KYLE BROSLOFSKI THE KENNY MYSTERY
The second script by Kyle that's here at Fanflux. Even though it was submitted in HTML format, it's plain text. Ah well. It's funny and original, so read it. Feedback to kyle__broslofski@hotmail.com.
[Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Sheila, and Kenny are at the front of the school]
SHEILA: So, Kenny, why do you always wear that hood?
KENNY: {I don't know}
STAN: Why don't you take it off?
KENNY: {Umm, no dude! I'm not like that!}
STAN: The *hood*!!!
KENNY: {I don't really know...I guess I *should* sometime....How about tomorrow?}
EVERYONE: OK.
KYLE: We'll meet here?
KENNY: {OK}
[The next day]
[Everyone is back at the school]
CARTMAN: [whines] Hurry up! I want my Cheesy Poofs, and I can't get them until I can go home!
STAN: Shut up, fatass!
CARTMAN: AY!!!
KYLE: Kenny? You may proceed!
KENNY: {Drumroll, please!}
[Drumroll]
[Kenny turns around, so he's not facing the group. He takes off the hood, but before he can turn back around so everyone can see his face, a computer flies out a classroom window. It lands on Kenny, completely splattering him]
VOICE IN SCHOOL: There! That's what *I* think of Windows <BLEEP>ING 98!!!! Bill Gates can clean my asshole with a toothbrush!
STAN: Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
CARTMAN: Eh, he'll be back. He always is!
[Two weeks later]
[In front of school]
STAN: Dude, I'm really worried about Kenny! He didn't come back last week, and I still don't see him anywhere!
CARTMAN: Maybe his family finally ended up selling him to pay off their bills!
KYLE: Shut up, Cartman! This *is* strange. He should have been back by now!
CARTMAN: Well, maybe the planets aligned in such a way that Venus reflected the green death rays of Mars, causing Jupiter to implode and the Sailor Scouts to get pissed off and...
STAN: Cartman? What the hell are you talking about?
SHEILA: Well, anyway, how about if we wait a while and see what happens here? I mean, Kenny *always* comes back. There's no reason why he wouldn't! I think he'll be back before we know it...
[Twenty Years Later]
[Stan and Kyle, now about 28 years old are in the bar, talking. They look basically the same, surprisingly--of course, their voices are deeper]
KYLE: Yeah, dude, and that's how it all happened. Ever since then, Kenny hasn't returned!
STAN: Dude! *Now* I remember it all! You know, I have this feeling that something just isn't right. Something is preventing Kenny from returning. I'm sure he's supposed to, but something is standing in the way. But, what it is, I just don't know!
KYLE: I can't figure it out either. Kenny is our friend, and we have to get him back. How? As I said, I have no idea whatsoever. But, I think for now, we should get some more help on this. Maybe we're missing an important detail that someone else can clue us in on.
STAN: Who?
KYLE: Sheila, for one. And, even though I'm sure this is like setting up my own death here, I think we'll also have to get Cartman to help.
STAN: Dude! Where have those two been, anyway? I haven't seen them in about 5 years, since they got married and then went off on some trip.
KYLE: [heads off to telephone] Well, here goes...
[In the bar, by the phone]
STAN: Dude, are you *sure* you really wanna do this?
KYLE: I guess I have to. We really may need all the help we can get.
[Kyle dials the phone. It rings a bit.]
[We hear Cartman answer the phone]
CARTMAN: Hello?
KYLE: Hello, fatass!
CARTMAN: AY!!! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!?! You're not some sickass telemarketer trying to sell me some of that V8 stuff, are you?
KYLE: No, fatass! It's me Kyle. Dur, Cartman!
CARTMAN: [whining] Go away! [off phone] Sheila, your scary weird cousin is being an asshole!
[Sheila picks up the phone]
SHEILA: Kyle, what the hell do you want? If you're just calling here to bother Cartman....
KYLE: Well, hello to you too!
SHEILA: *Hello* Kyle! You happy now? Now, why are you calling here?
KYLE: Can't a person call just to say hi and have a nice day?
SHEILA: All right, Kyle. What do you want?
KYLE: What makes you think I want something?
SHEILA: You wouldn't call to say hi and to have a nice day unless you wanted me to do you a favor. So, what do you want?
KYLE: I want you and Cartman to come back to South Park.
SHEILA: Why?
KYLE: It's very, very important. I can't exactly talk about it now.
SHEILA: [sighs] Well...maybe....but....
KYLE: But, what?
SHEILA: THIS HAD BETTER BE REALLY <BLEEP>ING IMPORTANT! I *don't* like when my business trips are interrupted, and if there isn't an important enough reason for me to come back to South Park, let's just say I won't be little miss happy cheery sunshine.
KYLE: Well, this *is* very important. So, you two *please* come home!
SHEILA: OK, OK. We'll be in South Park tomorrow at noon!
[The next day, almost noon]
[Airport. Stan and Kyle are sitting in a waiting area. A giant box is next to Kyle. Many other people are just hurrying around in the background]
STAN: Dude! It's almost noon! Are you *sure* they're actually gonna fly in from wherever the hell they've been hiding out? Maybe they said they were gonna come home just to get you to shut up and leave them alone!
KYLE: I don't think that Sheila would do that. Cartman, maybe. Sheila, no. If he tries any weird stuff, she'd probably talk some sense into him.
STAN: True. But, Kyle, why on earth do you have that big box with you?
KYLE: It's Cheesy Poofs and Snacky Cakes. For fatass. You see, we have to be nice to him, or else Sheila will get really pissed off, and they'll be back on the very next plane that heads outta here.
STAN: Dude! It absolutely amazes me that Sheila is actually still *alive*! Marrying fatass is like writing your own death sentence!
KYLE: Well, she isn't exactly the most normal person....
VOICE: Who, may I ask, isn't the most normal person?
KYLE: Sheila.
[He turns around and sees Sheila, the voice, standing behind him. She, too, looks basically the same as she always did, only older--duh!]
KYLE: SHEILA! You scared me! Hello! Welcome home!
SHEILA: Hey, Kyle! Hey, Stan! Well, what's so important? I've got about 15 minutes before the return flight. Cartman's buying the tickets right now....
KYLE: WHAT?!?! You're *leaving*?!? You just got here! You can't *leave*!!!!!!
SHEILA: I don't take orders from *anybody*! If you think you can boss me around I'll kick your <bleep>ing ass!
STAN: Well, I see you haven't changed much, Sheila!
KYLE: [sighs] Sheila, I'd really appreciate it if you could stay a bit more. At *least* for a week or two. Or until we solve the problem. Please?
SHEILA: Well, if you put it that way, then OK! But this had better be very important! Now, I'm just gonna go and get Cartman, and then we can discuss your little problem.
[Sheila walks off]
[She returns in a bit with Cartman, who is whining]
CARTMAN: I don't wanna stay in this stupid hippie town with all these stupid hippies! I wanna leeeeeeeaaaaavvvvvveeeeee!!!!!
SHEILA: Don't worry Cartman. If the peanut gallery makes any comments....
KYLE: Oh, dearest friend Eric, here are some Cheesy Poofs and Snacky Cakes for you!
[Kyle hands Cartman the box]
CARTMAN: AY! I don't wanna hear no shit from tree-hugging....HUH????
SHEILA: Kyle, did someone run over your head with a Mack truck?
KYLE: No. I'm just being nice to my dearest friend Eric.
CARTMAN: Seriously, I'm getting scared here!
SHEILA: Ok, ok. Let's just change the subject.
STAN: Sheila, Cartman, what have you two been doing for five years?
SHEILA: We were on a business trip.
KYLE: Really? What business?
CARTMAN: Why would I tell a crack-smoking llama like you? None of your business, you son of a bitch!
SHEILA: And, you two? What were you guys up to?
KYLE: Me and Stan are working on this cartoon. It started out as a short little thing that was very successful on the Internet, and now a major network might actually pick it up as an actual tv show!
CARTMAN: It's about a bunch of hippies, no doubt.
SHEILA: Stan, where's Wendy?
STAN: She's on a business trip. She's working on preserving the rainforest.
[Cartman starts laughing hysterically]
SHEILA: Stan, get your ass on an airplane, right now! How stupid can you be?
STAN: What on earth are you talking about, Sheila?
SHEILA: You were supposed to go with Wendy! Duh, Stan! Are you completely braindead?
STAN: Dude! Why would I want to go with her on a business trip?
SHEILA: Business trips are never actually business trips. You see, people who say they're really on business trips are actually lying. There's no such thing as a business trip. Those trips are actually for, well, *you know*! So, the only business Wendy had in mind was with *you*!
[silence]
STAN: Oh.
[silence]
SHEILA: Well, what did you guys want that was so important?
KYLE: Do you remember Kenny?
CARTMAN: Dude! I *hate* that guy! All Teletubbies like him are sons of bitches!
STAN: Dude! What the hell are you talking about?
KYLE: No, Cartman, Kenny isn't a Teletubby! Kenny was our *friend*!
SHEILA: Kyle, aren't you a bit too old to have imaginary friends?
STAN: Oh, my God! They forgot Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
SHEILA: I don't remember any Kenny. As far as I know, it was only us four, ever since I first came to South Park.
STAN: Dude! This is seriously <bleep>ed up here! Remember how I forgot all about Kenny? The same thing must've happened here!
KYLE: Dude! You're right! I only remembered when I looked at an old picture I found just the other day!
SHEILA: HEY! WILL SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON HERE????
KYLE: Well, we used to have a friend, named Kenny, who died every week and came back the next. He was immortal or something. Well, one week, after he took off his hood to show us what he really looked like, he died and he hasn't ever come back since then! Don't you remember? Orange parka, never took off hood, made perverted comments all the time? We got you guys to come back to try to bring Kenny back. He's just not supposed to die permanently!
SHEILA: DUDE! Yeah! *NOW* I remember! You say he died after taking off the hood? Well, maybe his immortality lies within the hood!
KYLE: That's a good possibility, but that doesn't explain why we all forgot about Kenny! I think there's something else going on...something...PARANORMAL!
[Dramatic music]
[Fade out. Fade in to a short girl with blonde hair, blue eyes, no glasses, wearing a blue-green tanktop, white shorts, and blue-green shiny platform sandals. She's typing at a computer--Hey, I *had* to appear in one of my fanfics sooner or later! Kenny is standing behind her, reading the fanfic on the computer screen]
KENNY: {Hello in there! It's called the *KENNY* mystery! We got themystery, but where the <bleep> is the *KENNY*!!!!!}
JESS: Geez, don't sweat it, dude! You're gonna be in the next part!
KENNY: {I'd better be. And, couldn't you put me in something more *interesting*?}
JESS: Hey! Give me a break! It gets better! I *have* to give them the weird background information, or else they'll be completely lost!
KENNY: {Yeah, whatever. Just make Part 3 *BETTER*! And, include *ME*!}
[In a car, that is speeding madly through South Park. Sheila is driving. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are passengers, terrified passengers.]
SHEILA: Well, Kyle, where can we find Kenny's hood? Since that may be the answer to our problems. I wanna get outta here and back to wherever so me and Cartman can resume our business.
KYLE: I don't...AAAHHH!!!!!
[Car crashes into a hot dog stand]
KYLE: Sheila! What the <bleep> are you doing to my car?!? Quit driving like that!
SHEILA: [lost in thought] Driving like what?
KYLE: First of all, the speed limit is 35 mph. *35*! *NOT 90*!!! You're not Speed Racer! Second of all, you can't drive on the sidewalk. Third of all, this isn't bumper cars. You're not supposed to crash into everything under the sun!
SHEILA: THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!!! THAT'S IT!
STAN: What are you talking about? What's the elementa-AAAAHHHH!!!!!
[Sheila drives the car down the sidewalk, knocking over mailboxes, crashing into cars parked by the side of the road, and running over a few people here and there]
[In about 10 seconds, they reach the school]
STAN: What was that all about?
SHEILA: The hood! It has to be here somewhere! After all, didn't Kyle say that Kenny took his hood off, here by this window?
KYLE: Yeah, but I doubt...
[Sheila surveys the area by the window. She sees the hood, hiding under a bush, and picks it up]
SHEILA: AHA! Here it is!
CARTMAN: Eh, what's that?
[He points at a little white piece of paper that fell out of the hood as Sheila picked it up. Stan picks up the paper. We can see it's ripped, yellowed, and has smeared unintelligible writing on it]
STAN: Beware....
KYLE: What?
STAN: Beware! I can read only one word on this thing, and it says "Beware!"
KYLE: Dude! That's strange!
SHEILA: I doubt it means anything. It could be some homework paper of Kenny's that he put in his hood. It could be a page of a book. Anything. It's a piece of paper, for crying out loud! Don't look too deep into it!
KYLE: Well, we're taking the hood, and the paper, just in case. Let's all go home and get some rest for a while. If we're gonna solve this thing, we gotta be ready for whatever happens. I have a really strange feeling about this.
CARTMAN: I have a strange feeling too. I feel like...mayonnaise...and...watching tv, minding my own business....when some guy....marches on in and throws some......pizza at my TV....
[Silence]
CARTMAN: Eh, forget it.
[The Broslofski House]
[Stan, Sheila, and Cartman are all on the couch, watching TV. There isn't much light in the room. We see a shadow come up from behind the couch. The shadow is holding a rolling pin. The shadow is about to hit Cartman on the head with the rolling pin]
SHEILA: Where on earth is...[turns around a bit, and sees shadow dude] AAAAHHHH!!!
[Sheila grabs the rolling pin and hits the shadow over the head with it. Stan turns on the lights. The shadow is Kyle]
KYLE: Owwww!
SHEILA: KYLE!!!!!!!
WHAT THE <BLEEP> WERE YOU TRYING TO DO?!?!? *KILL*
CARTMAN?!?!?!? WHAT THE HELL HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU??? ARE YOU
ABSOLUTELY INSANE?!?!?!
KYLE: What are you talking about?
SHEILA: I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!
[Sheila is about to hit Kyle again with the rolling pin]
STAN: Whoa, Sheila! Calm down here! Let him talk.
SHEILA: OK, OK. Say what you gotta say. But, be warned that you're now at the top of my hate list!
KYLE: Sheila, seriously, I don't know what happened! I mean, one minute, I was upstairs, trying to get some sleep, the next minute, you're hitting me on the head with a rolling pin!
SHEILA: *KYLE*! You were gonna attack Cartman! You're absolutely *INSANE*!
KYLE: What?!? I *was*? Why? How? I...I...just don't remember.....
STAN: Dude! This is pretty <bleep>ed up here!
[Stan takes the rolling pin from Sheila and puts it under the couch]
STAN: This doesn't seem right...something's going on, and it all doesn't add up.
SHEILA: Well, there's no
adding involved, as far as I'm concerned. *That* was it!
Now it's time for a little subtraction. Tomorrow me and
Cartman are leaving. I'm not staying here, taking this kind
of stuff. *That* was totally *AWFUL*!!!! Me and Cartman are
going to get some sleep, and tomorrow
we're leaving. For good.
[Cartman and Sheila go upstairs]
STAN: Dude, Kyle. I'm concerned about you!
KYLE: Dude! I'm telling the truth! You gotta believe me! I was totally not aware of what I was doing!
STAN: Do you wanna watch some Terrance & Phillip? They have a marathon on tonight.
[A few hours go by. The digital clock on the TV changed from 3:12 AM to 3:13. All of the sudden, there is some screaming, and Cartman and Sheila run down the stairs. They are both terrified]
STAN: *DUDE*!
SHEILA: [hysterically] It's after us! We gotta leave! All of us! *NOW*!!! It's coming!
KYLE: What? What's going on here?
CARTMAN: It's...it's gonna kill us or something!
STAN: What is "it"?
SHEILA: I don't know! I really can't say. We saw it, but I don't remember it at all! It's just after us. 13! 13, 13, 13!
KYLE: 13?
CARTMAN: 13!
KYLE: What about 13!
CARTMAN: I don't know! It said, "Beware of 13!"
STAN: *BEWARE*?!?!
[He takes out the paper. He opens it up, and sees the paper now says, "Beware of 13!"]
STAN: *Dude*!
[All of the sudden, Stan sort of snaps into some strange trance. His voice comes out as one of those ominous evil voices]
STAN: Get out now before it's too late! Forget the hooded child, before you wind up dead. 13 will have vengeance! BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!!!!
[Stan snaps out of it]
STAN: What just happened here? Did I just *say* that? How? I don't know what the hell that meant, but whatever it is, it doesn't seem to pleasant.
SHEILA: Ok. I've figured one thing out. Something evil is after us. Something evil that seems to have some sort of personal vendetta against Kenny. This evil thingy is probably the cause of Kenny's non-returning. And of our totally forgetting about Kenny. It makes Kyle turn psycho, pesters me and Cartman, and makes us all say weirdass things. It has something to do with 13, and it totally pisses me off! But, there's one person who may be able to help us here.
CARTMAN: Who's that?
SHEILA: Kenny, of course!
STAN: What?!?!
SHEILA: We'll hold a seance! Try to get in touch with Kenny!
KYLE: Sheila, that stuff doesn't work!
SHEILA: Normally, I'd say that. But, of what's been going on around here, I'm not exactly about to doubt *ANYTHING*! I wouldn't be surprised if some guy just marched right on in here at this moment and turned us all into potatoes!
KYLE: True. You do have a point. So, you're staying for a while longer?
SHEILA: Yeah. It's not your fault, Kyle. It's some evil unknown bitchy thingy. So, sorry if I gave you a concussion or permanent brain damage or totally screwed up your head with that rolling pin. I'll be more considerate next time.
STAN: So, tomorrow we're gonna try to get in touch with the dead. How pleasant.
SHEILA: Well, I know it's not exactly daisies and roses, but it *may* un-screw up everything! We'll just have to wait until tomorrow to find out!
CARTMAN: Eh, I want some Snacky Cakes!
[Silence]
[Fade out. Fade in to me at my computer, with Kenny reading the fanfic]
KENNY: {I thought you said I'd be in this part!!! Now, don't be screwing around here! You promised!}
JESS: Well, sor*RY*! You make your appearance during the seance! That's all I'm gonna say!
KENNY: {Appearance?!? That word doesn't sound plural...}
JESS: Oh, don't worry! It's not called the *Kenny* mystery for nothing! You're gonna *definitely* gonna be in the next part. So, what do you think of this fanfic, otherwise?
KENNY: {I *guess* it's OK}
JESS: I *HOPE* it's OK! Or, better yet, I hope it's *GOOD*!!!!
[Broslofski House]
[About 5:00 in the morning]
[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are all asleep on the couch. Sheila is still awake, eating coffee beans. The phone rings. Sheila goes over to answer the phone]
SHEILA: Hello, you've reached the Broslofski residence. You better have a good reason in calling here at this time.
EVIL VOICE ON PHONE: Ahahahaha! Umm, do I sound ominous enough? No? Ahem! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!--Ok, that's better! Since you haven't given up your search for the truth, I am coming to get all of you!
SHEILA: [terrified] WHOAREYOU???
EVIL: You cannot escape! I am coming to kill all of you right now! Well, not right now. Maybe in an hour or two. There's a really great Hallmark Hall Of Fame movie on right now that I really wanna see, so I'm gonna come to mutilate all of you bastards when that's over. So, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! You shall be my revenge on everyone! There's no way to escape! YOUR FATE IS SEALED!!!!! 13 is having vengeance!
[Evil voice hangs up on other end. Sheila stares into space and blinks. Then, she totally freaks out]
SHEILA: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! AAAAHHHH! AAAAAHHHH!! AAAAHHHH!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!! OHMYGOD!!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!!!! AAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!
[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman look up, still half asleep]
SHEILA: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: [scared totally awake] AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
CARTMAN: Sheila! Are you all right?
SHEILA: No! None of us are! That evil dude that has something to do with that 13 thing and Kenny's permanent death just called here! He's gonna kill us when the Hallmark movie is over!
STAN: Dude! What are we supposed to do?
KYLE: Hey, what if we try to get in touch with Kenny? Those movies are pretty long, so maybe Kenny will be able to help us in time!
CARTMAN: It had better work. No way am I gonna let some guy with a goatee march on in here...umm, and...make us step in a bucket...that's filled with...cottage cheese...and...squish it between our toes...as he shoves...mangos...up our asses...
KYLE: What?!?
CARTMAN: I'm just saying he's an asshole, that's all.
KYLE: Oh.
[About a half an hour later]
[Everyone is sitting around the kitchen table. There's a crystal ball and a telephone in the middle of the table. Sheila is dressed up like a fortune teller, and she's chewing on more coffee beans. There's a little smoke machine near the table, and magenta smoke is coming out of it. The room is completely decorated like one of those fortune teller places]
STAN: Sheila, don't you think you're overdoing it, just a *little*?
SHEILA: Hey! Do you wanna die? No? I thought so! So, shut up and listen to me! I *know* what I'm doing here!
KYLE: What exactly are you doing?
SHEILA: How the hell should I know? OK, Stan, get the lights.
[Stan turns off the lights]
SHEILA: You are getting sleepy, very sleeeeepy!
KYLE: What?!?
SHEILA: Oopsie! Ok, *now* I know what I'm doing.
SHEILA: [in one of those German-ish fortune teller accents] Eeeeverybooody join hands. Clooooose zyour eyes. Look at zee creestal boool!
KYLE: What did you say? I can't really understand you!
SHEILA: [normal] Geez!! Everybody join hands. Close your <bleep>ing eyes. And look at the <bleep>ing crystal ball! Oy!
STAN: Dude! How could we look at the crystal ball if our eyes are closed?
SHEILA: Oh, right. We don't *need* the crystal ball. I'm not telling fortunes, I'm holding a seance. Forget the <bleep>ing crystal ball.
[Sound of glass breaking]
SHEILA: Ok. Everyone join hands and close your eyes. Meditate on Kenny. Picture Kenny. If you concentrate enough, he'll hear our thoughts and appear to us.
CARTMAN: If I meditate and picture some Cheesy Poofs, will they appear to me?
STAN AND KYLE: *Cartman*!
CARTMAN: Well, I was just wondering, you know?
STAN: Our lives are in stake here, and you're thinking about Cheesy Poofs?
CARTMAN: If I had a choice of dying hungry or dying with a full stomach, I'd prefer to die with a full stomach! And, what about steak?
KYLE: Shut up fatass!
SHEILA: Kyle! *You* shut up! I'll put a hex on you! If I could figure out how to.
STAN: Sheila, I never knew you were a witch or something.
SHEILA: I'm not. I really have no idea what I'm doing or what I'm talking about, but it's worth a shot, even though we're probably hopeless and nothing is gonna become of this!
STAN: Oh.
SHEILA: OK! Everyone concentrate on Kenny. Envision him. Let all our thoughts become one. Let Kenny hear our calls on the Telephone Of Destiny. Have him call us on the Telephone Of Destiny.
KYLE: Telephone of Destiny?
SHEILA: Yeah! That's why I put that telephone on the table. It's the Telephone of Destiny.
SHEILA: Now, *CONCENTRATE*!!!
[Silence]
STAN: Dude! I think it's sorta working. I can see Kenny! Wait a minute! What's that thing! A box of Cheesy Poofs?!?! *CARTMAN*!!! Cut it out, fatass!
[Cartman whines]
KYLE: Yeah, Cartman! You're screwing everything up here! Sheila, tell Cartman to cut it out!
SHEILA: Cartman, I know you
want some Cheesy Poofs now, but the Seance Spirit Dudes don't
really have any. So you can't get Cheesy Poofs by summoning
them during the seance. How about this? If you wait
until after the seance, *I'll* give you some Cheesy Poofs, and a
little something else
as well, if you catch my drift here...
CARTMAN: Heh heh! *SWEET*!
KYLE: Excuse me while I *BARF*!
SHEILA: Kyle, shut up. OK. Now, let's take it from the top. Think of Kenny. Talk to Kenny in your mind. Page him over the PA System of the Afterlife. Use the Megaphone of the Mind to tell him to get his ass over here! Use the Telephone Of Destiny!
[Silence for a bit. All of a sudden, an inhuman orange light appears above the table. The room is lit up with the light. Everyone has an orange glow to them. Kenny appears, floating above the table! Kenny is still his 8-year-old self.]
STAN: Oh, my God! We summoned Kenny!
KYLE: We're awesome!
SHEILA: So, Kenny, where have you been? Why haven't you returned? And why didn't you call us on the Telephone Of Destiny?
KENNY: {It's a curse!}
CARTMAN: I'm sorry I cursed at you, Kenny!
KENNY: {Not *that* kind of curse, you stupid fat <bleep>!}
SHEILA: Don't push your luck, little man! No one says you can't die twice!
KENNY: [sarcastically] {Gee, what a wonderful welcome I get! Dead for 20 years, and already I feel so welcome here!}
STAN, KYLE, SHEILA, AND CARTMAN: Sorry, Kenny.
KYLE: Well, what kind of curse? And what the hell is "13" supposed to be?
KENNY: {Well, you know that paper you found in my hood?}
STAN: Yeah.
KENNY: {OK. That paper is the cause of the curse!}
SHEILA: But, who put the curse on the paper? And, why a piece of paper in a jacket?
KENNY: {Well, it started out a long time ago, with a young man, with many dreams and ambitions. This young man would look with wonder at the little slips of paper in his clothing--the inspection slips that are put there to say clothes are of good quality. He'd see, "Inspected by 4" or "Inspected by 11" and he'd think "Hey! I wanna do that! That would be a kick ass job!" So, he set out to be a clothing inspector. But, there were only 12 inspector positions available, and he didn't get one. So, with his dreams and hopes crushed, he basically went psycho and called himself Inspector 13. Since he was so pissed off, he got into black magic and curses and that kind of shit, and he started his *own* Inspection Service, of which he was the only member. And, to show his vengeance, he put a curse on every item of clothing he inspected. And, knowing the infamous McCormick Luck, *my jacket* was the only item he got around to inspecting and labeling with the Inspected By 13 paper. After that, he was found out by the real inspectors, and thrown in a loony bin. And, the curse was released when the Inspected By 13 paper was ripped when I took off my hood--the ripping of the paper put the curse into effect. So, the curse caused my immortality to no longer exist, you guys to forget about me, and basically every weirdass thing that has happened lately to happen. Now, Inspector 13 is out to get you guys, since he doesn't want the curse to be broken, as that would totally destroy the only mark he ever made in the inspecting business. If he gets rid of you guys, there wouldn't be anyone else around that could end his little reign of terror, which basically only effects me.}
STAN: So, how do we get you to be your normal immortal self?
KENNY: {By breaking the curse. And, you can only doing that by getting rid of Inspector 13!}
KYLE: Well, I guess we'll just have to wait until he gets here, when that dumbass Hallmark Movie is over.
STAN: Dude, Kenny! You probably have a lot of catching up to do around here!
KENNY: {Oh, I know what's been going on. I'm able to see what's going on with you guys all the time. It's one of those afterlife things!}
[Cartman and Sheila look at each other]
SHEILA & CARTMAN: [quietly] Uh oh...
[There is a loud knock at the front door]
INSPECTOR 13: Hello! Your fate knocks! You must answer the door!
SHEILA: Yeah? Well, this time we're ready! Get your ass in here so we can kick it!
KYLE: Umm, Sheila? Don't push your luck here! Don't piss him off any more than he already is!
[The evil inspector enters the room. He's wearing a black suit with the number "13" painted on the back in white]
INSPECTOR 13: Well, well, well. I see you all now know the whole story. But, not for long! The curse will stay, and the rest of you will die!
SHEILA: Well, we'll see about that!!!!!
[Inspector 13's eyes start to glow an evil shade of red. He waves his arms around, and gathers a fireball in his hands. He tries to hit Stan with it. Stan jumps out of the way]
INSPECTOR 13: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! *That* was just my warm-up!
[Inspector 13 gathers another fireball, this one is really, *REALLY* huge]
KYLE: AAAHHH!!!
STAN: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
SHEILA: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
[They all shut their eyes in fear]
SHEILA: Kenny! You're the dead one! You can't be hurt, so help us out here!
KENNY: {I can't! The curse! I can't move!}
[Inspector 13 laughs an evil laugh. He gathers more energy to the fireball. He is about to release it]
STAN: Well, dudes, it's been really nice knowing you!
SHEILA: Ok, everyone, when we're dead, let's all meet at the Java Cafe Of The Afterlife. Adios, amigos!
[Inspector 13 winds up for the pitch. He doesn't see Cartman sneaking up behind him with the rolling pin. Cartman whacks the evil inspector with the rolling pin]
CARTMAN: TAKE THAT, YOU GODDAMN <BLEEP> <BLEEP> <BLEEP> <BLEEP> <BLEEP>. NO WAY ARE *YOU* GONNA <BLEEP> <BLEEP>ING <BLEEP> YOU STUPID ASSHOLE SON OF A BITCH!!!!!
[The Inspector is unconscious. After a while, he starts fading, and disintegrates into thin air.]
SHEILA: Dude! *CARTMAN*!!! YOU SAVED US!!!!!
[She runs over and hugs Cartman. They smooch]
STAN: Dude! Cartman! Thanks!
KYLE: Yeah, you know, for a fatass, you're really not all that bad after all!
[There's a flash of light. Then everything goes black]
[Flash of light. We are now back in time to the day when Kenny is supposed to take off his hood. Everyone is their 8 year old selves again]
STAN: So, Kenny, are you gonna take off your hood now? You said you would!
CARTMAN: Yeah! I wanna get on home and eat some Cheesy Poofs, as I said before.
KENNY: {You guys! You saved me from the curse! We did it! Woohoo!}
KYLE: Kenny, what are you talking about? What curse?
KENNY: {Don't you remember? Inspector 13?}
SHEILA: No, dude! Are you insane?
KENNY: [thinking] {Hmm, I guess
they just don't remember. When the curse was broken, we
were transported back to the day the curse was activated. I
guess we get to relive our lives, but just without the
curse. This totally kicks ass! I seriously *hated*
not being with my friends all that time. But, I'm so
grateful to them for how they helped me. Too bad that the
returning to a curse-less life caused them to forget. But,
maybe it's for the better. I think if they're living right
now in the present, knowing the
future, that would sorta suck, and be really confusing. So, I
guess things worked out for the better!}
STAN: Kenny? Are you there, dude?
KENNY: {Yeah! Sorry, just thinking a bit!}
KYLE: So, are you gonna take off your hood?
KENNY: {Hmm, on second thought, I think I shouldn't. I wouldn't want to disrupt the powers that be, or something!}
[Everyone looks at Kenny, confused]
KENNY: [sighs] {Oh, well!}
[End song and credits.]
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