The Big Bubbles daily (?) log; a regular dose of "what sucks, who sucks and you suck".

 
"A leader of Venezuela's general strike was seized by gunmen identifying themselves as secret police agents, it was claimed today."
"Freeze, we're secret police agents ... DOH!!"
posted by Ade at 12:45 PM

 
"The US military has developed a strap-on kit that makes 'dumb' bombs smart."
...Rejects claims that prototype testing on the President proves it doesn't work. "We said 'bombs', not 'bombers'", clarifies top general.
posted by Ade at 1:09 PM

 
BB apologises: We were hoping to carry an exclusive interview with a leading blogger today but, despite the use of several industrial-strength deep extraction mining tools and the waving around of one of the latest Macs, we were unable to extract him from deep inside his own arse. However, we did catch a few distant echoes of phrases like "Trackbacks" and "viral community-led ethos". Nope, we couldn't make sense of them either.
posted by Ade at 2:11 PM

 
Does the populist stance on the prospect of war against Iraq recently adopted by (most) European leaders mean that this is the first time the British people have wished the French or the Germans ran the country?
posted by Ade at 1:40 PM

 
Breaking news

Support for British backing of an American-led war against Iraq has increased dramatically in the last 24 hours. Latest surveys show 80% of Britons in favour, after Prime Minister Tony Blair revealed that weapons inspectors had found child pornography on the hard drive of Saddam Hussein's PC. Simultaneously, the FBI revealed that a credit card belonging to "S. Hussein" appeared on a list retrieved from the Candyman web site.

The survey also found that:

• 75% wanted paediatricians, beauticians, bibliophiles and JPEG files prosecuted for crimes against children or, failing that, torn apart by howling mobs;
• 55% believed that the slightest suspicion of paedophiliac behaviour justified the immediate application of the death penalty;
• 30% would offer to undergo execution themselves in case they developed paedophile tendencies at a later date;
• 15% thought that the safest way to prevent "a wave of child abuse from overwhelming the country" was to "slay every infant in Bethlehem below the age of two", a suggestion that was immediately adopted as policy by the Israeli government;
• 10% of parents felt that they had unwittingly overstepped the boundaries by staring at their own children for single periods lasting more than ten minutes, and they should therefore "pluck out thine own eyes";
• 5% beat our researchers to death as soon as they heard the word "pae---".

posted by Ade at 1:37 PM

 
BB digs gun culture, y'all, providing we have the gun and no one else does. There are so many deserving cases... Dawdle at the checkout: BLAM! Get in our way on the pavement: you're popped. Buy a Coldplay album...well, there just aren't enough bullets even for one of you deluded people.

Gun culture worries the British because we're so peevish and irritated by one another that we know there wouldn't be enough of us left to bury the stinking heaps of the dead piled up on every street if it caught on.
posted by Ade at 11:57 PM

 
Michael Barrymore reckons that the unusual erm...injuries to Stuart Lubbock, the man found dead in his pool after a party, could have occurred during medical treatment and thus were not the result of sexual assault. We can picture the scene as the medics attempt to revive the victim:

"No response! What shall we do?"
"Ah, bugger him..."

Well, it could have happened like that...
posted by Ade at 11:50 PM