a diversion for us?
MR. MARSH: (Whispering.) Yeah, I think I can, son.
STAN: (Whispering.) Killer! Be careful, Dad.
MR. MARSH: (Whispering.) I know; the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, the Bible said so.
STAN: (Whispering.) Yeeeeah. About that, Dad...
[Jesus, in big gay clothes and energy shackles, shuffles by.]
JESUS: (Whispering.) He's right, Stan.
[Jesus shuffles away.]
MR. MARSH: (Whispering.) Leave everything to me, son.
[Mr. Marsh shuffles over to the big gay visitors.]
MR. MARSH: Um...excuse me?
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: What, slave?
MR. MARSH: (Pointing.) Look over there! It's a big, naked man's ass!
[The big gay visitors turn to look. All the people of South Park shuffle away while they do.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: Hey! There's no ass over there! You lied to us, sla...
[The big gay visitors turn back around to where Mr. Marsh was standing. They just stand there for a moment.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: We're gonna be in deep sh*t.
[Cut to behind City Hall. The people of South Park are all gathered behind it.]
STAN: OK, now you've all got to hide someplace where no one in South Park would ever go.
KYLE: Yeah! That way the big gay visitors will never find you!
MRS. MARSH: Well, where should we go?
[Ext. view, South Park Public Library.]
[Int. view, South Park Public Library. The boys and the rest of the people of South Park are gathered inside.]
MRS. MARSH: Who would have guessed?
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: I know! I never knew we even had a public library!
[Stan climbs up onto a table.]
STAN: OK. Everyone just stay here! We'll go get help!
[The boys exit.]
[Ext. view, a big snow field. The boys are walking through.]
KYLE: Dude! I thought that Big Gay Al said he couldn't help us?
STAN: I know but we've got to try again. He's the only one who's encountered the big gay visitors before. Maybe he remembers some weakness they have?
CARTMAN: You gahs, Ah have got to get mah clothes changed back fast! These leather pants are startin' to chafe me all over!
KYLE: That's because you're so f*cking fat, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Go to Hell, you big gay homosexual clothes wearin' freak!
KYLE: You're wearing the same clothes, you retard!
[The boys arrive at Enormously Straight Jack's Enormously Straight Stripclub. Kenny looks up at the sign and cheers.]
STAN: What the...!?
KYLE: What is this, Stan?
STAN: I'll tell you what this is: This is pretty f*cked up right here.
KYLE: Maybe we should go inside.
[The boys start to go inside.]
CARTMAN: Hey! This looks like the same kinda place mah mom said she first worked at!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Int. view, Enormously Straight Jack's Enormously Straight Stripclub. It's filled with the typical stripclub type music from movies. There are few guys sitting around at the tables, watching the dancers. The air is filled with smoke.]
KYLE: Dude! This place totally sucks!
STAN: (Pointing to Big Gay Al...er...Enormously Straight Jack.) Hey! There he is!
[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman start to go over to Enormously Straight Jack. Kenny just stays where he's standing, staring up at the stage. A waitress starts to walk through, trips over Kenny, and spills several drinks on him. Kenny is now soaked and standing a puddle.]
WAITRESS: Oh no! I've spilled Mr. McCormick's scotch! He's gonna be pissed!
[The waitress runs back to the bar.]
MR. MCCORMICK: Hey! Where's my scotch, bitch!?
WAITRESS: (Off screen.) Coming right up, Mr. McCormick!
MR. MCCORMICK: (To himself.) It damn well better be.
[Mr. McCormick takes a long drag on a cigarette and flicks it, still lit, away. The camera follows the cigarette as it flies through the air and lands in the puddle at Kenny's feet. The puddle ignites and sets Kenny on fire. Kenny starts running around in a panic. Finally, he falls down, dead but still burning. Mr. McCormick gets up from his seat and stomps the fire out. The entire time, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman have been watching on with stunned looks on their faces.]
STAN: Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
CARTMAN: At least he doesn't hafta wear those big gay homosexual clothes anymore. He's gone on to a better place now.
KYLE: Shut up, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah'll kick your ass!
[A very large bouncer comes over to Cartman.]
BOUNCER: Is there a problem here, sir?
CARTMAN: Uh...no, Sir. No problem.
BOUNCER: Then keep your fat ass shut.
CARTMAN: (Straining to keep from yelling.) Y-yes...Sir.
[The boys go over to Enormously Straight Jack.]
STAN: Big Gay Al! You've got to help us!
ENORMOUSLY STRAIGHT JACK: Big Gay Al's dead, kid.
STAN: What!?
ENORMOUSLY STRAIGHT JACK: I said, "Big Gay Al's dead." There's only Enormously Straight Jack now. Big Gay Al died when the big gay visitors took his gayness away. He was living in denial the whole time.
KYLE: That's a bunch of bullsh*t!
ENORMOUSLY STRAIGHT JACK: What!?
STAN: Kyle's right, Big Gay Al.
ENORMOUSLY STRAIGHT JACK: No! I'm Enormously Straight Jack, I tell you!
STAN: Now you're the one living in denial. There's no way the big gay visitors could have taken your gayness away! It's part of who you are. If you lose that, then there is no you. There can't even be an opposite of who you were because, without your gayness, you can't have straightness to counteract it! You ARE Big Gay Al. He's still inside there; I know it. Let him out, Enormously Straight Jack. Let him out.
ENORMOUSLY STRAIGHT JACK: Y-you're right. I've been fooling myself. It's time to go back...
[Enormously Straight Jack goes into a back room and comes right back out.]
BIG GAY AL: Stanley! It's so super to see you! How are you doing?
STAN: Fine. How are you?
BIG GAY AL: I'm super and 100% big and gay again! I can't thank you enough, boys!
KYLE: We've got to get back to South Park and stop the big gay visitors!
STAN: He's right. Will you help us, Big Gay Al?
BIG GAY AL: Yes, Stanley. I will. I'll be right back.
[Big Gay Al goes back into the back room. After a few seconds, he comes back out, wearing lavender, sea green, salmon, and turquoise war paint on his face.]
BIG GAY AL: Let's go kick some big gay visitor butt!
STAN AND KYLE: Hooray!
CARTMAN: Ah bet he doesn't just wanna kick their butts.
[Stan punches Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Ay!
[Ext. view, South Park Public Library.]
[Int. view, South Park Public Library. The number of people has decreased quite noticeably. There are several gnawed-on skeletons over in a corner.]
MAYOR: I can't believe we resorted to cannibalism again.
JIMBO: Now, Mayor, we did what we had to to survive. It was either them or us.
MAYOR: But those boys have only been gone for ten minutes and we ate thirty-three people!
[The boys and Big Gay Al enter.]
MRS. MARSH: Stan, where's Kenny?
STAN: They killed him.
MRS. MARSH: Who? Those aliens?
STAN: No, they.
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Who is "they?"
KYLE: The bastards.
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Watch your language, young man!
[Stan jumps up onto a table again.]
STAN: OK, listen, everybody! We can beat these big gay visitors! We can't let them take South Park from us!
MAN: Well, what'll we do?
STAN: I've brought my friend, Big Gay Al. He's encountered the big gay visitors before. He can help us!
[Big Gay Al gets up on the table.]
BIG GAY AL: I know how we can drive these big gay visitors back into space!
JIMBO: How? Our Earth weapons are useless again them!
[A general murmur goes throughout the crowd.]
BIG GAY AL: It is true that our weapons can't hurt them but the people of South Park possess something far more damaging to the likes of these big gay visitors.
NED: mmmm...What is it...mmmmm?
BIG GAY AL: It's the close-mindedness and resistance to change that you've always shown to those different than yourselves!
MAN: Shut up, ya f*ckin' queer!
BIG GAY AL: That's what I'm talking about right there! If you can use that against the big gay visitors, they'll leave for sure and South Park, and maybe even the world, will be saved.
[The crowd cheers.]
MAYOR: Speech! Speech!
BIG GAY AL: Well, I'm not much for speeches...
CROWD: (In unison.) Aw, come on! Be a sport!
BIG GAY AL: Oh, all right.
[The crowd cheers.]
BIG GAY AL: In less than an hour, people from here will be joining others from around South Park and you will be launching the largest battle in the history of South Park. South Park...those words should have a new meaning for all us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences any more. We will be united in our common interest. Perhaps, it is fate that today is Tuesday and you will be fighting for our freedom. Not from Tyranny, Depression, or Persecution, but from Annihilation. We're fighting for our right to live, to exist! And should we win today, Tuesday will no longer be known as just another weekday, but as the day when South Park declared in one voice we will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today...we celebrate our Independence Gay!
[The crowd goes into wild cheers.]
BIG GAY AL: Now, let's go out there and kick some big gay visitor ass!!
JIMBO: C'mon, everyone! Let's use our close-mindedness and ignorance as the weapons of our freedom!
[The crowd cheers again and rushes out of the library, leaving Big Gay Al, Stan, and Kyle.]
STAN: I knew you could do it, Big Gay Al!
BIG GAY AL: I owe it all to you boys. Without your faith in me, I couldn't have rediscovered my gayness. Thank you so much.
KYLE: Where's Cartman?
[Cartman enters, wearing iron underwear.]
CARTMAN: Let's see those big gay homosexual visitors anal probe this!
KYLE: I thought you never had an anal probe, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Ah...uh...that is...Ah...No! Ah never had an anal probe! Ah just wanna make sure Ah don't get one now.
[The Underpants Gnomes music starts playing. Two Underpants Gnomes come in, collect Cartman's iron underwear, and leave.]
CARTMAN: Ay! Those pussies stoles mah anal-probe-proof pants!
UNDERPANTS GNOME #1: Up yours, pussy!
CARTMAN: You sons-of-bitches!
[Cartman runs off screen after them. Big Gay Al, Stan, and Kyle just look on.]
STAN: So...I...uh...guess we should go.
KYLE: Right.
[The three of them walk off in the direction Cartman ran.]
[Ext. view, in front of City Hall. The citizens of South Park are trying to fight the big gay visitors, unsuccessfully. Big Gay Al and the boys walk into the scene.]
STAN: What the Hell!?
CARTMAN: We're getting our asses kicked!
[Jesus' mangled body flies in and lands at their feet.]
KYLE: Jesus! Are you all right!?
JESUS: (Delirious.) Forgive them, Father; they know not what they do.
[Jesus passes out.]
STAN: What are going to do, Big Gay Al?
BIG GAY AL: I made arrangements should something like this happen, Stanley.
[Big Gay Al reaches into his big gay shirt and pulls out a big gay pink cell phone. He dials it.]
BIG GAY AL: Yes. South Park needs you. All right. See you soon. Bye-bye!
[He hangs up and puts the big gay cell phone back in his big gay shirt.]
KYLE: Who did you call, Big Gay Al?
BIG GAY AL: Someone who's so against change and is so close-minded, the big gay visitors won't have a chance against him.
CARTMAN: Who's that?
VOICE: (Off screen.) That's me, son.
[The camera turns to show Bob Dole. He's wearing his usual dark blue suit and holding a pen in his right hand.]
BOB DOLE: That's right: Bob Dole. Bob Dole will get rid of these big gay visitors.
[Bob Dole walks into the middle of the fight.]
BOB DOLE: Bob Dole says you should get your big gay alien asses out of this town right now!
[The big gay visitors look at each other, turn to Bob Dole, and fire their clothes transmogrifying rays at Bob Dole. Bob Dole is engulfed by green light. When it finally fades, his clothes are still the same.]
BOB DOLE: What the Hell did you think that would do? You can't change Bob Dole. Bob Dole doesn't change for anybody. Bob Dole is stuck in the past, dammit. Here, let Bob Dole show you what Bob Dole will do when Bob Dole is President of the United States.
[Bob Dole hands the big gay visitors some pamphlets. The big gay visitors look at the pamphlets, panic, and run back into their pods. The doors on the pods close and the pods shoot back off into space. A green light covers all of South Park and the citizens' clothes return to normal. Bob Dole goes over to Big Gay Al and the kids.]
BOB DOLE: Well, it looks like Bob Dole's work here is done. Time for Bob Dole to go back home. See you around, queer.
[Bob Dole exits.]
BIG GAY AL: Good-bye, Bobby! Peace be with you! Well, boys, it looks like South Park is safe again.
STAN: What will you do now, Big Gay Al?
BIG GAY AL: Well, Stanley, I have to find all my big gay animal friends and try to undo the damage that awful Enormously Straight Jack did.
KYLE: Are you going to go back to your big gay animal sanctuary?
BIG GAY AL: I don't think so, Kyle. It's been sullied too much by Enormously Straight Jack's straightness. I'll probably have to build a new big gay animal sanctuary. Well, I'd better go. Good-bye, boys! Peace be with you!
[Big Gay Al exits.]
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Bye, Big Gay Al!
STAN: Good luck finding your big gay animals!
CARTMAN: You know somethin', you gahs? Ah think Ah learned somethin' today.
KYLE: You? Really?
CARTMAN: Yeah. Ah learned that sometahms people can lose sight of who they really are and, when that happens, they can become somethin' that they're not just so they don't feel so bad.
KYLE: Wow. That...that was amazing, dude!
STAN: Hey! What's that in your hand, Cartman?
[Cartman puts his hands behind his back.]
CARTMAN: What? Oh, nothin'.
STAN: No, what is it!?
CARTMAN: Nothing, dammit!
[Kyle snatches a piece of paper from Cartman's hand.]
CARTMAN: Ay! That's mah private property, you damn dirty thievin' Jew!
[Kyle looks at the paper.]
KYLE: Cartman! You had that whole thing written down on this piece of paper!
CARTMAN: So?
KYLE: So, this isn't even your writing; it's Stan's!
STAN: I knew that sounded familiar! Cartman, you f*cking thief! You stole that out of my notebook at school, didn't you!?
CARTMAN: Uh...
STAN: You told me you needed to see my notes, you asshole!
CARTMAN: Well, Ah...
[Stan roshambos Cartman. Cartman falls into the snow.]
STAN: Let's go, Kyle. I think it's almost time for Terrance and Phillip.
[Stan and Kyle start to exit the scene. Stan kicks Cartman in the ribs before they leave.]
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) See...you in...Hell...Stan Marsh.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison's room. The camera is facing the class. They all have pissed/unamused looks on their faces, except for Cartman who looks rather happy.]
KYLE: Goddamn. This is f*cking weak.
CARTMAN: Ah don' know, you gahs; Ah thinks it's pretty coo'.
[The camera turns to show Mr. Durp at the front of the classroom wearing a puppet that looks like Mr. Hat, except without the hat and wearing a scarf.]
MR. DURP: OK, kiddies! We're going to have all kinds fun today with our friend, Mr. Scarf! Durp!
MR. SCARF: How are you, Mr. Durp?
MR. DURP: I'm just wonderful, Mr. Scarf! Say, I'll bet these kids are just having the greatest time learning with us!
MR. SCARF: That's right, Mr. Durp! If you like Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat, you'll love Mr. Durp and Mr. Scarf! Durp!
MR. DURP: Are there any questions?
[Kyle raises his hand.]
MR. DURP: Yes, little green-hatted boy?
KYLE: Where the Hell is Mr. Garrison?
[The room falls into silence.]
[Ext. view, outer space. There is a big gay visitor ship hovering in place.]
[Int. view, the big gay visitors' ship. The interior is decorated just like Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. There are several big gay visitors lounging around.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: Would you like some carrot cake?
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: Oh! I really should be watching my figure...oh...what the Hell? Sure!
[Big Gay Visitor #1 claps his hands twice.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: Slave, come!
[Mr. Garrison, dressed like Princess Leia on Jabba's sail barge from Return Of The Jedi, enters. Mr. Hat is dressed the same way.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Master?
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: Get us some carrot cake, slave!
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Master.
[Mr. Garrison turns to leave. As he is doing so, Big Gay Visitor #2 lifts up the back of Mr. Garrison's loincloth thing.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: Man! That's one sweet ass, for an earthling!
MR. HAT: (To Mr. Garrison.) I'll bet you think you're in Heaven now, don't you?
[End song and credits.]
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